Reminds me of a date I had with a girlfiend (I was drunk at the time), mind you that dog had better table manners.

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
> She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy callinghimself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
>
> "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
>
> Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad, and I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
> everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
>
>
>
> He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

















As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.”

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.”







He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.






“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club

Very good.

The Art Of Conversing With Spouse





With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband


"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"





"No" said her husband.





She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three


buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her


cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled


out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.





He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and


smiled approvingly.





She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all


crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone


in his voice.





She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her


skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties


and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.





He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started


breathing a little quicker with anticipation.





"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars


all crumpled up?"





"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and


excited to which she replied:





"Go look in the garage."

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.





Nominated as the world's best short joke....

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.


*****************************************************************************

Mmmmmmm!!!very good.

Watch Jumpy the dog

Briliant Skinny

You have to hand it to them!
















































































Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove....









A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...









Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....









Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him









I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69









Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."




Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."









After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.









No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!way

Involuntary Muscle Contraction































































Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.


This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.’

VERN'S FUNERAL


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.




His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.




Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'






VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

Glaswegians Wedding

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.

What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

LOL !!

Great to read some humour one needs a laugh - keep them coming.

PENSION SEX






Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'



LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is..'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'



QUIET SEX


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




SEX & ARGUMENTS


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'











WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight..'

He was right.. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.




ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'

Another old joke........................





Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:



What is your name?



Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!



Passenger: Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?



Hostess: "Yes Sir, Same price

Are you as good at making money on the stock market as you are in telling jokes? - you come out with some classics, long may the jokes continue.

Yes i do ok

need an ark?....

I noah guy