Fancy dress joke

A guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the vampire section. The girl behind the counter says, "Maybe you should try the West Ham United football shop across the street". Guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count".








Deal or No Deal

Liverpool TV joke

Q. If Man United fans watch MUTV, and Chelsea fans watch Chelsea TV, what do Liverpool fans watch? A. The History Channel.

Arsenal joke

Q. What's the difference between Fagin and Arsene Wenger? A. When Fagin sent his kids out, they came back with silverware

John Terry joke

In the showers for the first time at Stamford Bridge, Torres sees John Terry's winkie and says, "Ay caramba John, look at the size of that! No wonder Bridge's wife liked you. How do you get it so big?" Terry replies, "Ah, it's an old trick mate. When I'm going up the apples and pairs for a bit of how's yer father, I whack it against the banister all the way up." Torres goes home that night and starts whacking his willy on the banister on his way to bed, when his missus shouts from the bedroom, "John, is that you?"

FIFA joke

Q. What do you do if your copy of FIFA becomes corrupt and stops working? A. Slip it another tenner.

Liverpool owners joke

Breaking News: Liverpool's new owners have announced they will rename the team, to give a more appropriate american feel, the current front runner is the 'Hub Cap Steelers' in a similar move the stadium is set to be called the 'San Giro

Capello joke

Fabio Capello walks up to a ginger kid kicking a ball against a wall and asks him if he wants to play for England. The boy replies, "No chance, I get bullied enough for being ginger!

The Manchester City bus had to make a detour last night when theteam were on their open top bus tour and pop into B & Q to buy a trophy cabinet.

I heard Man U were going to field an un-named premiership footballer on the wing to face Barrca.

2. Police are called to Old Trafford.

A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.The police negotiator says to him, come on mate, its not that bad, dont do it!
You dont get it! says the Chelsea fan, for four years Ive been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I cant take it any more!
Ok mate, I do understand your pain, replied the negotiator, but I dont understand one thing why are you here at Old Trafford? Why arent you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?
The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, have you seen the f*ckin QUEUE?

ref un-named premier footballer:

I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.
John Humphreys asked, Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?
I said,I couldnt say.
He said, Correct, question two


Man Utd awards dinner thrown into choas as "top premiership footballer" "top flight premiership footballer and "anonymous premiership footballer" win player of the year!

Nobody told me that Imogen Thomas was a talented musician?
Well - apparantly shes being doing giggs around Manchester for the past eight months

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though hes happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally

Help!!!!!!!!! Does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I am 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club.

Funny how half these jokes come from the mens mag Nuts?

What's funny I did not say I made them up just a bit of light relief from the FTSE which will be down 50 points today. Looks like the shorts will have today.

Heard Imogen is going to start a career in singing, She'll be doing gigs in Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool...

Can I have a Blackburn Rovers joke, please? (I know, I know, just mentioning the name is enough to make some people fall about laughing)

How many Blackburn Rovers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. 1 to change the bulb, 1 to hold the ladder, 1 to kick sh*t out of the old bulb and 2 to protest to the rest of the world that lightbulb changing is a man's game and if it can't take a kick it shouldn't be there and besides it doesn't matter the point is they TRIED to change it and are therefore better than you!

6. Apparently, when Harry Redknapp was West ham manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

16. Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

Have you heard the news that Chelsea FC are getting a new sponsor? It is going to be Viagra, Its the only way they can get past a semi.

Thanks Skinny and Bernard. (BTW Bernard, doesn't Premier League and League Cup count?)

Re: topical jokes about Liverpool FC

Following their last defeate liverpool have set up a a helpline to assist their fans through this distressing time the number is 0800 10 10 10, that number was selected as its easy for the fans to remember 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing

Re: topical jokes about Liverpool FC
Scouser is walking down the high street in Croydon when he sees a video entitled "Liverpool The Glory Years" in the window display of a chairty shop.

He goes in and says to the assistant: "Eh ar kid, ow much for the 'Pool video like?"

After wiping the phlegm from his face, the assistant replies: "100."

"That's a bit steep innit la?, the lovable cheeky scamp asks, "ow come its dat dear soft lad?"

"Well," the assistant says, "it's 1 for the tape and 99 for the Betamax player."

A Liverpool fan goes to a restaurant for the first time in his life, looks at the menu and is ready to order but has a question for the waiter. He noticed that they have caviar and wants to know what this is. The waiter replies " these are fish eggs sir" The Liverpool fan replies, OK I have two eggs but not to hard boiled please.

