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JOKE FOR TODAY (JOKE)
djalan
- 29 Aug 2003 21:20
jgp212
- 31 Aug 2003 12:47
- 2 of 426
Brilliant!!
LOL!
:-)
Jeff
LOL!
:-)
Jeff
jules99
- 31 Aug 2003 23:43
- 3 of 426
lol...
djalan
- 01 Sep 2003 22:34
- 4 of 426
There were three construction guys high up on a building, working.
When lunch time rolled around the American named energyi opened his lunch box and said
"Oh no, Mc Donalds and sausage again, if the same thing is in here tomorrow I'm going to jump off this building"
The second man, Clerman said "oh no LOL sandwiches again, if mine is the same tomorrow I'm going to jump with you"
The third man, Ashley James from London said " oh man I have Jellied Eels again I may have to jump also!"
The next day sure enough they all had the same lunch, first the American Energyi jumped, then Clerman jumped, last was the chap from London, Ashley James and he jumped also.
All three wives were together at the funerals
Energyi's wife said,"If I had only known I would have fixed him something different"
Clerman's wife said, " I had other things I could have sent him"
Then Ashley's wife said, " Don't look at me, he fixes his own lunch!!!"
When lunch time rolled around the American named energyi opened his lunch box and said
"Oh no, Mc Donalds and sausage again, if the same thing is in here tomorrow I'm going to jump off this building"
The second man, Clerman said "oh no LOL sandwiches again, if mine is the same tomorrow I'm going to jump with you"
The third man, Ashley James from London said " oh man I have Jellied Eels again I may have to jump also!"
The next day sure enough they all had the same lunch, first the American Energyi jumped, then Clerman jumped, last was the chap from London, Ashley James and he jumped also.
All three wives were together at the funerals
Energyi's wife said,"If I had only known I would have fixed him something different"
Clerman's wife said, " I had other things I could have sent him"
Then Ashley's wife said, " Don't look at me, he fixes his own lunch!!!"
superrod
- 01 Sep 2003 23:33
- 5 of 426
ROTFLMAO djalan
where IS ashley these days?
where IS ashley these days?
Douggie - 02 Sep 2003 10:49 - 6 of 426
enjoyed a good grin THANKS
jgp212
- 02 Sep 2003 17:09
- 7 of 426
enjoyed a good Gin as well
:-)
Jeff
:-)
Jeff
djalan
- 14 Oct 2003 21:42
- 8 of 426
djalan
- 07 Feb 2004 10:54
- 9 of 426
Things to do while waiting for shares to increase in value
dscott62
- 07 Feb 2004 12:44
- 10 of 426
very nice joke.
David
David
Legins
- 07 Feb 2004 12:46
- 11 of 426
I have been having a few software problems recently.....
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications e.g. Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had lots of bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications e.g. Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had lots of bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
stockbunny
- 09 Feb 2004 15:41
- 12 of 426
This is just too funny, had to post it here - sorry guys but it is!!!
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
This_is_me
- 09 Feb 2004 15:56
- 13 of 426
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because so many women want theirs replaced by something that is capable of more than rabbiting on for hours about nothing!!!!
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because so many women want theirs replaced by something that is capable of more than rabbiting on for hours about nothing!!!!
little woman
- 09 Feb 2004 16:01
- 14 of 426
This is my favourite .......
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw away soggy pill.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one glass beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw ripped tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Emergency Room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw away soggy pill.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one glass beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw ripped tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Emergency Room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
stockbunny
- 09 Feb 2004 16:20
- 15 of 426
See just goes to prove give a man a simple job like giving a cat
a pill and all chaos breaks out! lol
(This-Is-Me...you know this means war...and stop eating my food!!)
For those who don't understand that last remark, take 10 minutes
off and visit the tea-rooms.
a pill and all chaos breaks out! lol
(This-Is-Me...you know this means war...and stop eating my food!!)
For those who don't understand that last remark, take 10 minutes
off and visit the tea-rooms.
washlander
- 10 Feb 2004 09:19
- 16 of 426
Two sharks swimming around in the Irish sea, when one turns to the other and says "I am fed up with eating mackeral". The other shark replies "In that case lets headover to Morecombe Bay for a chinese."
SEADOG
- 10 Feb 2004 09:39
- 17 of 426
Ten out of ten washlander thats the up to date one.
FirstCall - 10 Feb 2004 18:58 - 18 of 426
GW BUSH STAMPS
After one year of the war of liberation of Iraq President George Bush wanted a special Iraqi postage stamp issued, with his head pictured on it. He so instructed the director of United States Postal Service, stressing that postage stamp should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released. But Bush began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the Paul Bremer and ordered him to investigate the matter.
Paul Bremer checked the matter out at several post offices in Iraq and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, Iraqi citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
After one year of the war of liberation of Iraq President George Bush wanted a special Iraqi postage stamp issued, with his head pictured on it. He so instructed the director of United States Postal Service, stressing that postage stamp should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released. But Bush began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the Paul Bremer and ordered him to investigate the matter.
Paul Bremer checked the matter out at several post offices in Iraq and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, Iraqi citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
FirstCall - 10 Feb 2004 19:06 - 19 of 426
Here's anothe Bush Joke:
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
stockbunny
- 01 Mar 2004 15:25
- 20 of 426
WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
superrod
- 22 Apr 2004 22:20
- 21 of 426
that would be the wife then? LOL
ajren - 23 Apr 2004 14:15 - 22 of 426
www.cnn.com can email you jokes every day.They are called :- offbeat
rgds aj
rgds aj
djalan
- 29 Apr 2004 01:40
- 23 of 426
So, George Bush and Tony Blair both die together in a 'copter crash
They go up to the pearly gates of Heaven
No-one is there, but they can hear voices at the other side
George Knocks hard on the gate
Voice; loud: "Assalamu Alaikum"
George;quietly: "Aw....sugar, forget it"
They go up to the pearly gates of Heaven
No-one is there, but they can hear voices at the other side
George Knocks hard on the gate
Voice; loud: "Assalamu Alaikum"
George;quietly: "Aw....sugar, forget it"
Spannerhead - 29 Apr 2004 13:26 - 24 of 426
A man and his wife are in bed asleep. At 4.30 am the phone rings. The man wakes up and answers it, His wife wakes up and hears him shouting.....NO, NOW F**K OFF AND TRY THE WEATHER CENTRE. She sheepishly says errr....who was that darling, he replies I don't know some idiot asking if the coast was clear.
daves dazzlers
- 29 Apr 2004 13:52
- 25 of 426
david beckham got a jigsaw off his wife for christmas, she new that he had never done one before ,so she bought an easy one, 4 months later its complete ,he tells broklyn the good news, he tells his teacher,next day when he takes his son to school the teacher asks david why its took him so long, and also ask how many pieces was it, he said there was 8,,,, 8 the teacher said and its took you this long .david said i no it said 3//to// 5 years on the box........
jammyjimmy - 29 Apr 2004 14:29 - 26 of 426
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
pounds for a meal.
The man took out his wallet and extracted ten pounds. But before he
handed it over, he asked cautiously, "If I give you this money, will you
just end up buying some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied.
"Well, will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the increasingly irritated homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?!!" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
pounds for a meal.
The man took out his wallet and extracted ten pounds. But before he
handed it over, he asked cautiously, "If I give you this money, will you
just end up buying some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied.
"Well, will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the increasingly irritated homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?!!" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
jammyjimmy - 29 Apr 2004 14:42 - 27 of 426
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his brand new BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf-pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf-pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
hlyeo98 - 29 Apr 2004 23:30 - 28 of 426
HOME FOR LUNCH
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.
hlyeo98 - 29 Apr 2004 23:31 - 29 of 426
SON OF A BITCH
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son ofa bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son ofa bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
hlyeo98 - 29 Apr 2004 23:34 - 30 of 426
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
hlyeo98 - 01 May 2004 19:31 - 31 of 426
hhaha
Fred1new
- 14 May 2004 16:57
- 32 of 426
Not a week for joking but something has to lift the market. George's arrival at the appropriate place left me with some hope for next week.
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do with you here," says the devil."You are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do with you here," says the devil."You are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
daves dazzlers
- 14 May 2004 20:46
- 33 of 426
what do you call a german who breaks out of prison with the use of a mobile phone ?hans free
hlyeo98 - 16 May 2004 18:23 - 34 of 426
WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
daves dazzlers
- 16 May 2004 18:45
- 35 of 426
what time does saddam have his tea,
same time as tariq azzees
same time as tariq azzees
Seine - 17 May 2004 21:58 - 36 of 426
Understanding Cause And Effect
A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".
Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".
Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".
Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".
Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".
So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.
The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.
A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".
Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".
Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".
Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".
Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".
So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.
The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.
little woman
- 18 May 2004 09:28
- 37 of 426
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to
operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the rear-end are interchangeable."
operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the rear-end are interchangeable."
daves dazzlers
- 18 May 2004 13:07
- 38 of 426
TWO DRUNKEN WOMEN...........
TWO WOMAN FRIENDS,,INCREDIBLY DRUNK AND WALKING HOME GOT CAUGHT SHORT,
AS THEY WHERE NEAR A GRAVEYARD ONE OF THEM SAID ,,LETS POP IN HERE AND GO BEHIND A GRAVE STONE AND HAVE A PISS.
ONE OF THEM HAD NOTHING TO WIPE WITH, SO SHE THOUGHT SHE`D TAKE HER PANTS OFF AND WIPE HER SELF DOWN,AND THROW THEM AWAY AFTER,
HER FRIEND HOW EVER WAS WEARING A RATHER EXPENSIVE UNDERWEAR SET AND DIDN`T WANT TO RUIN HER`S BUT WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO SALVAGE A LARGE RED RIBBON FROM A WREATH THAT WAS ON ONE OF THE GRAVES AND PROCEEDED TO WIPE HERSELF WITH THAT.THEY THEN MADE OFF HOME.
THE NEXT DAY ONE WOMAN`S HUSBAND PHONED THE OTHER AND SAID,,,,we better keep an eye on our wives you no,,mine came back last night with no pants on.......
thats nothing said the other guy,,,MINE CAME BACK WITH A CARD STUCK BETWEEN HER ARSE THAT SAID FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION WE`LL NEVER FORGET YOU......
TWO WOMAN FRIENDS,,INCREDIBLY DRUNK AND WALKING HOME GOT CAUGHT SHORT,
AS THEY WHERE NEAR A GRAVEYARD ONE OF THEM SAID ,,LETS POP IN HERE AND GO BEHIND A GRAVE STONE AND HAVE A PISS.
ONE OF THEM HAD NOTHING TO WIPE WITH, SO SHE THOUGHT SHE`D TAKE HER PANTS OFF AND WIPE HER SELF DOWN,AND THROW THEM AWAY AFTER,
HER FRIEND HOW EVER WAS WEARING A RATHER EXPENSIVE UNDERWEAR SET AND DIDN`T WANT TO RUIN HER`S BUT WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO SALVAGE A LARGE RED RIBBON FROM A WREATH THAT WAS ON ONE OF THE GRAVES AND PROCEEDED TO WIPE HERSELF WITH THAT.THEY THEN MADE OFF HOME.
THE NEXT DAY ONE WOMAN`S HUSBAND PHONED THE OTHER AND SAID,,,,we better keep an eye on our wives you no,,mine came back last night with no pants on.......
thats nothing said the other guy,,,MINE CAME BACK WITH A CARD STUCK BETWEEN HER ARSE THAT SAID FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION WE`LL NEVER FORGET YOU......
zarif
- 21 May 2004 21:54
- 39 of 426
daves dazzlers
- 21 May 2004 23:12
- 40 of 426
police arrested two kids today,,,,,,one was drinking battery acid,,,,,the other was eating fireworks..
they charged one and let the other one off.
they charged one and let the other one off.
Seine - 21 May 2004 23:53 - 41 of 426
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
===========================
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
==================================
Around 3 weeks ago, I received an envelope from St. Mathews Church in my mail..Completely unsolicited. It was just an invitation to receive a free booklet by mail, if I filled out and returned the form inside the envelope via a pre-paid envelope they had enclosed. Well, These things irritate me.. I don't push my beliefs at other people, and I expect them to do the same for me. So.. I took the envelope they enclosed, stuffed everything back into it EXCEPT the form to receive their free pamplet. That, I threw away. I sealed the envelope, and instead of my own name in the upper left front corner, I made it out to be from "Nemo Precipuus". Those of you familiar with latin, or at least, those of you with access to a decent translation program, will see the meaning of this. I would have thought St. Mathew's Church would have..I mean, Latin IS mostly used by Catholic and Christian churches these days, yes? Well..apparently they didn't..Nore did they even check for the form to be inside the envelope.. This week, I've received their little booklet, addressed to "Nemo Precipuus", at my address. I thought it was the funniest thing I've seen in quite a few years.. Perhaps a few of you will get a chuckle out of this as well.. Just goes to show..you can't depend on the other fellow to have a decent education..
