Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Skinny,

Congrats for finding the first photo of the new HS2 (high speed train link).

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"







The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."








The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.








The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..






That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.











The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."









The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"




The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."





The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.







The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."







The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.







The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"





The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.





Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.







The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...








...silver, topaz, and amethyst.








Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."












The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

















... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

It was probable a Monk using a angle grinder to make another door

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!

T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/funeral-procession-comedian-frank-carson-020556316.html

An estimate by the UK Home Office placed the value of the illicit drug market at between £4billion and £6billion a year, while the cost to the taxpayer of dealing with drug use is substantially more.

When taking into account crime, social security and bringing drugs offenders to justice, the figure rises to over £10billion.

This is grist to the mill for those arguing the only answer is decriminalisation.

Research by the charity Drugscope found that around one in six people have used illicit drugs in their lifetime.

Furthermore, they estimate 13.9% of those aged 16 to 59 have used a Class A drug at least once in their lifetime, 3.4% used at least one Class A drug last year and 1.6% in the last month.

A,

Are you taking illicit drugs or just the usual medication ?

[:-)

Hackers had 'full functional control' of Nasa computers

Hackers gained "full functional control" of key Nasa computers in 2011, the agency's inspector general has told US lawmakers.

Paul K Martin said hackers took over Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) computers and "compromised the accounts of the most privileged JPL users".

About time.

Has Britain fallen out of love with lager?

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/lord-ashcrofts-bank-rocked-by-downturn-7536468.html

Anybody who recalls Gladstone Pacific Nickel may like to know that RAB Lost their court battle with Clive Palmer and now will hand over their shares at .05 cents per share in lieu of costs. I well remember him being welcomed with open arms which was akin to getting into bed with a cobra.Only the skull and cross bones are missing.

Judge says to Mickey Mouse
'I can't give you a divorce because Minnie Mouse has protruding teeth'
Mickey says
'I didn't say she had protruding teeth, I said she was f-----g Goofy.'
2517

Syrians fleeing Homs accuse troops of atrocities

People fleeing the central Syrian city of Homs have told the BBC that security forces are committing atrocities there.

One woman told the BBC's Paul Wood on the outskirts of Homs that soldiers had slit the throat of her 12-year-old son on Friday - a day after rebel fighters withdrew from the Baba Amr district.

She said 35 other men and boys from her area had also been detained and killed.

http://www.youtube.com/versusdebates?gl=GB&user=versusdebates

"Has Britain fallen out of love with lager?"

Oh gawd I do hope not, you know what happens when the youngsters start buying things in quantities.. up go the prices and RA is dear enough -):

the USA is a third rate country the way they have dealt with a man of 65 from the uk is a disgrace americans are full of shit . when are they going hang bush for war crimes and blair

Has anybody ever dwelled on how pathetic this all is? We sit at our little screens banging on about things we have no power over in an effort to boost our inflated ego's. When not doing this we try to outwit the markets by gathering every crumb of news and analysing it every which way in order to steal a march on our fellow punters. I for one am tired of all this crap, maybe its time I retired.

Just heard on the BBC that the government is considering a 'Minister for happiness' (honest I'm not kidding).

Perhaps they should see if John Cleese is available. After all he was minister for 'silly walks'.
Whilst I appreciate that mental health is a serious problem, do we need yet another money draining ministerial position.

TANKER

I agree with you 100% , its a disgrace at the way the US have treated him , and its a disgrace that the UK Government keeps saying its a fair agreement and not one-sided .

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17266000

Cant imagine them appointing a woman