Very good.

The Art Of Conversing With Spouse





With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband


"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"





"No" said her husband.





She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three


buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her


cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled


out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.





He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and


smiled approvingly.





She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all


crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone


in his voice.





She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her


skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties


and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.





He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started


breathing a little quicker with anticipation.





"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars


all crumpled up?"





"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and


excited to which she replied:





"Go look in the garage."

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.





Nominated as the world's best short joke....

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.


*****************************************************************************

Mmmmmmm!!!very good.

Watch Jumpy the dog

Briliant Skinny

You have to hand it to them!
















































































Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove....









A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...









Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....









Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him









I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69









Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."




Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."









After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.









No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!way

Involuntary Muscle Contraction































































Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.


This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.’

VERN'S FUNERAL


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.




His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.




Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'






VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

Glaswegians Wedding

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.

What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

LOL !!

Great to read some humour one needs a laugh - keep them coming.

PENSION SEX






Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'



LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is..'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'



QUIET SEX


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




SEX & ARGUMENTS


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'











WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight..'

He was right.. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.




ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'

Another old joke........................





Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:



What is your name?



Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!



Passenger: Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?



Hostess: "Yes Sir, Same price

Are you as good at making money on the stock market as you are in telling jokes? - you come out with some classics, long may the jokes continue.

Yes i do ok

need an ark?....

I noah guy

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts" he thought.Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in at the Bounty hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet. At the same time he gave her a GobStopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.

BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard:He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:Japan.
Chris Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Daryl Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:Blimey?
Phil Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:(Silence)
Phil Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.

Skinny, you're going back a long way now quoting
Bamber G, your starter for ten! I was a kid then.