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
===========================
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
==================================
Around 3 weeks ago, I received an envelope from St. Mathews Church in my mail..Completely unsolicited. It was just an invitation to receive a free booklet by mail, if I filled out and returned the form inside the envelope via a pre-paid envelope they had enclosed. Well, These things irritate me.. I don't push my beliefs at other people, and I expect them to do the same for me. So.. I took the envelope they enclosed, stuffed everything back into it EXCEPT the form to receive their free pamplet. That, I threw away. I sealed the envelope, and instead of my own name in the upper left front corner, I made it out to be from "Nemo Precipuus". Those of you familiar with latin, or at least, those of you with access to a decent translation program, will see the meaning of this. I would have thought St. Mathew's Church would have..I mean, Latin IS mostly used by Catholic and Christian churches these days, yes? Well..apparently they didn't..Nore did they even check for the form to be inside the envelope.. This week, I've received their little booklet, addressed to "Nemo Precipuus", at my address. I thought it was the funniest thing I've seen in quite a few years.. Perhaps a few of you will get a chuckle out of this as well.. Just goes to show..you can't depend on the other fellow to have a decent education..
daves dazzlers
- 22 May 2004 13:35
- 42 of 426
DOWN IN THE NURSEING HOME.
A LITTLE OLD LADY WAS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE HALLS IN A NURSEING HOME ,SHOUTING SUPERSEX ,,, SUPERSEX,,, SHE WOULD FLIP UP HER DRESS,,,SHOWING ALL THATS ON OFFER.
SHE WALKED UP TO A OLD MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR,SHOWING HIM WHATS ON OFFER,,SHOUTING SUPERSEX,,, SUPERSEX,,,,
HE SAT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT OR TWO AND FINALLY ANSWERED ,,,,,,I`LL TAKE THE SOUP.
A LITTLE OLD LADY WAS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE HALLS IN A NURSEING HOME ,SHOUTING SUPERSEX ,,, SUPERSEX,,, SHE WOULD FLIP UP HER DRESS,,,SHOWING ALL THATS ON OFFER.
SHE WALKED UP TO A OLD MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR,SHOWING HIM WHATS ON OFFER,,SHOUTING SUPERSEX,,, SUPERSEX,,,,
HE SAT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT OR TWO AND FINALLY ANSWERED ,,,,,,I`LL TAKE THE SOUP.
superrod
- 23 May 2004 10:11
- 43 of 426
whats the closest thing to silver?
the lone rangers arse.
the lone rangers arse.
daves dazzlers
- 24 May 2004 16:21
- 44 of 426
CIDER.
A LITTLE GIRL CAME RUNNING IN TO THE HOUSE BAWLING HER EYES OUT AND CRADLING HER HAND.
MUMMY QUICK ,,
GET ME A GLASS OF CIDER,SHE WAILED.
WHY DO YOU WANT A GLASS OF CIDER? ASKED HER MUM.
I CUT MY HAND ON A THORN,,,AND I WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
CONFUSED,
BUT WEARY OF THE CHILDS WHINING,,,,THE MOTHER OBLIGED AND POURED HER A GLASS OF CIDER.
THE LITTLE GIRL DOWNED IT IN ONE OUCH ,,IT STILL HURTS SHE SAID,,,,,,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,,,ASKED THE MUM.
WHAT EVER MADE YOU THINK THE PAIN WOULD GO AWAY?
WELL I OVERHEARD MY BIG SISTER SAY THAT WHENEVER SHE GETS A PRICK IN HER HAND,,,,,,,SHE CAN`T WAIT TO GET IT IN CIDER....................................
A LITTLE GIRL CAME RUNNING IN TO THE HOUSE BAWLING HER EYES OUT AND CRADLING HER HAND.
MUMMY QUICK ,,
GET ME A GLASS OF CIDER,SHE WAILED.
WHY DO YOU WANT A GLASS OF CIDER? ASKED HER MUM.
I CUT MY HAND ON A THORN,,,AND I WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
CONFUSED,
BUT WEARY OF THE CHILDS WHINING,,,,THE MOTHER OBLIGED AND POURED HER A GLASS OF CIDER.
THE LITTLE GIRL DOWNED IT IN ONE OUCH ,,IT STILL HURTS SHE SAID,,,,,,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,,,ASKED THE MUM.
WHAT EVER MADE YOU THINK THE PAIN WOULD GO AWAY?
WELL I OVERHEARD MY BIG SISTER SAY THAT WHENEVER SHE GETS A PRICK IN HER HAND,,,,,,,SHE CAN`T WAIT TO GET IT IN CIDER....................................
brianboru
- 20 Feb 2005 13:52
- 45 of 426
Courtesy of Dara O'Brian on Parky
During the troubles in Belfast a guy is walking down a dark allyway when he feels a gun at the back of his head.
"Are you Catholic or Protestant" a voice behind him asks?
Crapping himself but thinking quickly he replied "Niether, I'm Jewish".
"Bloody Hell" said the voice "I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast".
djalan
- 13 May 2006 10:38
- 46 of 426
Mega Bucks
- 17 May 2006 15:17
- 47 of 426
Here is a historical story, with a modern topical twist, bearing in mind the big match tonight in Paris!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colosseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says
"He doesn't half talk some shi* eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and again addresses the crowd in the Colosseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate
"I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Colosseum again.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain, and we are going to sort those b*stards out."
The crowd are up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus jumps up and shouts
"Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colosseum, and then across
at Brutus, and says
"Brutus, you are forgetting one very important thing . . . . .
...........................................
...........................................
...........................................
Away Gauls count double in Europe."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colosseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says
"He doesn't half talk some shi* eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and again addresses the crowd in the Colosseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate
"I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Colosseum again.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain, and we are going to sort those b*stards out."
The crowd are up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus jumps up and shouts
"Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colosseum, and then across
at Brutus, and says
"Brutus, you are forgetting one very important thing . . . . .
...........................................
...........................................
...........................................
Away Gauls count double in Europe."
markymar
- 17 May 2006 20:56
- 48 of 426
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was divested, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isnt so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian Well just relax and let it happen And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken *astard, you're shitting the bed"
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was divested, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isnt so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian Well just relax and let it happen And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken *astard, you're shitting the bed"
Mega Bucks
- 22 May 2006 13:20
- 49 of 426
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Mega Bucks
- 22 May 2006 13:24
- 50 of 426
Mega Bucks
- 22 May 2006 22:03
- 51 of 426
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label..........
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label..........
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."
Mega Bucks
- 22 May 2006 22:07
- 52 of 426
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Mega Bucks
- 22 May 2006 22:36
- 53 of 426
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2016, the organizers
of Glasgow's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A
copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained
in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Glasgow games, Glasgow's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a plasma tv and a laptop (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc).
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Ents will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages
deliveryman.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
Tennant's Super while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Clyde. The first three survivor's
back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guaee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
throwing, and music by the Flute Band. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the
top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself
will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2016, the organizers
of Glasgow's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A
copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained
in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Glasgow games, Glasgow's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a plasma tv and a laptop (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc).
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Ents will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages
deliveryman.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
Tennant's Super while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Clyde. The first three survivor's
back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guaee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
throwing, and music by the Flute Band. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the
top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself
will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
trigger45 - 23 May 2006 02:48 - 54 of 426
Thomas Cook
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?" Operator: " Doesn't the
product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so
I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file
back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall. Caller:
"Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back
of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn
on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?" Operator: " Doesn't the
product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so
I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file
back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall. Caller:
"Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back
of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn
on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"
trigger45 - 23 May 2006 02:50 - 55 of 426
The OFFSIDE rule explained for girls. Put simply...........
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the Shop
Assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper
and,*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.
However until the purse has *actually been thrown* you are not allowed to
move in front of the other shopper - (otherwise you would be 'Offside')...
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the Shop
Assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper
and,*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.
However until the purse has *actually been thrown* you are not allowed to
move in front of the other shopper - (otherwise you would be 'Offside')...
Mega Bucks
- 23 May 2006 11:48
- 56 of 426
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do some tests, and see
what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the
doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then, there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.
This is good - wait for it.................
"Your mother must have been a carrier!!
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do some tests, and see
what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the
doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then, there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.
This is good - wait for it.................
"Your mother must have been a carrier!!
Mega Bucks
- 24 May 2006 08:10
- 57 of 426
An older couple were lying in bed one night one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"
Mega Bucks
- 25 May 2006 10:02
- 58 of 426
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4639771121&ru=http://search.ebay.co.uk:80/4639771121QQfviZ1
Car for sale :-)
Read all 75 questions down the bottom of the page :-)))))
Car for sale :-)
Read all 75 questions down the bottom of the page :-)))))
Mega Bucks
- 25 May 2006 18:13
- 59 of 426
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
Mega Bucks
- 25 May 2006 18:42
- 60 of 426
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobba. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her n!pples." "Play with her nipples?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobba. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her n!pples." "Play with her nipples?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
Mega Bucks
- 25 May 2006 18:45
- 61 of 426
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
langy65 - 25 May 2006 19:17 - 62 of 426
There were three sisters:Annie,Nanny and Fanny.
Annie and Nanny wore size 10 shoes and fanny took a 12
One evening the three girls where in a nightclub.A guy who was dancing with Annie
and Nanny remarked at what big feet they had.
"that's nothing" said Annie "wait 'till you see the size of our Fanny's.
Feet
Annie and Nanny wore size 10 shoes and fanny took a 12
One evening the three girls where in a nightclub.A guy who was dancing with Annie
and Nanny remarked at what big feet they had.
"that's nothing" said Annie "wait 'till you see the size of our Fanny's.
Feet
langy65 - 25 May 2006 23:32 - 63 of 426
South Africa.
A Guy is working down in the mine when there is a terrible accidentand his leg is blown off
His buddy comes to see him the next day and asks "how's it going"
"Not good mate, who do you know who'd want a one leg'ed gold digger?
A Guy is working down in the mine when there is a terrible accidentand his leg is blown off
His buddy comes to see him the next day and asks "how's it going"
"Not good mate, who do you know who'd want a one leg'ed gold digger?
silvermede
- 26 May 2006 10:37
- 64 of 426
A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.
"Well that's me f**ked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replies:-
"Well, you could try Paul McCartney"
"Well that's me f**ked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replies:-
"Well, you could try Paul McCartney"
Mega Bucks
- 26 May 2006 11:56
- 65 of 426
The Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END.
THE UK VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in
his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The
British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the
Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single
Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Hard Work
demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian
cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them
singing "We Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBi company, funded by
the EU (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory
purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).
The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a
commission of enquiry, that will cost 10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on
the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of
immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's
multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a heroin/prostitution operation
and terrorize the community.
THE END.
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END.
THE UK VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in
his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The
British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the
Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single
Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Hard Work
demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian
cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them
singing "We Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBi company, funded by
the EU (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory
purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).
The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a
commission of enquiry, that will cost 10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on
the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of
immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's
multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a heroin/prostitution operation
and terrorize the community.
THE END.
hewittalan6
- 26 May 2006 12:01
- 66 of 426
Wrong thread. This thread is clearly labelled jokes, not factual reporting of everything that is wrong with Britain.
Mega Bucks
- 26 May 2006 16:15
- 67 of 426
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
Spotatrailblazer - 26 May 2006 16:34 - 68 of 426
Cheese and onion sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager.
Landlord says ...... "sorry sir, we don't serve food"
Landlord says ...... "sorry sir, we don't serve food"
langy65 - 26 May 2006 18:40 - 69 of 426
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Electronics-photography/Other/auction-36725938.htm
Mega Bucks
- 27 May 2006 14:03
- 70 of 426
Contract For Females
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and p****d away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one, tell you that you're the best and ask you if I can get you a cigar.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a long pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific algorithm, incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your pe*is a "cute" nickname like Billy, the Big Bopper or Tiny Tim.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 6.01 After we split up, I will try to set you up with my best friend who you have always wanted. Hey, we can still be friends.
Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*...
Section 7.01 ...With the exception of the following household items:
iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and p****d away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one, tell you that you're the best and ask you if I can get you a cigar.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a long pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific algorithm, incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your pe*is a "cute" nickname like Billy, the Big Bopper or Tiny Tim.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 6.01 After we split up, I will try to set you up with my best friend who you have always wanted. Hey, we can still be friends.
Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*...
Section 7.01 ...With the exception of the following household items:
iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
Mega Bucks
- 27 May 2006 18:31
- 71 of 426
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney because of a very sensitive poem Sir Paul wrote soon after they met.................................
As i lay upon the grassy bank my body all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.......................................
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why he wrote such truth , I'm stumped."
She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "She will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this."
