need an ark?....

I noah guy

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts" he thought.Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in at the Bounty hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet. At the same time he gave her a GobStopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.

BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard:He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:Japan.
Chris Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Daryl Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:Blimey?
Phil Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:(Silence)
Phil Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.

Skinny, you're going back a long way now quoting
Bamber G, your starter for ten! I was a kid then.

I think there are probably a few on here that grew up watching him.

Notable contestants

I'm not sure who the Wizard of New Zealand is!

Scottish Independence Map

That's an AOL mail attachment. You cannot post it here. It needs to be a located on a web site.

Done!

Had a go at the new game last night Paraolympian cluedo

Not very good..

Keep getting the same answer..

The Sprinter


In the Bathroom.


With The Gun..

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*!g idiot '

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Ain't that the truth!

'fraid so!! :o)

That shows why it's best to never listen.

My wife said something that shocked me last week, no she did not admit to an affair, no she had not spent all my money, or admitted to a love child, in she actually said 'sorry'.

The shock was, its the first time she has ever said that word to me, after 34 years of marriage.

She must have got you mixed up with her lover!

Or spent all your pension!!

She never finished the sentence! What was she sorry or? It was meant as a torture while you work it out.

Must say the comments to my post made me smile his snow covered morning.

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is
near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the
New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away,
she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"

Anna lost her husband some four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..


Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'


Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as did he.

There she stood naked, except for a pair of black lacy panties;


he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"




The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.



His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.







The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"







"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"







"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f*****, you might as well gan fishing