Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Copied from another thread:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16K6m3Ua2nw

If the words were modified a little similar could said about closer to home.

Fred may be able to read but he can't think in any sensible way, just click on his name and then click on the 'squelch' button. You know it makes sense!

PUN-OGRAPHY



You will have a lot of pun with these even if you have seen half of them before!



I changed my I Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

TIM,

Can't say that I will miss his charm.

It looks like the current government is doing all the right things!

Standard and Poor's says UK to keep AAA rating

The UK will keep its top AAA credit rating, the Standard & Poor's (S&P) agency has said.

It expects the British economy to pick up in the second half of this year, despite a slip into recession earlier in 2012.

That rating reflects a stable outlook and S&P said it expected the government would keep budgets tight.

Chancellor George Osborne said it was a reminder the world had confidence that Britain was dealing with its debt.

S&P has now said in a statement: "In our view, monetary flexibility remains a key credit strength owing to the British pound sterling's role as a global reserve currency.

"The stable outlook reflects our expectation that the UK government will implement the bulk of its fiscal consolidation programme and that the economy should recover in the remainder of 2012 and strengthen thereafter."

The agency said it believed the British economy's "capacity to absorb shocks" had improved, with an increase in household savings and large corporations' cash holdings.

Responding to the news, Mr Osborne said: "On the day Britain welcomes the world to our country for the Olympic games, this is a reminder that despite the economic problems we face, the world has confidence that we are dealing with them.

"The deficit has fallen by a quarter; inflation has fallen by half; employment is rising, with British businesses creating over 800,000 new jobs; and the economy is rebalancing, with Britain now exporting more to the rest of the world than Europe.

"And as S&P themselves say, what would damage Britain's creditworthiness would be relaxing our resolve to deal with our debts. We won't do that."

Hays,

I am surprise that they are keeping AAA rating.

If they keep it after the last 2 quarters of this year I will be even more surprised.

But have a look are GPDs of Europe in comparison with the UK's.

The only countries seemingly worse off than ours are those going for "austerity" for the "masses" in order to protect the few.


Edited for Shucks

No doubt you can explain the correlation between the AAA rating of a country and its GPS, by which I'm guessing you meant GDP?

Just own up Fred the cons are not doing a bad job. Under labour we would be a junk rating by now, like many of the other european countries. Through over spending by the labour party. :-))

Labour is either the 'tax and spend' party or when the spring dries up they are the 'borrow and spend' party. Both are a disaster.

A better style is the 'spend what you can afford' party or the 'cut back and pay your debts if you are broke' party.

Agree H. Fred - bla, bla,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Dont agree before you even comment.

A man who had just bought a new Mercedes turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he stamped back into the garage and yelled "When I buy a £50,000 car I expect the damn radio to work."

The salesman explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing.
"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning.
"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he was in a supermarket.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a car cuts him up. He controls his temper but before he knows it another driver cuts him up.

"Useless stupid cu*nts!" he screamed.
The radio comes on ... ".. now follows a party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party..."

There was a young man named Gordon who bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day he says, "I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he's dead!"

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".

"I can't do that" replied the farmer, "I went out and spent it already."

Gordon said "Ok just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked "What are you gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'll raffle him off" said Gordon.

The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon with a big smile on his face said, "Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened to the dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2.00 each and made a huge profit."

Totally amazed the farmer asked "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2.00 back plus £200.00 extra which is double the going value of a dead donkey so he thought I was a great guy."

Wait for it

Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

And that's politics!!!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Most people are giving about a gallon."

Good old Prescott!

Reminds me of the tale of the John Prescott whose car has crashed into a lamp-post. A helpful passer-by calls the ambulance, and goes over to

talk to the poor Deputy Labour Leader trapped behind the steering wheel.

"Where are you bleeding from?" He asks. "I'm from bleeding Hull, ain't I

The first time i heard that joke it was a Essex girl in the car and he said " were yer bleeding from love " and she said " Romford , were are you from "

If you think Slasher Osborne and Wavy Davy and their crazy economics U-turn policies are going to improve the UK economy situation of the UK, you are mistaken.

Cuckoos comes to mind.

I saw better qualified spivs pushing wheel barrows in Oxford Street as a kid than the pair hays and some of you seem to be is supporting.

I suppose it is the PR which attracts.

As Oakeshott inferred, they both appear to be on "work experience" and learning nothing.

I am just wondering whether "friends" of the rating agencies have short term "longs" and waiting to dump them back on the market.


The way to dig the UK economy out of the deeper hole they are digging is not by increasing it "borrowing" as Osborne is doing, but increasing GDP to cover those debts initially and then repay debt.

What Slasher is attempting to do for political reasons, is to cover up a failing policy which will later need a more obvious devaluation of sterling to get him out of his hole.

In normal times would you buy a company whose policies are to cut output, without any real plans on how they can provide later for expansion.

Squeezing "wages" or and seeing wages simply as "costs", will not work in the way that some expect.

I think some of the tory leadership and some of their supporters are naive and their thinking suggest that they believe themselves to be living in the past.

===========

Have a look at past and present austerity programmes on the economies of other countries during periods of recession.

Also, have a close look at QE, devaluation, fiscal stimulus etc, . They are just simply different points on a circle of a developing economy.

============

Cameron and Slasher are like blind men walking without their dogs.

Fred1new. Your grasp of economics is quite amazing in its child like simplicity and total misunderstanding of the principles involved, but at least you provide entertainment for those who giggle at stupidity. Personally, I don't find it funny, merely pathetic and sad, I don't really understand why you feel you must prove that stupidity day after day.

I'm sure Moody's will downgrade the UK's AAA rating if the GDP continues to remain in negative territory, yeah right. Very funny.

Tell me, why do you find it so necessary to invent puerile nick names for those you dislike (and in one case, just downright nasty)? Does it make you feel superior, better or is it a response to a lifetime of self failure?

Well said chuckles. Also I note Fred that you keep stating what DC/ government are
doing wrong. Lets have your views how you would run the country. The Labour party are the same as you, keep picking up on the government and not having any real tested answers themselves.

Oh Shucks,

Actually, quite a few people thought I was reasonably successful at many things. Sometimes I couldn't understand why.

---------------

Dreams.

Suggest you read Fiscal Stimulus, Fiscal inflation or Fiscal Fallacies by J Cochrane.
May support your political leaning.

Should take about 20mins, but it has its own fallacies,

Also, the Wavy Davy and Slasher are thought by many to be in "charge" of the country and should be showing good governance. Many in the coalition and their own party don't think they are doing so.


=========

As far as what I would do, read back.

Also, remember the advice "if you are doing something and its not working, try something different".
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