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement has been signed his lawyers believe she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause."Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless."
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main present never came.
As i lay upon the grassy bank my body all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.......................................
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why he wrote such truth , I'm stumped."
She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "She will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this."
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement has been signed his lawyers believe she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause."Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless."
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main present never came.
djalan
- 10 Oct 2008 12:26
- 72 of 426
djalan
- 10 Oct 2008 16:53
- 73 of 426
M?
Bernard M - 23 Jul 2011 18:48 - 74 of 426
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b ) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"*#+*in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm #*+*in sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a *#*+in clock!"
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b ) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"*#+*in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm #*+*in sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a *#*+in clock!"
dreamcatcher
- 23 Jul 2011 20:14
- 75 of 426
Nice to have a laugh, well done Bernard.
dreamcatcher
- 24 Jul 2011 19:38
- 76 of 426
When my wife gave birth she was sweating, shouting, 'Aarghh it's too big, get it out!' She wasn't saying that during the conception!
mnamreh - 25 Jul 2011 06:48 - 77 of 426
.
skinny
- 25 Jul 2011 07:21
- 78 of 426
He probably wasn't there! :-)
mnamreh - 25 Jul 2011 07:22 - 79 of 426
.
Bernard M - 25 Jul 2011 07:56 - 80 of 426
lol skinny.
greekman
- 25 Jul 2011 19:06
- 81 of 426
My girlfriend told me to call over to her house the other day. When I arrived, I found her unbelievably sexy sister alone, naked, lying on a sofa.
She whispered in my ear, ''I'm very horny, sh4g me now"
Immediately, I turned around and walked out of the front door and towards my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said "you have won my trust!"
MORAL :
Its better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket!
She whispered in my ear, ''I'm very horny, sh4g me now"
Immediately, I turned around and walked out of the front door and towards my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said "you have won my trust!"
MORAL :
Its better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket!
Bernard M - 27 Jul 2011 13:10 - 82 of 426
There were two guys working for the council. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Bernard M - 10 Aug 2011 11:10 - 83 of 426
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally. Technical analysis is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion.
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
HARRYCAT
- 04 Oct 2013 22:43
- 85 of 426
I'm sure this is doing the rounds, but for those that haven't seen it..........
"Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, rugby (dominated by the Kiwis), and rugby league (dominated by the Aussies). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby league (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
"Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, rugby (dominated by the Kiwis), and rugby league (dominated by the Aussies). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby league (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
CWMAM - 08 Oct 2013 06:45 - 86 of 426
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
CWMAM - 08 Oct 2013 06:53 - 87 of 426
> Subj: Have some more.
>
>
> The innocent live dangerously.
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
>
>
> The innocent live dangerously.
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
djalan
- 08 Oct 2013 09:16
- 88 of 426
LOL !!
CWMAM - 09 Oct 2013 10:47 - 89 of 426
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
CWMAM - 09 Oct 2013 12:13 - 90 of 426
Two sharks swimming around in the Irish sea, when one turns to the other and says "I am fed up with eating mackeral". The other shark replies "In that case lets headover to Morecombe Bay for a chinese."
Only a joke,i do like China and Chinese people.
Only a joke,i do like China and Chinese people.
CWMAM - 10 Oct 2013 11:07 - 91 of 426
HOME FOR LUNCH
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.
CWMAM - 12 Oct 2013 08:11 - 92 of 426
An older couple were lying in bed one night one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"
CWMAM - 12 Oct 2013 08:24 - 93 of 426
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said?
“Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”
“Just imagine, if I was playing with your boobs twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year,wouldn't you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ..
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said?
“Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”
“Just imagine, if I was playing with your boobs twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year,wouldn't you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ..
markymar
- 14 Oct 2013 11:21
- 94 of 426
A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives there is just a dog sat in a cage.
It was a Shitzu
It was a Shitzu
CWMAM - 14 Oct 2013 12:30 - 95 of 426
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" .."Bugger that"
says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
<>
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girl friend yet.
>
I
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
>
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
>
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London: Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
>
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
>
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
>
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
>
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
>
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
CWMAM - 15 Oct 2013 10:59 - 96 of 426
Theoretically or Realistically
A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
doodlebug4 - 15 Oct 2013 11:12 - 97 of 426
Tommy Cooper joke;
A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'
A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'
markymar
- 15 Oct 2013 16:03
- 98 of 426
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
doodlebug4 - 15 Oct 2013 16:40 - 99 of 426
Very clever these sheepdogs - unlike my two dopes!
HARRYCAT
- 15 Oct 2013 22:15
- 100 of 426
Woman in Essex, expecting a baby, has a serious accident and is unconscious.
Eventually she makes it and wakes up again only to realise she is not pregnant anymore.
She asks the nurse: 'did I have a bay whilst in coma'?
'Yes' said the nurse, 'you in fact had twins, one boy and one girl.'
'Are they alright'? asked the woman.
'Yes they are alright now, but they were very weak when they were born. And since your brother was around at the time, we asked him for permission to christian the two kids and your brother decided on a name for the two children.'
The woman was slightly bewildered since she thought her brother was a down right dill and leaving it to him to choose a name for the kids could only end in disaster.
'Oh my god', the woman says, 'which name did he choose for the girl'?
The nurse says 'Denise'
'Oh well', the woman mumbles, 'that is not too bad, in fact its quite a nice name I like it.'
'And what name did he choose for the boy' the woman asks.
'Denephew' says the nurse.
Eventually she makes it and wakes up again only to realise she is not pregnant anymore.
She asks the nurse: 'did I have a bay whilst in coma'?
'Yes' said the nurse, 'you in fact had twins, one boy and one girl.'
'Are they alright'? asked the woman.
'Yes they are alright now, but they were very weak when they were born. And since your brother was around at the time, we asked him for permission to christian the two kids and your brother decided on a name for the two children.'
The woman was slightly bewildered since she thought her brother was a down right dill and leaving it to him to choose a name for the kids could only end in disaster.
'Oh my god', the woman says, 'which name did he choose for the girl'?
The nurse says 'Denise'
'Oh well', the woman mumbles, 'that is not too bad, in fact its quite a nice name I like it.'
'And what name did he choose for the boy' the woman asks.
'Denephew' says the nurse.
HARRYCAT
- 15 Oct 2013 22:26
- 101 of 426
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Gatwick Airport .
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows.'
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world.'
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations.'
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*ck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, 'Ryanair.'
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows.'
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world.'
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations.'
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*ck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, 'Ryanair.'
doodlebug4 - 15 Oct 2013 22:28 - 102 of 426
LOL
dreamcatcher
- 15 Oct 2013 22:28
- 103 of 426
lol
CWMAM - 16 Oct 2013 11:34 - 104 of 426
I took my wife to a Disco Dance last Saturday night.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything
breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, jiving, the works.
She turned to me and said, " See that guy there?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, " Looks like he's still celebrating!! "
skinny
- 16 Oct 2013 12:14
- 105 of 426
:-))
CWMAM - 17 Oct 2013 19:00 - 106 of 426
SCOTTISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……
‘F*** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.’
CWMAM - 18 Oct 2013 14:36 - 107 of 426
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar..
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
CWMAM - 22 Oct 2013 10:27 - 108 of 426
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
CWMAM - 22 Oct 2013 10:33 - 109 of 426
Pregnant prostitute ---- BRILLIANT
Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute..
"Do you know who the father is?"
"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"she replied.
CWMAM - 23 Oct 2013 12:36 - 110 of 426
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too
2517GEORGE
- 25 Oct 2013 09:56
- 111 of 426
I posted this one some years ago on another thread so apologies for those that saw it.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce court.
The Judge says to Mickey, ''I can't give you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie Mouse has protruding teeth''
Mickey replies, ''I didn't say she had protruding teeth, I said she was f-----g Goofy''
2517
Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce court.
The Judge says to Mickey, ''I can't give you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie Mouse has protruding teeth''
Mickey replies, ''I didn't say she had protruding teeth, I said she was f-----g Goofy''
2517
HARRYCAT
- 25 Oct 2013 10:43
- 112 of 426
Tom was working in the garden and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife indicated that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife indicated that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
CWMAM - 25 Oct 2013 15:32 - 113 of 426
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
CWMAM - 25 Oct 2013 15:47 - 114 of 426
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the Hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
niceonecyril - 27 Oct 2013 14:05 - 115 of 426
3friends from uni would meet up once a year,one a mistress,a girlfriend and a wife.After a few to many drinks their lovelife came up,each felt it had become a little stale.So they all agreed to fress up in Black letherware and see what effect it would have?
At the next get tigether they compared their exoeriences,the mistress told how
they made love all night long,the girl fruend had the same responce,they looj at the wife wfo was a littke quite before relaying her experience.
I decided to cook him his favorate meal to add a ltle extra and dressed up was bent over getting the meal out of the iven,when he came through the door,
he slapped my backside and
asked : what's for dinner ,"BATMAN"
At the next get tigether they compared their exoeriences,the mistress told how
they made love all night long,the girl fruend had the same responce,they looj at the wife wfo was a littke quite before relaying her experience.
I decided to cook him his favorate meal to add a ltle extra and dressed up was bent over getting the meal out of the iven,when he came through the door,
he slapped my backside and
asked : what's for dinner ,"BATMAN"
CWMAM - 30 Oct 2013 11:11 - 116 of 426
Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so
many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are
you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday."
many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are
you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday."
skinny
- 31 Oct 2013 08:24
- 117 of 426
Black and White?
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.
AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.
AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!
Chris Carson
- 31 Oct 2013 08:29
- 118 of 426
Amen to that skinny :O)
CWMAM - 31 Oct 2013 08:38 - 119 of 426
Good old days!
greekman
- 31 Oct 2013 08:57
- 120 of 426
Well said Skinny, although your post bought back so many memories of my childhood, I have just made an appointment with my therapist.
Funny how years ago you hardly even saw a kid that did not have grazed knees.
I think that was a reason we all wore short trousers until the age of 14 (or in my case a sailor suit, but that's another story) in order to save on holes in long trousers.
I would think that if you did not that would have been a reason for calling in Social Services as it probably meant that kid was being kept indoors too much, whereas now grazed knees would probably be a sign of neglect.
Strange old world, ain't it!
Funny how years ago you hardly even saw a kid that did not have grazed knees.
I think that was a reason we all wore short trousers until the age of 14 (or in my case a sailor suit, but that's another story) in order to save on holes in long trousers.
I would think that if you did not that would have been a reason for calling in Social Services as it probably meant that kid was being kept indoors too much, whereas now grazed knees would probably be a sign of neglect.
Strange old world, ain't it!
mnamreh - 31 Oct 2013 08:59 - 121 of 426
.
HARRYCAT
- 01 Nov 2013 13:36
- 122 of 426
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pi**ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon mum? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, young man, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?"
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pi**ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon mum? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, young man, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?"
CWMAM - 01 Nov 2013 16:40 - 123 of 426
nice one HARRYCAT.
skinny
- 06 Nov 2013 12:55
- 124 of 426
Doggone!
BAYLIS
- 06 Nov 2013 13:09
- 125 of 426
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"
djalan
- 06 Nov 2013 14:14
- 126 of 426
LOL !!
CWMAM - 07 Nov 2013 06:50 - 127 of 426
NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist
as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
greekman
- 07 Nov 2013 07:32
- 128 of 426
The last time I had my prostrate checked it was by a young quite pretty doctor and a nurse to assist as it required 2 to hold and 1 to probe.
As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.
Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.
As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.
Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.
ExecLine
- 07 Nov 2013 10:04
- 129 of 426
Nice jokes you two. :-)
Pleased to see you're still around, greekman. :-)
Pleased to see you're still around, greekman. :-)
Shortie - 07 Nov 2013 12:09 - 130 of 426
I've just discovered my girlfriends Twitter, its the space between her C*#T and her Shitter..!!
greekman
- 07 Nov 2013 17:41
- 131 of 426
Hi ExecLine,
Yes still around thanks.
Yes still around thanks.
CWMAM - 11 Nov 2013 12:51 - 132 of 426
I LOVE THIS WOMAN
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
CWMAM - 11 Nov 2013 12:55 - 133 of 426
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair
The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
djalan
- 11 Nov 2013 22:45
- 134 of 426
V Good
CWMAM - 12 Nov 2013 11:51 - 135 of 426
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure, your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
CWMAM - 12 Nov 2013 12:00 - 136 of 426
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
greekman
- 12 Nov 2013 16:15
- 137 of 426
CWMAM,
Your jokes have given me some great laughs on these dark autum days.
Where the hell do you find them!
Your jokes have given me some great laughs on these dark autum days.
Where the hell do you find them!
CWMAM - 12 Nov 2013 16:21 - 138 of 426
Hi greekman,glad you enjoy them,i have a few friends who swap jokes,its good to laugh.
