One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story..did you????

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed . With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:



Dear Mum & Dad,






It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend . I've found real





love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle





But it's not only that I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the country
side. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.





marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us





with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want .





In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better . He deserves it.





Don't worry about money . Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their





basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene





and an extra £100 for the donkey.





Don't worry Mum . Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can





meet your grandchildren.







Your loving daughter





Sarah



P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.





I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes!!!!!!!!!

Elton and David


They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.




"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"














The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...

CWMM thats brilliant, lol..

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors






















1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ..... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.



(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

If you think life is bad....







How would you like to be an egg?





You only get laid once.





You only get eaten once.





It takes four minutes to get hard.





Only two minutes to get soft.





You share your box with 11 other guys.





But worst of all...





The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!





So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!





Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,





I mean day!!!!!

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.



To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.



Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher.






Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.'



Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.


'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.




The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.





Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.




When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'


Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

CWMAN - Most of your jokes are hilarious or should I say appeal to my sense of humour. A little light heartedness didn't hurt anybody. Cheers.

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair




The missus bought a Paperback




down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

Why Irish eyes are full of laughter.









Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'










Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'









Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'









Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'









An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'









Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'









Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.











Life is too short for negative drama & petty things

A sexually active, middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that
She wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years,
They had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. ”I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality And that the first rose was from him:
”I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same Procedure done some time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

CWMAM - you've excelled once again

Funny! - To date it - the first time I heard it - the recipient of the ears was Niki Lauda!

On edit :- I can't say who the woman was!!

As the baby rabbit said, adventuring through the woods one day and meeting his first snake:

"Oh, I know who you are. You're Nicky Lauda, aren't you?"

Teacher is doing a bit of job counselling and decides to ask the kids in her 3rd grade class what they would like to do when they become adults and venture out into the big wide world.

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f*ck that, -- I want to be Johnny's bitch!"

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.


The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.


Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.


A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.


The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.


If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women -- will be finished reading this by now.


Men -- are still busy checking their thumbs.

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that.. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , FL " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,”How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied: "How did you know my name was Katz?

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD



1) You can't count your hair.




2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.




3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.




Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.







Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.





2) You are human.





3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.





4) You just attempted to do it.





6) You are laughing at yourself.





7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.





8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.





9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.





10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.




You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

New Store Opened At Southampton's Westquay Centre
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Southampton , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
__________________
It's Better To Have Had Memories Than Dreams.