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Bernard M - 24 May 2011 10:34
Fancy dress joke
A guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the vampire section. The girl behind the counter says, "Maybe you should try the West Ham United football shop across the street". Guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count".
Deal or No Deal
A guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the vampire section. The girl behind the counter says, "Maybe you should try the West Ham United football shop across the street". Guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count".
Deal or No Deal
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 07:53 - 20 of 60
Have you heard the news that Chelsea FC are getting a new sponsor? It is going to be Viagra, Its the only way they can get past a semi.
The Other Kevin
- 26 May 2011 08:23
- 21 of 60
Thanks Skinny and Bernard. (BTW Bernard, doesn't Premier League and League Cup count?)
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 09:08 - 22 of 60
Re: topical jokes about Liverpool FC
Following their last defeate liverpool have set up a a helpline to assist their fans through this distressing time the number is 0800 10 10 10, that number was selected as its easy for the fans to remember 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing
Following their last defeate liverpool have set up a a helpline to assist their fans through this distressing time the number is 0800 10 10 10, that number was selected as its easy for the fans to remember 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 09:09 - 23 of 60
Re: topical jokes about Liverpool FC
Scouser is walking down the high street in Croydon when he sees a video entitled "Liverpool The Glory Years" in the window display of a chairty shop.
He goes in and says to the assistant: "Eh ar kid, ow much for the 'Pool video like?"
After wiping the phlegm from his face, the assistant replies: "100."
"That's a bit steep innit la?, the lovable cheeky scamp asks, "ow come its dat dear soft lad?"
"Well," the assistant says, "it's 1 for the tape and 99 for the Betamax player."
Scouser is walking down the high street in Croydon when he sees a video entitled "Liverpool The Glory Years" in the window display of a chairty shop.
He goes in and says to the assistant: "Eh ar kid, ow much for the 'Pool video like?"
After wiping the phlegm from his face, the assistant replies: "100."
"That's a bit steep innit la?, the lovable cheeky scamp asks, "ow come its dat dear soft lad?"
"Well," the assistant says, "it's 1 for the tape and 99 for the Betamax player."
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 09:11 - 24 of 60
A Liverpool fan goes to a restaurant for the first time in his life, looks at the menu and is ready to order but has a question for the waiter. He noticed that they have caviar and wants to know what this is. The waiter replies " these are fish eggs sir" The Liverpool fan replies, OK I have two eggs but not to hard boiled please.
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 09:12 - 25 of 60
Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, Ive done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
He answers "Well Honey, Ive done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 11:56 - 26 of 60
Apparantly Ryan Giggs' wife has left him and taken half his belongings.
She now has 6 more league medals than Stephen Gerrard.
She now has 6 more league medals than Stephen Gerrard.
skinny
- 26 May 2011 16:20
- 27 of 60
A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injuntion to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney.
Bernard M - 26 May 2011 17:33 - 28 of 60
Not a joke, well not for giggsy.
Stacey Giggs leaves the house without her wedding ring, oh dear Ryan
Posted by heatworld 24 May 2011 16:58
Tags:Ryan Giggs Stacey Giggs
Stacey Giggs must be having a tough old day but we suspect that Ryans day is about to get much worse. Stacey was spotted leaving her house without her wedding ring. Oh dear.
Thats the sort of subtle signal even footballers can pick up on. Cheryl Cole did it when Ashley had been fooling around with hairdressers.
Yesterday the super injunction was finally broken so the newspapers were allowed to say what had been bouncing around the internet for months; Ryan Giggs is a very naughty boy.
Stacey Giggs leaves the house without her wedding ring, oh dear Ryan
Posted by heatworld 24 May 2011 16:58
Tags:Ryan Giggs Stacey Giggs
Stacey Giggs must be having a tough old day but we suspect that Ryans day is about to get much worse. Stacey was spotted leaving her house without her wedding ring. Oh dear.
Thats the sort of subtle signal even footballers can pick up on. Cheryl Cole did it when Ashley had been fooling around with hairdressers.
Yesterday the super injunction was finally broken so the newspapers were allowed to say what had been bouncing around the internet for months; Ryan Giggs is a very naughty boy.