CWMAM - 12 Nov 2013 16:44 - 139 of 426
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fu***ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!''
Hilarious.....
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f***ng business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
CWMAM - 13 Nov 2013 06:38 - 140 of 426
Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
CWMAM - 15 Nov 2013 15:23 - 141 of 426
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
You know you're going to send this on.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
You know you're going to send this on.
skinny
- 22 Nov 2013 06:59
- 142 of 426
greekman
- 22 Nov 2013 10:33
- 143 of 426
This looks so real, but it has to be faked.
CWMAM - 25 Nov 2013 06:04 - 144 of 426
A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
God Bless The Scots!
CWMAM - 28 Nov 2013 13:03 - 145 of 426
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
CWMAM - 02 Dec 2013 13:07 - 146 of 426
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
CWMAM - 07 Dec 2013 13:16 - 147 of 426
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
doodlebug4 - 07 Dec 2013 13:28 - 148 of 426
He also said, "Woman with skirt up runs faster than man with trousers down".
kimoldfield
- 07 Dec 2013 20:12
- 149 of 426
The Irish Furniture Dealer.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
CWMAM - 09 Dec 2013 13:54 - 150 of 426
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, so she became worried and called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
skinny
- 10 Dec 2013 08:50
- 151 of 426
CWMAM - 15 Dec 2013 17:59 - 152 of 426
A Jewish couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us having a sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medical insurance.
HARRYCAT
- 17 Dec 2013 12:59
- 153 of 426
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in a less than salubrious part of the city. It was raining and all the women of easy virtue were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.
CWMAM - 17 Dec 2013 21:27 - 154 of 426
Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets".
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident, where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets".
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident, where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!
CWMAM - 11 Jan 2014 15:16 - 155 of 426
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story..did you????
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story..did you????
CWMAM - 11 Jan 2014 15:19 - 156 of 426
An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed . With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend . I've found real
love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle
But it's not only that I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the country
side. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us
with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want .
In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better . He deserves it.
Don't worry about money . Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their
basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene
and an extra £100 for the donkey.
Don't worry Mum . Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can
meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter
Sarah
P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes!!!!!!!!!
CWMAM - 11 Jan 2014 15:24 - 157 of 426
Elton and David
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...
Shortie - 13 Jan 2014 12:48 - 158 of 426
CWMM thats brilliant, lol..
CWMAM - 13 Jan 2014 15:30 - 159 of 426
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ..... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
HARRYCAT
- 14 Jan 2014 09:41
- 160 of 426
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
CWMAM - 14 Jan 2014 09:49 - 161 of 426
If you think life is bad....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,
I mean day!!!!!
CWMAM - 16 Jan 2014 05:46 - 162 of 426
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
3 monkies - 16 Jan 2014 06:00 - 163 of 426
CWMAN - Most of your jokes are hilarious or should I say appeal to my sense of humour. A little light heartedness didn't hurt anybody. Cheers.
CWMAM - 21 Jan 2014 08:52 - 164 of 426
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair
The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
CWMAM - 24 Jan 2014 09:04 - 165 of 426
Why Irish eyes are full of laughter.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Life is too short for negative drama & petty things
CWMAM - 24 Jan 2014 14:23 - 166 of 426
A sexually active, middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that
She wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years,
They had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. ”I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality And that the first rose was from him:
”I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same Procedure done some time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
She wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years,
They had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. ”I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality And that the first rose was from him:
”I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same Procedure done some time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Shortie - 24 Jan 2014 14:35 - 167 of 426
CWMAM - you've excelled once again
skinny
- 24 Jan 2014 14:38
- 168 of 426
Funny! - To date it - the first time I heard it - the recipient of the ears was Niki Lauda!
On edit :- I can't say who the woman was!!
On edit :- I can't say who the woman was!!
ExecLine
- 24 Jan 2014 14:55
- 169 of 426
As the baby rabbit said, adventuring through the woods one day and meeting his first snake:
"Oh, I know who you are. You're Nicky Lauda, aren't you?"
"Oh, I know who you are. You're Nicky Lauda, aren't you?"
HARRYCAT
- 27 Jan 2014 15:51
- 170 of 426
Teacher is doing a bit of job counselling and decides to ask the kids in her 3rd grade class what they would like to do when they become adults and venture out into the big wide world.
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f*ck that, -- I want to be Johnny's bitch!"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f*ck that, -- I want to be Johnny's bitch!"
skinny
- 29 Jan 2014 09:46
- 171 of 426
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women -- will be finished reading this by now.
Men -- are still busy checking their thumbs.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women -- will be finished reading this by now.
Men -- are still busy checking their thumbs.
CWMAM - 29 Jan 2014 10:13 - 172 of 426
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that.. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , FL " he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,”How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied: "How did you know my name was Katz?
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that.. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , FL " he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,”How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied: "How did you know my name was Katz?
doodlebug4 - 01 Feb 2014 12:03 - 173 of 426
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
niceonecyril - 02 Feb 2014 19:31 - 174 of 426
New Store Opened At Southampton's Westquay Centre
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Southampton , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
__________________
It's Better To Have Had Memories Than Dreams.
midknight
- 04 Feb 2014 11:28
- 175 of 426
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
CWMAM - 04 Feb 2014 11:48 - 176 of 426
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says… And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the dishes!!
doodlebug4 - 06 Feb 2014 13:44 - 177 of 426
Some of these are pretty old, but still funny at the second time of reading:
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
doodlebug4 - 08 Feb 2014 17:03 - 178 of 426
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin’, snowin’, hailin’ . .. . why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros”.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin’, snowin’, hailin’ . .. . why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros”.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
niceonecyril - 20 Feb 2014 22:40 - 179 of 426
greekman
- 21 Feb 2014 11:06
- 180 of 426
Reminds me of a date I had with a girlfiend (I was drunk at the time), mind you that dog had better table manners.
doodlebug4 - 24 Feb 2014 12:23 - 181 of 426
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
> She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy callinghimself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
>
> "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
>
> Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad, and I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
> everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
>
>
>
> He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
> She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy callinghimself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
>
> "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
>
> Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad, and I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
> everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
>
>
>
> He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
CWMAM - 04 Mar 2014 11:44 - 182 of 426
One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.”
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.”
He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club
3 monkies - 04 Mar 2014 12:10 - 183 of 426
Very good.
CWMAM - 04 Mar 2014 21:15 - 184 of 426
The Art Of Conversing With Spouse
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three
buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and
smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone
in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her
skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started
breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars
all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and
excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three
buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and
smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone
in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her
skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started
breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars
all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and
excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
CWMAM - 04 Mar 2014 21:32 - 185 of 426
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke....
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
*****************************************************************************
3 monkies - 04 Mar 2014 21:35 - 186 of 426
Mmmmmmm!!!very good.
skinny
- 05 Mar 2014 06:45
- 187 of 426
greekman
- 05 Mar 2014 07:22
- 188 of 426
Briliant Skinny
CWMAM - 05 Mar 2014 16:31 - 189 of 426
You have to hand it to them!
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove....
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!way
CWMAM - 05 Mar 2014 16:49 - 190 of 426
Involuntary Muscle Contraction
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.’
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.’
skinny
- 06 Mar 2014 11:50
- 191 of 426
VERN'S FUNERAL
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
CWMAM - 08 Mar 2014 07:56 - 192 of 426
Glaswegians Wedding
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white
djalan
- 09 Mar 2014 21:21
- 193 of 426
LOL !!
3 monkies - 10 Mar 2014 01:02 - 194 of 426
Great to read some humour one needs a laugh - keep them coming.
CWMAM - 10 Mar 2014 13:02 - 195 of 426
PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is..'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
SEX & ARGUMENTS
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight..'
He was right.. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'
CWMAM - 10 Mar 2014 17:23 - 196 of 426
Another old joke........................
Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Passenger: Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: "Yes Sir, Same price
3 monkies - 10 Mar 2014 18:14 - 197 of 426
Are you as good at making money on the stock market as you are in telling jokes? - you come out with some classics, long may the jokes continue.
CWMAM - 10 Mar 2014 23:27 - 198 of 426
Yes i do ok
akel44 - 11 Mar 2014 10:42 - 199 of 426
need an ark?....
I noah guy
I noah guy
midknight
- 11 Mar 2014 11:01
- 200 of 426
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts" he thought.Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in at the Bounty hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet. At the same time he gave her a GobStopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.
skinny
- 11 Mar 2014 12:15
- 201 of 426
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard:He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:Japan.
Chris Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ........ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Daryl Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:Blimey?
Phil Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:(Silence)
Phil Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard:He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:Japan.
Chris Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ........ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Daryl Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:Blimey?
Phil Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:(Silence)
Phil Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
midknight
- 11 Mar 2014 12:36
- 202 of 426
Skinny, you're going back a long way now quoting
Bamber G, your starter for ten! I was a kid then.
Bamber G, your starter for ten! I was a kid then.
skinny
- 11 Mar 2014 12:38
- 203 of 426
I think there are probably a few on here that grew up watching him.
Notable contestants
I'm not sure who the Wizard of New Zealand is!
Notable contestants
I'm not sure who the Wizard of New Zealand is!
skinny
- 13 Mar 2014 16:23
- 204 of 426
Scottish Independence Map
Haystack
- 13 Mar 2014 16:51
- 205 of 426
That's an AOL mail attachment. You cannot post it here. It needs to be a located on a web site.
skinny
- 13 Mar 2014 16:55
- 206 of 426
Done!
niceonecyril - 18 Mar 2014 19:38 - 207 of 426
Had a go at the new game last night Paraolympian cluedo
Not very good..
Keep getting the same answer..
The Sprinter
In the Bathroom.
With The Gun..
kimoldfield
- 21 Mar 2014 11:23
- 208 of 426
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*!g idiot '
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*!g idiot '
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong
skinny
- 21 Mar 2014 11:28
- 209 of 426
Ain't that the truth!
kimoldfield
- 21 Mar 2014 11:29
- 210 of 426
'fraid so!! :o)
greekman
- 21 Mar 2014 18:47
- 211 of 426
That shows why it's best to never listen.
My wife said something that shocked me last week, no she did not admit to an affair, no she had not spent all my money, or admitted to a love child, in she actually said 'sorry'.
The shock was, its the first time she has ever said that word to me, after 34 years of marriage.
My wife said something that shocked me last week, no she did not admit to an affair, no she had not spent all my money, or admitted to a love child, in she actually said 'sorry'.
The shock was, its the first time she has ever said that word to me, after 34 years of marriage.
skinny
- 21 Mar 2014 18:54
- 212 of 426
She must have got you mixed up with her lover!
3 monkies - 21 Mar 2014 19:13 - 213 of 426
Or spent all your pension!!
Haystack
- 22 Mar 2014 09:54
- 214 of 426
She never finished the sentence! What was she sorry or? It was meant as a torture while you work it out.
greekman
- 24 Mar 2014 07:02
- 215 of 426
Must say the comments to my post made me smile his snow covered morning.
CWMAM - 24 Mar 2014 08:35 - 216 of 426
Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is
near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the
New Town."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away,
she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"
near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the
New Town."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away,
she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"
CWMAM - 24 Mar 2014 08:46 - 217 of 426
Anna lost her husband some four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..
Their first night there, she undressed as did he.
There she stood naked, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'
CWMAM - 26 Mar 2014 17:52 - 218 of 426
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f*****, you might as well gan fishing
CWMAM - 28 Mar 2014 15:10 - 219 of 426
His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
>>> Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
>>>
>>> Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
>>> Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.
>>>
>>> Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
>>> responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
>>>
>>> Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say he’s a
>>> front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
>>>
>>> Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
>>> Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
>>>
>>> New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
>>> creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
>>>
>>> Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one
>>> is like taking a shot in the dark.
>>>
>>> Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
>>>
>>> Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!
>>>
>>> New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
>>> acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
>>>
>>> She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the “ silence of
>>> the limbs. “
>>>
>>> I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when
>>> he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works
>>> over there, right?
>>>
>>> When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied
>>> athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
>>>
>>> First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I
>>> think Nike should start telling their athletes” Just Don’t Do It.”
>>>
>>> Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called “/Blade
>>> Gunner/.”
>>>
>>> If Oscar is found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
>>>
>>> And finally,
>>> Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
>>
>
midknight
- 31 Mar 2014 12:09
- 220 of 426
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlate italiano?" No response.
"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.
So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."
"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlate italiano?" No response.
"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.
So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."
midknight
- 31 Mar 2014 12:12
- 221 of 426
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's
been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with
Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in Church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters
the Church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays
up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress
is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with
Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in Church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters
the Church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays
up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress
is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
kimoldfield
- 31 Mar 2014 20:40
- 222 of 426
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar having a beer.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap."
