A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*!g idiot '

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Ain't that the truth!

'fraid so!! :o)

That shows why it's best to never listen.

My wife said something that shocked me last week, no she did not admit to an affair, no she had not spent all my money, or admitted to a love child, in she actually said 'sorry'.

The shock was, its the first time she has ever said that word to me, after 34 years of marriage.

She must have got you mixed up with her lover!

Or spent all your pension!!

She never finished the sentence! What was she sorry or? It was meant as a torture while you work it out.

Must say the comments to my post made me smile his snow covered morning.

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is
near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the
New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away,
she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"

Anna lost her husband some four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..


Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'


Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as did he.

There she stood naked, except for a pair of black lacy panties;


he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"




The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.



His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.







The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"







"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"







"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f*****, you might as well gan fishing

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
>>> Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
>>>
>>> Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
>>> Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.
>>>
>>> Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
>>> responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
>>>
>>> Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say he’s a
>>> front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
>>>
>>> Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
>>> Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
>>>
>>> New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
>>> creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
>>>
>>> Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one
>>> is like taking a shot in the dark.
>>>
>>> Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
>>>
>>> Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!
>>>
>>> New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
>>> acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
>>>
>>> She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the “ silence of
>>> the limbs. “
>>>
>>> I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when
>>> he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works
>>> over there, right?
>>>
>>> When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied
>>> athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
>>>
>>> First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I
>>> think Nike should start telling their athletes” Just Don’t Do It.”
>>>
>>> Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called “/Blade
>>> Gunner/.”
>>>
>>> If Oscar is found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
>>>
>>> And finally,
>>> Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
>>
>

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlate italiano?" No response.

"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.

So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's
been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with
Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in Church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters
the Church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays
up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress
is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar having a beer.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap."

:-)

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock..'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop."You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around...."he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need."I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE..."I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having STEAK PIE!"

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=commedy%20three%20peeing&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DqqpcPEa2PV0&ei=v5bUULKdHYqK0AWdzoGwCw&usg=AFQjCNFM8mlo-gz3fg7Vfiixk_FvpgrHdg&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.d2k