Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Never was there a truer word spoken in jest

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"



The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.





THE END

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

9. LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has $ex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

10. GLASS CEILING (glass see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

11. BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

12. TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE BIRDS GONE?

You're on good form today Baza. I've cut & pasted and will send to my mates. Keep them coming.

MS

They've all got flu!

an ass to eat you dinner off

On the subject of bottoms again - well it's in there somewhere

DRINK MATHEMATICS


This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool beer math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!


1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have a drink. (try for more than once)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)


3. Add 5. (for Sunday)


4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't, add 1754 ...


6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.


You should have a three-digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have a drink a week).

The next two numbers are .......


YOUR AGE! ~ (Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )

Back to a lot of this then

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! - to ALL of the above.

Nam

just had chocolate, strawberry and vanilla ice cream. these would have been perfect

Mmm...nuts

do you like nibbling on nuts?

Doesn't everyone?

suppose so.....especially with a few beers watching the footie.

Heaven for you that is.

lol............what's heaven for you?

Oh, all of that on a little beach without the telly.

like this?

looking out of the window, seeing the grey, rainy, shitty day out there...........wishing i was on that beach, stinking of hawain tropic and sweat, feeling sun-tired, eating fresh fruit, sneakily stealing glances at glistening babes on nearby sunloungers while pretending to read some book i bought at manchester airport, thinking my girlfriend can't see where i'm looking through my wrap-around-mirrored sunglasses, looking forward to eating freshly caught fish and drinking lots of local wine later on.......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for 50.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in a 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just! too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.


He said, "F**k him... Give him a fiver",....................."The breakfast was my idea."