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap."
skinny
- 01 Apr 2014 07:25
- 223 of 426
:-)
midknight
- 01 Apr 2014 12:26
- 224 of 426
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock..'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock..'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
CWMAM - 04 Apr 2014 11:45 - 225 of 426
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop."You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around...."he stated.
LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need."I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE..."I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,
'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"
The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.
The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'
midknight
- 07 Apr 2014 12:09
- 226 of 426
A man is talking to the family doctor.
"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having STEAK PIE!"
"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having STEAK PIE!"
rekirkham
- 07 Apr 2014 12:14
- 227 of 426
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=commedy%20three%20peeing&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DqqpcPEa2PV0&ei=v5bUULKdHYqK0AWdzoGwCw&usg=AFQjCNFM8mlo-gz3fg7Vfiixk_FvpgrHdg&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.d2k
Balerboy
- 07 Apr 2014 14:02
- 228 of 426
Good vid, Mr Kirkham, put it on a link for others:
Very funny.
Very funny.
midknight
- 07 Apr 2014 16:13
- 229 of 426
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to an attractive blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her,
he said: "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him and his balls for
a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity
any longer, she asked:
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to an attractive blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her,
he said: "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him and his balls for
a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity
any longer, she asked:
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
skinny
- 08 Apr 2014 08:48
- 230 of 426
Alex Salmon walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.
>
> SALMON: "Good morning, Miss, would please cash this cheque for me?"
>
> CASHIER: "It would be a pleasure, sir" Could you please show me your ID?"
>
> SALMOND: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
> that there was any need to. I am Alex Salmon, the leader of the SNP
> and the First Minister of Scotland."
>
> CASHIER: "Yes,sir, I know who you are but with all the new regulations
> and monotoring of the banks and because of imposters and forgers etc, I
> must insist on seeing your ID."
>
> SALMOND: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
> you. Everyone knows who I am."
>
> CASHIER: "I'm sorry, Mr. Salmon, but these are the bank rules and I
> must follow them."
>
> SALMOND: "C'mon lassie, I urge you, please, just cash my cheque."
>
> CASHIER: "Look , Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.
> One day, Tiger Woods came into our bank without ID. To prove he was
> who he said he was, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot
> across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him as Tiger
> Woods and we then cashed his cheque."
>
> "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He
> pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot volleying a
> tennis ball into a cup. With that shot, we cashed his cheque."
>
> "So Mr. Salmond, what can we do to prove that it is you
> and only you?"
>
> SALMOND: Honestly, my mind is a complete blank...... there is nothing
> that comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have
> absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
>
> CASHIER: " Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Salmond?"
>
>
>
>
> SALMON: "Good morning, Miss, would please cash this cheque for me?"
>
> CASHIER: "It would be a pleasure, sir" Could you please show me your ID?"
>
> SALMOND: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
> that there was any need to. I am Alex Salmon, the leader of the SNP
> and the First Minister of Scotland."
>
> CASHIER: "Yes,sir, I know who you are but with all the new regulations
> and monotoring of the banks and because of imposters and forgers etc, I
> must insist on seeing your ID."
>
> SALMOND: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
> you. Everyone knows who I am."
>
> CASHIER: "I'm sorry, Mr. Salmon, but these are the bank rules and I
> must follow them."
>
> SALMOND: "C'mon lassie, I urge you, please, just cash my cheque."
>
> CASHIER: "Look , Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.
> One day, Tiger Woods came into our bank without ID. To prove he was
> who he said he was, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot
> across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him as Tiger
> Woods and we then cashed his cheque."
>
> "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He
> pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot volleying a
> tennis ball into a cup. With that shot, we cashed his cheque."
>
> "So Mr. Salmond, what can we do to prove that it is you
> and only you?"
>
> SALMOND: Honestly, my mind is a complete blank...... there is nothing
> that comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have
> absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
>
> CASHIER: " Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Salmond?"
>
>
>
kimoldfield
- 08 Apr 2014 11:57
- 231 of 426
Lol!
midknight
- 08 Apr 2014 15:12
- 232 of 426
Alf and his wife were fast asleep when the phone rang
and woke them both up. It was 2 am.
Alf picked up the phone, listened for a moment and growled:
"How should I know, it's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The wife said, "Who was that, darling?"
Alf replied: "No idea, honey, Some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."
and woke them both up. It was 2 am.
Alf picked up the phone, listened for a moment and growled:
"How should I know, it's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The wife said, "Who was that, darling?"
Alf replied: "No idea, honey, Some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."
ExecLine
- 09 Apr 2014 13:24
- 233 of 426
You can't make it up! This picture with its accompanying article appeared in my local Northampton paper. :-)
http://arbroath.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/police-try-to-identify-woman-who.html
Was she a local woman or a Romanian gypsy? Police are trying to get to the very bottom of it.
Is it anyone you recognise? If so, why? How? When?
http://arbroath.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/police-try-to-identify-woman-who.html
Was she a local woman or a Romanian gypsy? Police are trying to get to the very bottom of it.
Is it anyone you recognise? If so, why? How? When?
ExecLine
- 09 Apr 2014 13:27
- 234 of 426
skinny
- 09 Apr 2014 13:28
- 235 of 426
America?
skinny
- 10 Apr 2014 09:06
- 236 of 426
Look VERY closely : It is a person !
CWMAM - 11 Apr 2014 09:38 - 237 of 426
Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
CWMAM - 14 Apr 2014 11:11 - 238 of 426
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,
but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of
the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,
their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours,
so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in
and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,
called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs
and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,
gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around
the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
kimoldfield
- 14 Apr 2014 13:03
- 239 of 426
Lol!
CWMAM - 15 Apr 2014 16:38 - 240 of 426
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.
When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....
the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"
"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"
When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....
the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"
"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"
CWMAM - 24 Apr 2014 08:45 - 241 of 426
----- This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even
Though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
The road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a
Car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter
And without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. Only
To realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine
Wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead
And saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
Life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
Through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with
Terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
Harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down
The road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
Ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
About the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was
Crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from
The stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
Breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
The bar, one said to the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that f .king idiot that got in the
Car while we were pushing it!!!!"
midknight
- 25 Apr 2014 15:01
- 242 of 426
A renowned cardiologist died and was given
a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had
worked for most of his life.
The centrepiece was a huge heart covered in flowers
which stood behind the casket during the service.
All the doctors from the hospital were awesruck.
After the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst out laughing.
As everyone stared at him, he said:
"I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!"
The priest fainted.
a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had
worked for most of his life.
The centrepiece was a huge heart covered in flowers
which stood behind the casket during the service.
All the doctors from the hospital were awesruck.
After the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst out laughing.
As everyone stared at him, he said:
"I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!"
The priest fainted.
CWMAM - 27 Apr 2014 10:37 - 243 of 426
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in
this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we might as well do as the
Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"
CWMAM - 06 May 2014 19:11 - 244 of 426
Irish pickle factory
Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years
he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable
to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory
psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised
Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any
peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey
tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and
did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked
down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact
penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about
the pickle slicer?"
Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."
Balerboy
- 06 May 2014 19:34
- 245 of 426
oooooh thats an old one...... Jethro days.,.
jimmy b
- 06 May 2014 21:59
- 246 of 426
.......
CWMAM - 08 May 2014 16:52 - 247 of 426
"I have outlived my pecker."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!
A Poem - by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!
HARRYCAT
- 22 May 2014 16:28
- 248 of 426
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a moment when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a moment when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.
skinny
- 22 May 2014 16:32
- 249 of 426
:-)
skinny
- 22 May 2014 16:33
- 250 of 426
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife, Irene, and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" I leaned over, touched Irene's hand gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"
And thus began my life of celibacy.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife, Irene, and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" I leaned over, touched Irene's hand gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"
And thus began my life of celibacy.
skinny
- 23 May 2014 06:46
- 251 of 426
.
skinny
- 23 May 2014 06:47
- 252 of 426
3 monkies - 24 May 2014 16:01 - 253 of 426
Very good skinny.
Balerboy
- 25 May 2014 17:52
- 254 of 426
lol skinny.,.
skinny
- 27 May 2014 07:44
- 255 of 426
Coffee and Testicles
A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service!Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..
Absolutely no point in you being here for that."
A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service!Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..
Absolutely no point in you being here for that."
doodlebug4 - 29 May 2014 17:41 - 256 of 426
Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."
"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.
"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."
"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.
"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."
The Vicar - 31 May 2014 14:16 - 257 of 426
>A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
> few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
> examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in
> season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke,
> a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
>Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
> any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
> approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
> for £500?
> Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
> over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
> offer, but only under four conditions:
> 1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
> agreed to this condition.
>2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The
> Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
>3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
> Once again it was agreed.
>4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
> come up wi' 500 quid"
> few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
> examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in
> season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke,
> a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
>Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
> any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
> approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
> for £500?
> Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
> over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
> offer, but only under four conditions:
> 1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
> agreed to this condition.
>2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The
> Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
>3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
> Once again it was agreed.
>4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
> come up wi' 500 quid"
djalan
- 01 Jun 2014 23:31
- 258 of 426
skinny
- 02 Jun 2014 14:06
- 259 of 426
When a woman wears a leather dress...
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new Car !
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new Car !
The Vicar - 02 Jun 2014 14:18 - 260 of 426
http://Ultimate Dog Tease
Please see next post....thank you!
Please see next post....thank you!
ExecLine
- 02 Jun 2014 14:20
- 261 of 426
Try this:
Balerboy
- 02 Jun 2014 21:53
- 262 of 426
being asked if it's ok to store things on my computer ain't no joke........
CWMAM - 07 Jun 2014 16:44 - 263 of 426
COFFEE
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he
sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again
ExecLine
- 07 Jun 2014 23:43
- 264 of 426
Q. What's in between murder and suicide?
A. Hmmm? Is it Merseyside?
A. Hmmm? Is it Merseyside?
skinny
- 16 Jun 2014 08:59
- 265 of 426
Golden Rules for Fishing with a Hand Grenade:
1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it well away from the boat.
3. Net the stunned fish.
These guys forgot step 2.
I could watch it for hours....
1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it well away from the boat.
3. Net the stunned fish.
These guys forgot step 2.
I could watch it for hours....
Shortie - 16 Jun 2014 10:17 - 266 of 426
Link not working Skinny..
skinny
- 16 Jun 2014 10:20
- 267 of 426
Fixed!
kimoldfield
- 16 Jun 2014 10:24
- 268 of 426
Brilliant. I think they were stunned!
skinny
- 16 Jun 2014 13:09
- 269 of 426
*WARNING* The following video of the bull run in Pamplona, Spain, is graphic and violent.
What possesses these knuckleheads to participate in such lunacy?
How Spain Gets Rid of Stupid People
What possesses these knuckleheads to participate in such lunacy?
How Spain Gets Rid of Stupid People
skinny
- 23 Jun 2014 09:39
- 270 of 426
Regret to say it just about explains the state the country is in.
The Queen's Riddle
David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"
The Queen smiled and said to Charles,
"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered
"That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !
And in a great rush he left.
David Cameron went back to Parliament
He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.
Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,
"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;
"That's easy, it's me!"
Nick Clegg grinned, and said,
"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."
" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister
The Child is Nigel Farage !"
David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"
. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !
________________________________________________________________
The Queen's Riddle
David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"
The Queen smiled and said to Charles,
"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered
"That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !
And in a great rush he left.
David Cameron went back to Parliament
He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.
Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,
"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;
"That's easy, it's me!"
Nick Clegg grinned, and said,
"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."
" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister
The Child is Nigel Farage !"
David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"
. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !
________________________________________________________________
greekman
- 23 Jun 2014 09:53
- 271 of 426
Very good Skinny.
ExecLine
- 23 Jun 2014 10:09
- 272 of 426
Three contractors are bidding to fix a damaged wall in an NHS hospital.
One is from Tottenham, another is from West Ham, and the third is from Luton. All three go with a senior NHS manager to examine the wall.
The Tottenham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will cost about £20,000. £10,000 for materials, £8,000 for the labour and £2,000 profit for me."
The West Ham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £15,000. £8,000 for materials, £6,000 for labour, and £1,000 profit for me."
The Luton contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the NHS manager and whispers, "£36,000."
The manager, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Luton contractor whispers back, "£8,000 for me, £8,000 for you, and we hire my mate's firm from Tottenham to fix the wall."
"Done!" replies the NHS manager.
One is from Tottenham, another is from West Ham, and the third is from Luton. All three go with a senior NHS manager to examine the wall.
The Tottenham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will cost about £20,000. £10,000 for materials, £8,000 for the labour and £2,000 profit for me."
The West Ham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £15,000. £8,000 for materials, £6,000 for labour, and £1,000 profit for me."
The Luton contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the NHS manager and whispers, "£36,000."
