A couple were Christmas shopping.























The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.











She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, so she became worried and called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.











In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"











The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."











He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Beer Drinkers everywhere

A Jewish couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us having a sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medical insurance.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in a less than salubrious part of the city. It was raining and all the women of easy virtue were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.


Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......


A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets".


My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.


Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.


A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"


My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.


I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.


I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident, where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story..did you????

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed . With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:



Dear Mum & Dad,






It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend . I've found real





love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle





But it's not only that I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the country
side. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.





marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us





with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want .





In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better . He deserves it.





Don't worry about money . Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their





basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene





and an extra £100 for the donkey.





Don't worry Mum . Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can





meet your grandchildren.







Your loving daughter





Sarah



P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.





I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes!!!!!!!!!

Elton and David


They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.




"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"














The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...

CWMM thats brilliant, lol..

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors






















1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ..... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.



(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

If you think life is bad....







How would you like to be an egg?





You only get laid once.





You only get eaten once.





It takes four minutes to get hard.





Only two minutes to get soft.





You share your box with 11 other guys.





But worst of all...





The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!





So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!





Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,





I mean day!!!!!

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.



To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.



Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher.






Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.'



Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.


'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.




The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.





Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.




When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'


Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

CWMAN - Most of your jokes are hilarious or should I say appeal to my sense of humour. A little light heartedness didn't hurt anybody. Cheers.

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair




The missus bought a Paperback




down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

Why Irish eyes are full of laughter.









Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'










Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'









Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'









Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'









An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'









Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'









Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.











Life is too short for negative drama & petty things

A sexually active, middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that
She wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years,
They had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. ”I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality And that the first rose was from him:
”I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same Procedure done some time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

CWMAM - you've excelled once again

Funny! - To date it - the first time I heard it - the recipient of the ears was Niki Lauda!

On edit :- I can't say who the woman was!!

As the baby rabbit said, adventuring through the woods one day and meeting his first snake:

"Oh, I know who you are. You're Nicky Lauda, aren't you?"