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, Ive done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

Apparantly Ryan Giggs' wife has left him and taken half his belongings.
She now has 6 more league medals than Stephen Gerrard.

A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injuntion to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney.

Not a joke, well not for giggsy.

Stacey Giggs leaves the house without her wedding ring, oh dear Ryan
Posted by heatworld 24 May 2011 16:58

Tags:Ryan Giggs Stacey Giggs

Stacey Giggs must be having a tough old day but we suspect that Ryans day is about to get much worse. Stacey was spotted leaving her house without her wedding ring. Oh dear.

Thats the sort of subtle signal even footballers can pick up on. Cheryl Cole did it when Ashley had been fooling around with hairdressers.

Yesterday the super injunction was finally broken so the newspapers were allowed to say what had been bouncing around the internet for months; Ryan Giggs is a very naughty boy.

No advertising please Mr Dentist

Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve and hit him?
A: You don't want to damage your bike, do you?

It's with great sadness that I report Celtic Park was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Strathclyde police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.

Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?

A: Legolas



Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.



Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned



Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.



Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.



Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'



Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!



Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.



Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.




Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.



There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...



Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.



Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.



Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely



Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria



Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?

A: Legolas



Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.



Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned



Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.



Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.



Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'



Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!



Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.



Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.




Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.



There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...



Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.



Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.



Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely



Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria



Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

What do call a celtic fan on helicopter sunday with a bottle of champagne in his hand --------A WAITER.

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United 1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: What do you say to a manchester united supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo.

Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of manchester united players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A man desperate at manchester united current situation decides to top himself.In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full manchester united kit as his last statement.A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.On arrival, the police quickly remove the manchester united kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

Q: What's the difference between a manchester united fan and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.I was talking to the manchester united groundsman and commenting on how green and lush the grass was
He replied, "it should be with all the sh#t that plays on it!!"

Q: How do you kill a manchester united fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: Why do manchester united supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.

Q: What do manchester united fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a manchester united fan?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. Why do manchester united fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!

Q: What do you call a manchester united fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar

Q: What do you get when you offer a manchester united fan a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change!


Jokes For Really Crap Sides
There's a rumour that manchester united have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

An new Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year in tribute to manchester united.
It will be called "Laughing Stock".

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "manchester united are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q. What have the manchester united and a nappy got in common?
A. P*** upfront and crap at the back.

A burglary was recently committed at manchester united ground and the entirecontents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a manwith a dusty carpet.

A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the manchester united ground.
He made him go back and watch the rest of the match

Q. What's the difference between the manchester united keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Q: What have manchester united and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both useless in Europe.

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!

Q: What's the difference between manchester united and a teabag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer!!!!!

Q) What is the difference between manchester united and a lift ?
A) It doesn't take a lift nine months to go down

Q) What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and manchester united?
A) Foot & Mouth got into Europe.

Q: What is the difference between manchester united and a triangle?
A: A triangle has three points.

Someone asked me the other day, what time do manchester united kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.

Liverpool fans

Q What do you do when Liverpool win the Premiership title?

A Switch the playstation off and go to bed.

Q What do you do when Man U win the CL

A Wake up.

Who do you support chris.

Stacey Giggs wants to know if anyone can vouch for the whereabouts of her husband Ryan, between the hours of 7.45 and 9.40pm last Saturday.

Everton Bernard, before you say it, I know they are shite as well:O)

They make my fillings fall out.

Snow white and the 7 dwarf are walking through the woods when the seven dwarfs fall down a cave, so Snow white shouts down is anyone alive down there. And someone shouts "Everton will win the FA Cup". Snow White Replies "I see dopeys alive then"

Two Everton fans observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger.

One Everton fan said: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"

The other fan said: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

:O) Yawwwnnnn wake me up when it's all over!

A Liverpool and an Everton fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Everton fan says, So youre a Liverpool supporter, thats interesting. Im an Everton fan Wow! Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The Liverpool fan replied,Totally agree this must be a sign from God! The Liverpool fan went on, And look at this heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?

He hands the bottle to the Everton fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Liverpool fan. He takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Evertonian.

He looks puzzled and asks, Arent you having any? The Liverpool fan replies, NahI think Ill just wait for the police

Breaking News - Break in at Anfield!
Liverpool football club was broken into in the early hours of this morning.....

Merseyside's Chief of Police asked Rafa Benitez if any cups were stolen.....

"We're not sure" replied Rafa" We haven't checked the canteen yet"

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him So why dont you want to live with your dad?