The manager, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Luton contractor whispers back, "£8,000 for me, £8,000 for you, and we hire my mate's firm from Tottenham to fix the wall."
"Done!" replies the NHS manager.
skinny
- 08 Jul 2014 10:33
- 273 of 426
*Stay Off Your Bicycle*
*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *
*The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week
*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *
*The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week
skinny
- 08 Jul 2014 11:17
- 274 of 426
Not the best pre referendum PR shot!
jimmy b
- 08 Jul 2014 11:18
- 275 of 426
Brilliant !
kimoldfield
- 08 Jul 2014 12:47
- 276 of 426
Lol! :o)
djalan
- 27 Jul 2014 00:37
- 277 of 426
LOL !!
midknight
- 01 Aug 2014 10:34
- 278 of 426
Not a joke really, but this seems to be the right thread for this.
Paraprosdokians:
Paraprosdokians are expressions in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Winston Churchill, it is said, loved them. Here are some examples. Enjoy.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it is getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Paraprosdokians:
Paraprosdokians are expressions in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Winston Churchill, it is said, loved them. Here are some examples. Enjoy.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it is getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
ExecLine
- 01 Aug 2014 14:49
- 279 of 426
I like 'em. Here's some more:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila (+ Diet Coke?).
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Paraprosdokian Jokes:
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx
I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat." Will Rogers
On the other hand, we have different fingers. Jack Handey
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila (+ Diet Coke?).
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Paraprosdokian Jokes:
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx
I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat." Will Rogers
On the other hand, we have different fingers. Jack Handey
skinny
- 05 Aug 2014 15:29
- 280 of 426
greekman
- 05 Aug 2014 17:04
- 281 of 426
Blimey, she will be in bother, how dare she speak the truth, does she not know that is not allowed.
Seriously though, it's about time some of our lot spoke a lot less politically correct.
The saying that all Muslims are not terrorists but all (or most) terrorists are Muslims is a truth not often said.
It will not be right if in the not too distant future, all Muslims are treated as terrorists, but if things carry on as they are it may become a necessity.
Appreciate this post would be more appropriate for the Speak to yourself thread, but there is so much drivel on there, I have not posted or read it for many months.
Rant over.
Seriously though, it's about time some of our lot spoke a lot less politically correct.
The saying that all Muslims are not terrorists but all (or most) terrorists are Muslims is a truth not often said.
It will not be right if in the not too distant future, all Muslims are treated as terrorists, but if things carry on as they are it may become a necessity.
Appreciate this post would be more appropriate for the Speak to yourself thread, but there is so much drivel on there, I have not posted or read it for many months.
Rant over.
midknight
- 07 Aug 2014 10:43
- 282 of 426
I like this from today's Telegraph obituary of Chapman Pincher:
"Beaverbrook believed in God, but was markedly reluctant to meet Him."
"Beaverbrook believed in God, but was markedly reluctant to meet Him."
Haystack
- 07 Aug 2014 20:16
- 283 of 426
The video was nonsense. The woman quoted loads of statistics that no one challenged. She was suggesting that 25% of Muslims are radicals. I doubt that it is even 1%. She was just a rabble rouser and people in the US are susceptible to that sort of talk.
skinny
- 13 Aug 2014 11:14
- 284 of 426
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood, hitched up his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood again, and said, "I do. What’s wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood, hitched up his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood again, and said, "I do. What’s wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
kimoldfield
- 13 Aug 2014 19:07
- 285 of 426
Groan. Lol! :o)
Balerboy
- 13 Aug 2014 19:43
- 286 of 426
Agreed kim.,. :))
skinny
- 13 Aug 2014 19:43
- 287 of 426
Oh come on! :-)))
kimoldfield
- 13 Aug 2014 21:15
- 288 of 426
A joke is a joke I suppose so well, oh ok....hahahahaha! Groan! :o)
kimoldfield
- 13 Aug 2014 21:25
- 289 of 426
Ok skinny, you started it!!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet.....
After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bridebroom, the other, the groom broom.
The bridebroom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bridebroom leaned over and said to the groom broom: 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' Said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake.....
Laugh,
Or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy
Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around !!!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet.....
After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bridebroom, the other, the groom broom.
The bridebroom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bridebroom leaned over and said to the groom broom: 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' Said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake.....
Laugh,
Or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy
Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around !!!
jimmy b
- 13 Aug 2014 22:49
- 290 of 426
kimoldfield
- 13 Aug 2014 23:14
- 291 of 426
Lol!
kimoldfield
- 13 Aug 2014 23:31
- 292 of 426
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
jimmy b
- 13 Aug 2014 23:36
- 293 of 426
doodlebug4 - 14 Aug 2014 10:53 - 294 of 426
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HMtQ: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HMtQ: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
Shortie - 14 Aug 2014 11:01 - 295 of 426
Very good..
kimoldfield
- 14 Aug 2014 11:15
- 296 of 426
Lol!
kimoldfield
- 14 Aug 2014 13:44
- 297 of 426
It's an old joke but I still like it! :-
David Cameron and Nick Clegg walk into a bookshop and ask for a book on coalitions.
The storekeeper says, "It's over there on the left... sorry, I mean the right... No! I tell a lie. We sold out."
David Cameron and Nick Clegg walk into a bookshop and ask for a book on coalitions.
The storekeeper says, "It's over there on the left... sorry, I mean the right... No! I tell a lie. We sold out."
doodlebug4 - 15 Aug 2014 11:44 - 298 of 426
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband began to touch her in ways he hadn´t , in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and then down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ´That was wonderful. Why did you stop?´
He replied, ´I found the remote.´
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and then down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ´That was wonderful. Why did you stop?´
He replied, ´I found the remote.´
HARRYCAT
- 24 Oct 2014 09:19
- 299 of 426
How to increase your home security!
"I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two National flags of Pakistan raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer!"
"I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two National flags of Pakistan raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer!"
doodlebug4 - 24 Oct 2014 09:43 - 300 of 426
Lol
doodlebug4 - 24 Oct 2014 12:23 - 301 of 426
A woman has trouble luring her man into bed & as a last resort, she goes to a Chinese medicine shop, in a quest to make herself more alluring.
On entering the Chinese medicine shop, she is shown into the back room, to be confronted by a wizened old Chinese medicine man.
The medicine man asks the woman to remove all her clothes, get on her hands & knees, then crawl away from him, then back again.
She does this a dozen times, while the Chinese medicine man studiously takes notes.
The medicine man, then says "Ok, I have made my diagnosis, you may put your clothes back on.
The flustered woman, asks "So what exactly is wrong with me?"
The Chinese medicine man says "Well, I'm afraid you have 'Exackery disease.
Woman, "Is there a cure for it?"
Medicine man, "No, I'm afraid not"
Woman, "Well what exactly is exackery disease?"
Chinese medicine man, "Well, your arse look exackery like your face.
On entering the Chinese medicine shop, she is shown into the back room, to be confronted by a wizened old Chinese medicine man.
The medicine man asks the woman to remove all her clothes, get on her hands & knees, then crawl away from him, then back again.
She does this a dozen times, while the Chinese medicine man studiously takes notes.
The medicine man, then says "Ok, I have made my diagnosis, you may put your clothes back on.
The flustered woman, asks "So what exactly is wrong with me?"
The Chinese medicine man says "Well, I'm afraid you have 'Exackery disease.
Woman, "Is there a cure for it?"
Medicine man, "No, I'm afraid not"
Woman, "Well what exactly is exackery disease?"
Chinese medicine man, "Well, your arse look exackery like your face.
skinny
- 27 Oct 2014 08:58
- 302 of 426
Just Like Insurance For Cars, Property, Sports etc.,
You Can Now Get Insurance For Sex !!
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes :-
a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.
i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.
j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.
. . . . . . . . . finally
k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered!
You Can Now Get Insurance For Sex !!
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes :-
a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.
i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.
j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.
. . . . . . . . . finally
k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered!
ExecLine
- 27 Oct 2014 09:56
- 303 of 426
Very clever. :-)
midknight
- 27 Oct 2014 10:32
- 304 of 426
I imagine Ecclesiastical Insurance might
suit those who practise coitus interruptus!
HARRYCAT
- 29 Oct 2014 09:11
- 305 of 426
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to a bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
They moved on a little. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge. They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "Strewth, I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
First he took him to a bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
They moved on a little. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge. They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "Strewth, I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
skinny
- 30 Oct 2014 11:50
- 306 of 426
The Joy of being Self employed
The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.
GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.
GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
jimmy b
- 30 Oct 2014 11:55
- 307 of 426
: ))
doodlebug4 - 05 Nov 2014 17:48 - 308 of 426
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
doodlebug4 - 05 Nov 2014 17:55 - 309 of 426
A lonely widow, age 70, decided it was time to get married again...
She put an ad in the local paper...
HUSBAND WANTED...
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)...
MUST NOT BEAT ME...
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME...
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...
A day later the doorbell rang...
Much to her dismay...
she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman...
sitting in a wheelchair...
He had no arms or legs...
The woman asked...
'You're not really asking me to consider you... are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs...
The man smiled... 'Therefore... I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted... 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again the man smiled... 'Therefore... I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently... 'Are you still good in bed???'
The man leaned back... beamed a big smile and replied...
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
3 monkies - 05 Nov 2014 18:05 - 310 of 426
Like it - the joke I meant. Ha! Ha!
HARRYCAT
- 06 Nov 2014 08:31
- 311 of 426
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation so that you can become rich and successful and take the business on in the future.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”
"I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation so that you can become rich and successful and take the business on in the future.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”
HARRYCAT
- 07 Nov 2014 09:40
- 312 of 426
A mother had 3 daughters, all were getting married within a short time of each other.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.
skinny
- 13 Nov 2014 11:34
- 313 of 426
The probe that landed on the comet has sent back some astonishing pictures.
Clangers!
Clangers!
skinny
- 14 Nov 2014 16:22
- 314 of 426
I woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
I groaned, but the doctor goes on, "You have $90,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $10,000 an inch." I perked up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
I agreed to talk it over with my wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
"What is your decision?" says the doctor"
"We're getting a new kitchen."
I groaned, but the doctor goes on, "You have $90,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $10,000 an inch." I perked up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
I agreed to talk it over with my wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
"What is your decision?" says the doctor"
"We're getting a new kitchen."
doodlebug4 - 14 Nov 2014 16:34 - 315 of 426
LOL
greekman
- 14 Nov 2014 17:44
- 316 of 426
My dream has been shattered,
Every time I make love to my wife, she shouts 'ikea ikea ikea', I always thought she was climaxing.
Every time I make love to my wife, she shouts 'ikea ikea ikea', I always thought she was climaxing.
skinny
- 19 Nov 2014 09:47
- 317 of 426
What a wonderful thing is technology
The ipad
Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.
This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function
The ipad
Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.
This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function
kevkan
- 19 Nov 2014 12:20
- 318 of 426
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE kittens
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"
when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE kittens
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"
when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
doodlebug4 - 20 Nov 2014 11:43 - 319 of 426
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up
meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the
door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up
meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the
door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
jimmy b
- 20 Nov 2014 13:41
- 320 of 426
:))
skinny
- 01 Dec 2014 09:04
- 321 of 426
Arthur is 85 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."
"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."
"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
greekman
- 01 Dec 2014 09:11
- 322 of 426
Skinny,
As a member of the older set, I take great offence at jokes about old people and their failing memory, in fact I am so incensed as soon as I remember where to complain I intend to do so.
As a member of the older set, I take great offence at jokes about old people and their failing memory, in fact I am so incensed as soon as I remember where to complain I intend to do so.
niceonecyril - 01 Dec 2014 09:41 - 323 of 426
Couple involved in nasty accident,hubby is shaken up, but the wife is seriously injured.
Hubby told major reconstruction and intensive plastic surgery required,he at once voluntiers as a donor.It will be a long and painful experience for both of you he's told,she's a good women and wife whom i love very dearly.
After many months the treatment is complete and the wife takes a look in the mirror,
"WOW" she exclaims i look better than be fore,younger.How can i repay you she asks the husband,you already have,"WHEN YOUR MOTHER KISSED YOU ON YOUR CHEEK"?
Hubby told major reconstruction and intensive plastic surgery required,he at once voluntiers as a donor.It will be a long and painful experience for both of you he's told,she's a good women and wife whom i love very dearly.
After many months the treatment is complete and the wife takes a look in the mirror,
"WOW" she exclaims i look better than be fore,younger.How can i repay you she asks the husband,you already have,"WHEN YOUR MOTHER KISSED YOU ON YOUR CHEEK"?
skinny
- 08 Dec 2014 09:31
- 324 of 426
doodlebug4 - 08 Dec 2014 12:42 - 325 of 426
Subject: THE GLOBAL DATING INDEX
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!
The POINT?
