Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Isabella Rossellini

Oh bugger off the lot of you. I thought I was being the smartarse thinking of Leonardo Di Caprio and Olivia De Haviland, and you lot come up with some wierd and wonderful actors no-one has ever heard of!!!
Honestly reading the list above sounds like the anti-pasti menu at my local Italian.
Mastrantonio indeed. Can I have a flake in it?
I'm going away now to sulk and find some completely useless information to astound, amaze and make you wonder what the hell I'm doing on the outside.
Bye,
Alan

Right, found some.
In 1975 Joseph Figlock was passing an apartment block in Detroit, and was knocked unconcious when a baby that had fallen from the 14th floor landed on his head. Both survived the accident.
One year later the same thing happened again! And once again, both survived!!
I thought I was unlucky.
Alan

Baby must've been a bit heavier second time around. Good shot though.
And yep, poor sod with a name like Figlock.

And how can you not remember Blue Velvet.

I'm amazed the baby was Ok considering it was dropped on his head
Loadsa

dennis hopper..... scary man.

Okay, another bit of trivial coincidence and eductional insight for you lot.
In 1861, Wilmer McLean was a farmer in Virginia. The Rebel army marched onto his land Where the Loyalists were trying to block their way. This led to the Battle of Bull Run and started the American Civil War.
13 months later, the same thing happened (The second Battle of Bull Run) and this time the farm land was destroyed. McLean was fed up and packed his wagons and moved 200 miles from the war.
3 years later 2 men confronted each other in Wilmer McLeans parlour where, across his best table they argued over a legal document. McLeans new home was in a village called Appotomax Court House. The two men arguing over, and eventually signing the document were Ulysses S Grant and General Robert E Lee. The document was the end of the American civil war.

Somebody throw Alan a hobnob.

Bored again!!!

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her Husband said. I was just in the bathroom powdering my "old man" with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

___________________________________________________

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f**king wall!""

___________________________________________________

Alittle girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santas lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

___________________________________________________

Secretsto a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks andcleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

MOST important....
4. These three women must NEVER meet

___________________________________________________

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, sex and money. So agree the price before you start.

___________________________________________________

Abloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?" Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly Fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

___________________________________________________

Followinga night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. Whats that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work? asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

Prefer your stories to mine, Baza!!
Alan

Bet you have heard this one before Baza.

Do you have a brother called Mike?


Hilarious what!

Nam

(no jokes- sense of humour graft still intact)

Were you the doner????

As in Kebab?

Nam

Don't mind if I do. Chilli but no salad for me, please and extra large if they do them.
Alan

No - but my grandfather was called Isaac !!!

Baza

And heres Bazas grandads house.

Alan - thats not very nice - my grandads had alloy wheels

Baza

Never was there a truer word spoken in jest

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"



The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.





THE END

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

9. LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has $ex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

10. GLASS CEILING (glass see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

11. BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

12. TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.