ExecLine
- 26 May 2011 18:44
- 29 of 60
Bernard M - 27 May 2011 07:53 - 30 of 60
No advertising please Mr Dentist
Bernard M - 27 May 2011 07:57 - 31 of 60
Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve and hit him?
A: You don't want to damage your bike, do you?
A: You don't want to damage your bike, do you?
Bernard M - 27 May 2011 07:58 - 32 of 60
It's with great sadness that I report Celtic Park was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Strathclyde police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.
Bernard M - 27 May 2011 07:59 - 33 of 60
Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?
A: Legolas
Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.
Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria
Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.
A: Legolas
Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.
Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria
Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.
Bernard M - 27 May 2011 07:59 - 34 of 60
Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?
A: Legolas
Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.
Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria
Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.
A: Legolas
Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.
Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria
Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.
robertson12 - 27 May 2011 08:51 - 35 of 60
What do call a celtic fan on helicopter sunday with a bottle of champagne in his hand --------A WAITER.
Bernard M - 29 May 2011 11:00 - 36 of 60
Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United 1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
Bernard M - 31 May 2011 08:35 - 37 of 60
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Bernard M - 31 May 2011 08:36 - 38 of 60
Q: What do you say to a manchester united supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo.
Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of manchester united players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A man desperate at manchester united current situation decides to top himself.In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full manchester united kit as his last statement.A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.On arrival, the police quickly remove the manchester united kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd
Q: What's the difference between a manchester united fan and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.I was talking to the manchester united groundsman and commenting on how green and lush the grass was
He replied, "it should be with all the sh#t that plays on it!!"
Q: How do you kill a manchester united fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!
Q: Why do manchester united supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.
Q: What do manchester united fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a manchester united fan?
A: A Rottweiler.
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. Why do manchester united fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar
Q: What do you get when you offer a manchester united fan a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change!
Jokes For Really Crap Sides
There's a rumour that manchester united have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
An new Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year in tribute to manchester united.
It will be called "Laughing Stock".
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "manchester united are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q. What have the manchester united and a nappy got in common?
A. P*** upfront and crap at the back.
A burglary was recently committed at manchester united ground and the entirecontents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a manwith a dusty carpet.
A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the manchester united ground.
He made him go back and watch the rest of the match
Q. What's the difference between the manchester united keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Q: What have manchester united and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both useless in Europe.
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!
Q: What's the difference between manchester united and a teabag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer!!!!!
Q) What is the difference between manchester united and a lift ?
A) It doesn't take a lift nine months to go down
Q) What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and manchester united?
A) Foot & Mouth got into Europe.
Q: What is the difference between manchester united and a triangle?
A: A triangle has three points.
Someone asked me the other day, what time do manchester united kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.
A: Nice tattoo.
Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of manchester united players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A man desperate at manchester united current situation decides to top himself.In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full manchester united kit as his last statement.A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.On arrival, the police quickly remove the manchester united kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd
Q: What's the difference between a manchester united fan and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.I was talking to the manchester united groundsman and commenting on how green and lush the grass was
He replied, "it should be with all the sh#t that plays on it!!"
Q: How do you kill a manchester united fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!
Q: Why do manchester united supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.
Q: What do manchester united fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a manchester united fan?
A: A Rottweiler.
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. Why do manchester united fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar
Q: What do you get when you offer a manchester united fan a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change!
Jokes For Really Crap Sides
There's a rumour that manchester united have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
An new Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year in tribute to manchester united.
It will be called "Laughing Stock".
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "manchester united are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q. What have the manchester united and a nappy got in common?
A. P*** upfront and crap at the back.
A burglary was recently committed at manchester united ground and the entirecontents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a manwith a dusty carpet.
A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the manchester united ground.
He made him go back and watch the rest of the match
Q. What's the difference between the manchester united keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Q: What have manchester united and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both useless in Europe.
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!
Q: What's the difference between manchester united and a teabag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer!!!!!
Q) What is the difference between manchester united and a lift ?
A) It doesn't take a lift nine months to go down
Q) What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and manchester united?
A) Foot & Mouth got into Europe.
Q: What is the difference between manchester united and a triangle?
A: A triangle has three points.
Someone asked me the other day, what time do manchester united kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.
Bernard M - 31 May 2011 09:28 - 39 of 60
Liverpool fans
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