DON' T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH!
skinny
- 11 Dec 2014 16:15
- 326 of 426
midknight
- 12 Dec 2014 11:04
- 327 of 426
Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
Shortie - 12 Dec 2014 11:19 - 328 of 426
very good midnight
CWMAM - 12 Dec 2014 12:29 - 329 of 426
Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she
was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy
hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt... She figured,
what the
heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage. I'd
like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is
sex. I
want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy
all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic,...
but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
skinny
- 12 Dec 2014 12:41
- 330 of 426
:-))
midknight
- 15 Dec 2014 12:30
- 331 of 426
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for
dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed
and listens to the tirade...
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,
the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my
f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him
home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed
and listens to the tirade...
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,
the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my
f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him
home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
niceonecyril - 22 Dec 2014 15:57 - 332 of 426
3 monkies - 22 Dec 2014 17:06 - 333 of 426
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Balerboy
- 22 Dec 2014 20:23
- 334 of 426
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
and you smiled ! ! ! !
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
and you smiled ! ! ! !
doodlebug4 - 03 Jan 2015 12:31 - 335 of 426
Little Johnny strikes again
Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the illustrious labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the illustrious labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
Chris Carson
- 03 Jan 2015 13:09
- 336 of 426
LOL!!!
Shortie - 05 Jan 2015 09:52 - 337 of 426
Super DB..
skinny
- 05 Jan 2015 10:01
- 338 of 426
:-))
CWMAM - 05 Jan 2015 12:32 - 339 of 426
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose
hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as
our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are
'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a
'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up
there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as
our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are
'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a
'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up
there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
robertalexander
- 06 Jan 2015 01:11
- 340 of 426
A blonde and a redhead were getting ready for bed one night when the redhead turned and said 'i have slept with a Brazillian'
the blonde retorted 'you Slut, how many is in a brazillion?'
the blonde retorted 'you Slut, how many is in a brazillion?'
midknight
- 12 Jan 2015 11:46
- 341 of 426
Setting a new password:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters
.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters
.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
doodlebug4 - 12 Jan 2015 11:58 - 342 of 426
LOL
skinny
- 14 Jan 2015 11:55
- 343 of 426
THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted!
Balerboy
- 15 Jan 2015 16:25
- 344 of 426
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
But it doesn't have feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, right? So the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'What happened THEN?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him??? 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
To which the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you know you're having a really bad day.
But it doesn't have feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, right? So the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'What happened THEN?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him??? 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
To which the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you know you're having a really bad day.
skinny
- 15 Jan 2015 16:28
- 345 of 426
Well its brightened my day! :-)
midknight
- 15 Jan 2015 16:31
- 346 of 426
Wow!
jimmy b
- 15 Jan 2015 16:33
- 347 of 426
Balerboy
- 15 Jan 2015 16:38
- 348 of 426
Glad I'm good for something......... :))
doodlebug4 - 15 Jan 2015 16:54 - 349 of 426
V funny Balerboy !
jimmy b
- 15 Jan 2015 17:01
- 350 of 426
A Jew walks in to a pawn shop in West London very smartly dressed and says i'd like to borrow £8 for two weeks please ,
Ok says the money lender , does some calculations and says you will pay back one pound per week interest so providing you pay back in two weeks that will be £10 ,we also ask that you leave something of value .
Ok says the man i have a 2014 Rolls Royce out front, here are the keys .
The bemused shop owner takes the keys and the man leaves .
He returns in two weeks as agreed and takes a crisp tenner out of his wallet to clear the debt .
The money lender says your car is in our secure car park out back sir and hands him the keys , as he turns to go the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks , why would a man like you need to borrow £8 ?
The Jew turns and says ,i was going away for fortnight ,now where can i park a Rolls Royce in West London for two weeks for a tenner !
Ok says the money lender , does some calculations and says you will pay back one pound per week interest so providing you pay back in two weeks that will be £10 ,we also ask that you leave something of value .
Ok says the man i have a 2014 Rolls Royce out front, here are the keys .
The bemused shop owner takes the keys and the man leaves .
He returns in two weeks as agreed and takes a crisp tenner out of his wallet to clear the debt .
The money lender says your car is in our secure car park out back sir and hands him the keys , as he turns to go the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks , why would a man like you need to borrow £8 ?
The Jew turns and says ,i was going away for fortnight ,now where can i park a Rolls Royce in West London for two weeks for a tenner !
doodlebug4 - 20 Jan 2015 15:31 - 351 of 426
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON"
TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.
Stay......
I pulled into the parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
(this is going to hurt - read on)
"Why don't you just put the brake on?"
TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.
Stay......
I pulled into the parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
(this is going to hurt - read on)
"Why don't you just put the brake on?"
greekman
- 20 Jan 2015 17:01
- 352 of 426
HI dooglebug,
Very funny, just shows how true life can be funnier that fiction some times, mind you, its a good job you weren't looking at the blond and shouting, 'come come' instead of 'stay stay'.
Very funny, just shows how true life can be funnier that fiction some times, mind you, its a good job you weren't looking at the blond and shouting, 'come come' instead of 'stay stay'.
doodlebug4 - 20 Jan 2015 17:15 - 353 of 426
Lol !
Shortie - 21 Jan 2015 12:23 - 354 of 426
. wrong thread
skinny
- 19 Feb 2015 08:43
- 355 of 426
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
A chap called Craig notices green lumps
On his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
Union players get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says Craig, nodding seriously.
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
A chap called Craig notices green lumps
On his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
Union players get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says Craig, nodding seriously.
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
2517GEORGE
- 19 Feb 2015 09:53
- 356 of 426
A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is a lovely lake
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- I swam across the lake, there were 2 smashing birds there so I made love to them both twice, had lunch and swam back again where I saw another lovely bird, I made love to her twice as well, now I'm relaxing and soaking up the sun.
Mabel --- Oh Tom you never did that with me in all the time we were together
Tom --- Well back then I wasn't a duck Mabel!
2517
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is a lovely lake
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- I swam across the lake, there were 2 smashing birds there so I made love to them both twice, had lunch and swam back again where I saw another lovely bird, I made love to her twice as well, now I'm relaxing and soaking up the sun.
Mabel --- Oh Tom you never did that with me in all the time we were together
Tom --- Well back then I wasn't a duck Mabel!
2517
ExecLine
- 19 Feb 2015 13:14
- 357 of 426
A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is lots of lovely green grass to run around on.
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- Well, I had sex and then some breakfast. Then I had sex again. Then I ran around on the grass and had a sex a few more times. Then I had some lunch and some more sex. Afterwards I played on the grass and had some more sex with some of the girls until supper. After supper I had sex six more times and then went to bed for some more sex.
Mabel --- Oh Tom! I didn't realise it was like that in heaven!
Tom --- Heaven? Mabel, I'm a buck rabbit in Hertfordshire!
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is lots of lovely green grass to run around on.
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- Well, I had sex and then some breakfast. Then I had sex again. Then I ran around on the grass and had a sex a few more times. Then I had some lunch and some more sex. Afterwards I played on the grass and had some more sex with some of the girls until supper. After supper I had sex six more times and then went to bed for some more sex.
Mabel --- Oh Tom! I didn't realise it was like that in heaven!
Tom --- Heaven? Mabel, I'm a buck rabbit in Hertfordshire!
2517GEORGE
- 19 Feb 2015 13:38
- 358 of 426
I guess there's many variations EL
The same couple prior to Tom's death.
One morning Tom got out of bed and went downstairs to find Mabel at the kitchen table, the table was in a terrible state. What's up Mabel? Nothing I'm just doing this 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a cockerel. That's not a jigsaw puzzle, that's a packet of cornflakes said Tom.
2517
The same couple prior to Tom's death.
One morning Tom got out of bed and went downstairs to find Mabel at the kitchen table, the table was in a terrible state. What's up Mabel? Nothing I'm just doing this 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a cockerel. That's not a jigsaw puzzle, that's a packet of cornflakes said Tom.
2517
greekman
- 19 Feb 2015 16:16
- 359 of 426
ExecLine,
Substitute sand for grass and the same thing used to happen on a 18/30 holiday in Benidorm.
Substitute sand for grass and the same thing used to happen on a 18/30 holiday in Benidorm.
hangon - 19 Feb 2015 16:54 - 360 of 426
That Politician and Tragedy joke variation was posted here 2004, when the Politician was Geo Bush.
greekman
- 20 Feb 2015 07:30
- 361 of 426
Don't forget to be as accurate as possible on your tax returns, apparently they are now cracking down. HMRC are now strict as to what they will and will not accept on tax returns. It appears I answered 1 question incorrectly.
Q - "Do you have anyone dependent upon you?"
R - "2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole European Commission."
HMRC stated that the response I gave was unacceptable.
I replied, "Who did I miss out?"
Q - "Do you have anyone dependent upon you?"
R - "2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole European Commission."
HMRC stated that the response I gave was unacceptable.
I replied, "Who did I miss out?"
niceonecyril - 22 Feb 2015 22:13 - 362 of 426
3 beautiful young ladies(a redhead,brunette and blonde)were sailing on a millionaires yacht,when a sudden squall overturned it.They managed to scramble into a life raft
and they were swept away,ending on a isolated desert island.
It was paradise,wall to wall sunshine,seas crystal clear,all the fresh water and food needed.They were content with their lot,while awaiting rescue.
Taking a morning stroll along the beach,when an large wave deposited a lantern,The redhead picked it up and began to rub it,when out comes a genie(surprise),who was rather shaken up,he thanked them for releasing him from his ordeal,which had lasted over 100years taking him around the globe many times,experiencing all the worse forms of weather.
To thank you i will grant you each a wish.
The redhead was first and said said how happy she was with a beach life and wanted a beach pad in California with lots of money, AWAY. The brunette as asked for similar but as a city girl a place in New York,AWAY.
Now the blonde is left,she looks around and gets confused,i feel so lonely.
I WISH I HAD NY FRIENDS BACK.
and they were swept away,ending on a isolated desert island.
It was paradise,wall to wall sunshine,seas crystal clear,all the fresh water and food needed.They were content with their lot,while awaiting rescue.
Taking a morning stroll along the beach,when an large wave deposited a lantern,The redhead picked it up and began to rub it,when out comes a genie(surprise),who was rather shaken up,he thanked them for releasing him from his ordeal,which had lasted over 100years taking him around the globe many times,experiencing all the worse forms of weather.
To thank you i will grant you each a wish.
The redhead was first and said said how happy she was with a beach life and wanted a beach pad in California with lots of money, AWAY. The brunette as asked for similar but as a city girl a place in New York,AWAY.
Now the blonde is left,she looks around and gets confused,i feel so lonely.
I WISH I HAD NY FRIENDS BACK.
HARRYCAT
- 02 Mar 2015 15:11
- 363 of 426
RTA in the USA:
"Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
"Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
HARRYCAT
- 02 Mar 2015 15:17
- 364 of 426
A drunk man who smelled of booze, sat down on a subway bench seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes Arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes Arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
niceonecyril - 02 Apr 2015 08:39 - 365 of 426
> After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
>
> 'We must know that you willvfollow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'
>
> The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
>
> The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said,
'I had to kill him with the chair!'
>
>
>
> 'We must know that you willvfollow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'
>
> The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
>
> The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said,
'I had to kill him with the chair!'
>
>
skinny
- 09 Apr 2015 11:44
- 366 of 426
kimoldfield
- 09 Apr 2015 12:49
- 367 of 426
Lol! So true skinny!
kimoldfield
- 09 Apr 2015 23:46
- 368 of 426
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"*
Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
kimoldfield
- 14 Apr 2015 10:50
- 369 of 426
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes", he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes", he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?", she asked.
"I can if I take two.", he said.
midknight
- 14 Apr 2015 11:00
- 370 of 426
Blimey, Kim Old Boy!
kimoldfield
- 14 Apr 2015 11:20
- 371 of 426
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without alcohol,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably .........
The Family Dog!
If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without alcohol,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably .........
The Family Dog!
midknight
- 26 May 2015 11:55
- 372 of 426
The Day P Nis asked for a Raise
>
I hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
> I do physical labor.
> I work at great depths.
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> I work in a damp environment.
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> I work in high temperatures.
> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Nis
The Response:
Dear P Nis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
he following reasons:
> You do not work 8 hours straight.
> You fall asleep after brief work periods..
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
> You will retire well before you are 65.
> You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task.
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
>
I hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
> I do physical labor.
> I work at great depths.
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> I work in a damp environment.
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> I work in high temperatures.
> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Nis
The Response:
Dear P Nis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
he following reasons:
> You do not work 8 hours straight.
> You fall asleep after brief work periods..
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
> You will retire well before you are 65.
> You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task.
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
patshere - 03 Jun 2015 15:05 - 373 of 426
If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always ignore aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without alcohol,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably .........