Because he beats me said the little boy.
Why dont you want to live with your mum then? asked the judge.
Because she beats me as well.
Oh said the judge Well who would you like to live with then?
The little boy replied I would like to live with Everton, because they dont beat anyone!!

Ryan Giigs and his missus are splitting up. She's getting half of everything, which will mean she will have six more premiership winners medals that Stevie G!

No wonder Manchester Utd won the league, with Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs in the team, they are guarenteed to score away from home

Whats the difference between Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney? One pays for sex, the other pays to keep it quiet.

I went on Mastermind the other day and chose Manchester United as my specialist subject. John Humphreys said question 1.. Which Man U player is known as the Welsh Wizard? I said i couldn't say - he said Correct question 2....

A Cardiff City fan and his wife are in court fighting over a bitter divorce.

The judge asks the woman why she wants to divorce her husband.

She says: "He loves his Cardiff City more than he loves me!"

He gets up and says: "I love bloody Swansea City more than I love her!"

Not a joke but funny.

Tesco blunder means beers for 24p

tweet38Print..
James Andrews, 11:20, Thursday 2 June 2011

A computer glitch at Tesco stores in Scotland saw shoppers charged as little as 24p a beer, resulting in thousands of people rushing to cash in before it was fixed.

The mistake meant that in Scotland you could buy three cases of beer or cider for just 11. This meant you could pick up premium brands such as Magners, Budweiser, Stella Artois and Guinness for as little as 31p a can or 24p a bottle.

Word spread rapidly on social networking sites Twitter and Facebook as well as by word of mouth as customers rushed to cash in.

"Was casually chatting to my dad about the beer situation at Tesco, mention 3 crates for 11 and he sprints to the car," said Rebecca Macdougall.

Police were even called at one point to a Greenock store after heavy congestion was reported in the car park as customers rushed to take advantage of the mistake before it was fixed.

"Price glitch for beer has literally caused a stampede at the local Tesco. Tempers are flying in car park," reported Graham McKenzie on Twitter.

"Madness in Tesco tonight, seems their tills had an error and were selling 3 cases of beer for 10," reported John, Tweeting under the name saabbhoy.

A spokesman for the supermarket said this hit all shops in Scotland. "This was a pricing error affecting only a handful of lines on promotion for a short period. The price was corrected as soon as the error was spotted," he said.

Tesco has now corrected the error.

Ryan Giggs is known for his generosity and has spent years doing charity work in undeveloped countries. Well, he played for Wales.

Wayne Rooney's been arrested for shoplifting a packet of Cherry Bakewells. He explained to police that he'd promised Coleen never to pay for another tart again.

Ive just driven past Ashley Coles house and saw John Terrys car parked outside. How nice, that even with all of JTs problems, hes still got time to console a mate.

With Wayne Rooney scoring goals for fun and almost single-handedly carrying the Man U team there have been comparisons linking his form with that of Man U legend George Best. Well, George shagged woman in the sixties - Wayne shags them in their sixties.

Ryan Giggs 'had eight-year affair with brother's wife'

Sunday, June 5 2011, 10:52 BST

Ryan Giggs allegedly had an eight-year relationship with his brother Rhodri's wife.

The footballer is said to have first met Natasha at a Manchester nightclub in 2003, while his wife was pregnant with their first child. The relationship ended four months later when Natasha started dating his brother, until the autumn of 2004 when they embarked on a seven-month fling, reports the News of the World.

The pair are alleged to have met on various occasions over the coming years, such as the day after his second child was born in October 2006 and again in April 2010, shortly before her Las Vegas wedding to Rhodri.

She apparently told a friend: "I knew it was wrong. It's the worst possible betrayal. I tried to end it but my relationship with Ryan was like an addiction. Anything he said, I did. If he wanted me to drop everything to meet him, I would. I just couldn't say no.

"He instigated it all. It was all on his terms. There were constant calls, constant texts, constant meetings. But Ryan was never romantic with me. He never told me he loved me. It was all about sex."

Rumours of the affair began circulating in 2008 and Natasha is said to have described it to friends as "Manchester's worst-kept secret". They reportedly last saw each other on April 9 this year.

Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming recently named Ryan as the footballer who had taken out an injunction over an alleged affair with Imogen Thomas.

> Imogen dad: 'Ryan Giggs is a gutless coward'

What Wayne Rooney loses on adding hair on the top?

Having less brain cells

       

He has been done, should have just shaven it all off.

http://www.pnefc.net/page/NewsDetail/0,,10362~2538728,00.html.. Gawd help 'em.