......INNER PRISON !
if you can always ignore aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without alcohol,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably .........
......INNER PRISON !
HARRYCAT
- 30 Jun 2015 21:48
- 374 of 426
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister, unable to resist the urge to do a little shopping herself, bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly was handed the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister, unable to resist the urge to do a little shopping herself, bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly was handed the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Hiram Abif - 13 Jul 2015 16:12 - 375 of 426
An Easy Explanation of the crisis In Italy & Greece
A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he
could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge
over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by
building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this
house could be built".
Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was
marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he
could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge
over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by
building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this
house could be built".
Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was
marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
skinny
- 13 Jul 2015 16:19
- 376 of 426
Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
skinny
- 24 Jul 2015 10:44
- 377 of 426
ExecLine
- 29 Jul 2015 20:02
- 378 of 426
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly: “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly: “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
ExecLine
- 29 Jul 2015 20:17
- 379 of 426
A man and a woman are fooling around, when suddenly they hear the front door slam.
"Its my husband! Erm. Err. Yes! Hide in the en-suite!"
The man runs in just as the husband enters.
"Love, why are you naked?"
She replies, "Why darling, I'm naked for you dear."
Feeling happy, the man walks into the bathroom, only to now see a naked man before him.
"Who the fcuk are you?"
"I'm the, the, the moth exterminator," the naked man replies.
"And why are you naked?" the angry husband asks.
The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock and then shouts "Oooh! The little bastards!"
"Its my husband! Erm. Err. Yes! Hide in the en-suite!"
The man runs in just as the husband enters.
"Love, why are you naked?"
She replies, "Why darling, I'm naked for you dear."
Feeling happy, the man walks into the bathroom, only to now see a naked man before him.
"Who the fcuk are you?"
"I'm the, the, the moth exterminator," the naked man replies.
"And why are you naked?" the angry husband asks.
The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock and then shouts "Oooh! The little bastards!"
ExecLine
- 29 Jul 2015 20:24
- 380 of 426
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
ExecLine
- 29 Jul 2015 20:30
- 381 of 426
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
skinny
- 21 Aug 2015 08:36
- 382 of 426
jimward9
- 29 Sep 2015 16:32
- 383 of 426
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxNpDuLAHyQ
skinny
- 14 Oct 2015 11:51
- 384 of 426
A man walks into bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets
him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'
The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then
another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!
The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
kimoldfield
- 14 Oct 2015 12:58
- 385 of 426
:o)
ExecLine
- 14 Oct 2015 13:24
- 386 of 426
A few from The 2015 Edinburgh Festival:
Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan
Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Matt Winning
Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry. Juliet Meyers
Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. Jo Brand
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. Yianni
How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! Chris Dugdale
I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher. Harriet Kemsley
My mate and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates from. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along. Richard Gadd
My father grew up in this really racist part of Bradford, called Bradford. Unknown
My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. Kelly Kingham
They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. Jeff Green
My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx
My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza
Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis
If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith
Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan
Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh
I was going to scatter my father’s ashes but he was a big cricket fan so I thought I’d retain them. Alfie Moore
You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. Lou Sanders
I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. Tez Ilyas
I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine. Bridget Christie
After my grandfather’s funeral, I scattered his remains over the garden, which was horrible because he hadn’t been cremated. Thünderbards
My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion. Jo Brand
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. Chris Turner
Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan
Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Matt Winning
Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry. Juliet Meyers
Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. Jo Brand
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. Yianni
How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! Chris Dugdale
I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher. Harriet Kemsley
My mate and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates from. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along. Richard Gadd
My father grew up in this really racist part of Bradford, called Bradford. Unknown
My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. Kelly Kingham
They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. Jeff Green
My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx
My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza
Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis
If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith
Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan
Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh
I was going to scatter my father’s ashes but he was a big cricket fan so I thought I’d retain them. Alfie Moore
You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. Lou Sanders
I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. Tez Ilyas
I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine. Bridget Christie
After my grandfather’s funeral, I scattered his remains over the garden, which was horrible because he hadn’t been cremated. Thünderbards
My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion. Jo Brand
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. Chris Turner
skinny
- 14 Oct 2015 14:12
- 387 of 426
jimmy b
- 15 Oct 2015 08:42
- 388 of 426
I always like some of those from the Edinburgh festival .
ExecLine
- 15 Oct 2015 09:28
- 389 of 426
When the first London Underground Station was opened, well, my aunt asked me, "What was the point of it? Where would anyone go?"
My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely that same time too.
It fell on her.
There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My aunt used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
Which reminds me: What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely that same time too.
It fell on her.
There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My aunt used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
Which reminds me: What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
ExecLine
- 19 Oct 2015 00:00
- 390 of 426
kernow
- 19 Oct 2015 14:45
- 391 of 426
My mate Gav died last week after overdosing on heartburn medication.
I can't believe Gaviscon.
I can't believe Gaviscon.
kimoldfield
- 08 Mar 2016 11:26
- 392 of 426
A cowboy rides into town, ties up his horse outside the saloon, walks in and orders a shot of whiskey. He downs it and walks out. He notices that his horse has gone so he goes back into the saloon, orders another whiskey and says "If my horse isn't returned by the time I've finished another drink the same thing will happen here as happened in Dodge City. Now, give me another shot of whiskey." He downs his drink and walks slowly out of the saloon; his horse is tied up at the rail again. Just as he is mounting to ride off, the barman come outside and asks "What did happen in Dodge City?" The cowboy replies "I had to walk home."
greekman
- 08 Mar 2016 13:38
- 393 of 426
The New Politically Correct Royal Navy
The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.
Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.
But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.
It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".
So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."
His final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”
The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.
Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.
But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.
It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".
So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."
His final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”
kimoldfield
- 08 Mar 2016 13:45
- 394 of 426
Lol!
jimmy b
- 08 Mar 2016 13:51
- 395 of 426
I thought that was a true story until i saw you laugh Kim.
kimoldfield
- 08 Mar 2016 15:30
- 396 of 426
:o) I know what you mean, it could well be!
kimoldfield
- 08 Mar 2016 15:40
- 397 of 426
An older woman was doing her exercises in front of the mirror, admiring her figure.
"What are you looking at?" asked her husband.
"I'll have you know that my aerobics instructor says I have the chest of a 23 year old woman." she replied.
"Yeah?!" said her husband. "Well did he say anything about your 75 year old arse?"
"Why no dear," she said "we never talk about you."
"What are you looking at?" asked her husband.
"I'll have you know that my aerobics instructor says I have the chest of a 23 year old woman." she replied.
"Yeah?!" said her husband. "Well did he say anything about your 75 year old arse?"
"Why no dear," she said "we never talk about you."
kimoldfield
- 08 Mar 2016 15:54
- 398 of 426
An old man turned up at the offices of a large company one afternoon. "Hello I'm Ben Turner's uncle; I've come to ask if he can have the rest of the afternoon off so I can take him to the big match."
"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "we already gave him the afternoon off to attend your funeral."
"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "we already gave him the afternoon off to attend your funeral."
Chris Carson
- 08 Mar 2016 16:02
- 399 of 426
As part of the ongoing "Everton In The Community Scheme"
Roberto Martinez took his team to the local dogs home and asked if they could walk the dogs.
The warden replied:=
"Your having a laugh! No way would we trust you shower with a lead"
Roberto Martinez took his team to the local dogs home and asked if they could walk the dogs.
The warden replied:=
"Your having a laugh! No way would we trust you shower with a lead"
djalan
- 03 Feb 2017 16:44
- 400 of 426
kimoldfield
- 24 Mar 2017 01:35
- 401 of 426
A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
skinny
- 24 Mar 2017 06:57
- 402 of 426
:-)
ExecLine
- 25 Mar 2017 17:50
- 403 of 426
djalan
- 25 Mar 2017 22:20
- 404 of 426
Chortle !!
djalan
- 25 Mar 2017 22:24
- 405 of 426
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, place one potato in each bag
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, place one potato in each bag
Fred1new
- 26 Mar 2017 11:13
- 406 of 426
I can imagine Manuel doing the above.
8-)
8-)
skinny
- 22 Aug 2018 08:56
- 407 of 426
Stan
- 04 Dec 2018 12:49
- 408 of 426
kimoldfield
- 04 Dec 2018 16:09
- 409 of 426
Lol! I'm all for prioritisation!
skinny
- 11 Dec 2018 10:28
- 410 of 426
2517GEORGE
- 19 Dec 2018 15:44
- 411 of 426
The couple above also had this chat.
Him: When I die I'm going to leave everything to you.
Her: You already do you lazy sod.
Him: When I die I'm going to leave everything to you.
Her: You already do you lazy sod.
kimoldfield
- 20 Dec 2018 07:38
- 412 of 426
🤣
robinhood - 21 Dec 2018 15:46 - 413 of 426
Stewardess on long distance flight asks passenger: "would you like dinner sir?" upon which passenger replied: "are there any options?" Stewardess responded: "there are indeed sir-YES OR NO.
robinhood - 24 Dec 2018 17:01 - 414 of 426
a creep calls randomly a woman and says in a lewd voice: "I reckon you go a tight bum"
Woman says :" indeed I have , he is in the living room watching the cricket..who can I say is calling?"
Woman says :" indeed I have , he is in the living room watching the cricket..who can I say is calling?"
Stan
- 28 Dec 2018 16:07
- 415 of 426
robinhood - 31 Dec 2018 14:45 - 416 of 426
re skinny's 410...
Husband: "think the 2 for 1 pair of dentures should have come with instructions"
Wife: "why ?"
Husband: "reckon of we swap bottom dentures to top and vice versa we actually may look like a happily married couple.."
Husband: "think the 2 for 1 pair of dentures should have come with instructions"
Wife: "why ?"
Husband: "reckon of we swap bottom dentures to top and vice versa we actually may look like a happily married couple.."
2517GEORGE
- 23 Jan 2019 12:43
- 417 of 426
Request
Anyone selling a hoover, mine is broke and I have a baby.
Reply
You're better off using wet wipes, a hoover won't shift the sticky bits and tends to make them cry.
Anyone selling a hoover, mine is broke and I have a baby.
Reply
You're better off using wet wipes, a hoover won't shift the sticky bits and tends to make them cry.
robinhood - 23 Jan 2019 14:48 - 418 of 426
...works on me!!! I have not bought a hoover 25 years now!! (just the occasional hair dryer..)
2517GEORGE
- 25 Jan 2019 16:27
- 419 of 426
The old couple above
Her: You never tell me you love me
Him: I told you once, if anything changes I'll let you know
Her: You never tell me you love me
Him: I told you once, if anything changes I'll let you know
robinhood - 27 Jan 2019 17:24 - 420 of 426
Interesting marketing ploy of lingerie manufacturers: Memorable lines of pop songs are being printed on both sides of ladies underwear and supposedly are very successful.
Marketing manager still unsure about : "I would do anything for love" on front and "but I won't do that" on back...
Marketing manager still unsure about : "I would do anything for love" on front and "but I won't do that" on back...
squidd - 30 Jan 2019 10:02 - 421 of 426
I call my dog Gunot, 'cos he often barks.
s£d
Stan
- 04 Feb 2019 22:47
- 422 of 426
Q. Why did Paddy's dog have a flat nose?
A. Chasing parked cars.
A. Chasing parked cars.
Stan
- 05 Feb 2019 08:55
- 423 of 426
Paddy & Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole.
A builder walks past & they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple fellas, watch this.” He unbolts it, lies it flat & measures it.
Paddy says to Mick, “Thick sod! We want to know the height not the feckin length!”
A builder walks past & they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple fellas, watch this.” He unbolts it, lies it flat & measures it.
Paddy says to Mick, “Thick sod! We want to know the height not the feckin length!”
Claret Dragon
- 05 Feb 2019 09:14
- 424 of 426
Paddy says to Murphy.
"If you can guess how many potatoes I have in this bag you can have both of them"!!
Oh Paddy thats a tough one. Is it 6?
Unlucky Murphy. You are only 5 out, its 4!!!!
"If you can guess how many potatoes I have in this bag you can have both of them"!!
Oh Paddy thats a tough one. Is it 6?
Unlucky Murphy. You are only 5 out, its 4!!!!
Stan
- 12 Feb 2019 23:00
- 425 of 426
The magician on the Titanic had a parrot but every time he did a trick the parrot would ruin it, “It’s up his sleeve” or “it’s in his pocket.”
When the Titanic goes down they end up sat together on a door drifting around. After a while the parrot pipes up, “OK, you’ve got me. Where’s the ship?
When the Titanic goes down they end up sat together on a door drifting around. After a while the parrot pipes up, “OK, you’ve got me. Where’s the ship?
Stan
- 15 Feb 2019 23:08
- 426 of 426
A Group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff had big breasts and wore short skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been.
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