His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
>>> Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
>>>
>>> Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
>>> Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.
>>>
>>> Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
>>> responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
>>>
>>> Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say he’s a
>>> front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
>>>
>>> Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
>>> Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
>>>
>>> New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
>>> creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”
>>>
>>> Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one
>>> is like taking a shot in the dark.
>>>
>>> Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
>>>
>>> Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!
>>>
>>> New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
>>> acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
>>>
>>> She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the “ silence of
>>> the limbs. “
>>>
>>> I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when
>>> he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works
>>> over there, right?
>>>
>>> When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied
>>> athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
>>>
>>> First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I
>>> think Nike should start telling their athletes” Just Don’t Do It.”
>>>
>>> Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called “/Blade
>>> Gunner/.”
>>>
>>> If Oscar is found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
>>>
>>> And finally,
>>> Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
>>
>

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlate italiano?" No response.

"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.

So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's
been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with
Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in Church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters
the Church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays
up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress
is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar having a beer.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap."

:-)

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock..'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop."You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around...."he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need."I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE..."I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having STEAK PIE!"

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=commedy%20three%20peeing&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DqqpcPEa2PV0&ei=v5bUULKdHYqK0AWdzoGwCw&usg=AFQjCNFM8mlo-gz3fg7Vfiixk_FvpgrHdg&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.d2k

Good vid, Mr Kirkham, put it on a link for others:
Very funny.

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to an attractive blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her,
he said: "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him and his balls for
a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity
any longer, she asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Alex Salmon walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.
>
> SALMON: "Good morning, Miss, would please cash this cheque for me?"
>
> CASHIER: "It would be a pleasure, sir" Could you please show me your ID?"
>
> SALMOND: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
> that there was any need to. I am Alex Salmon, the leader of the SNP
> and the First Minister of Scotland."
>
> CASHIER: "Yes,sir, I know who you are but with all the new regulations
> and monotoring of the banks and because of imposters and forgers etc, I
> must insist on seeing your ID."
>
> SALMOND: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
> you. Everyone knows who I am."
>
> CASHIER: "I'm sorry, Mr. Salmon, but these are the bank rules and I
> must follow them."
>
> SALMOND: "C'mon lassie, I urge you, please, just cash my cheque."
>
> CASHIER: "Look , Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.
> One day, Tiger Woods came into our bank without ID. To prove he was
> who he said he was, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot
> across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him as Tiger
> Woods and we then cashed his cheque."
>
> "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He
> pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot volleying a
> tennis ball into a cup. With that shot, we cashed his cheque."
>
> "So Mr. Salmond, what can we do to prove that it is you
> and only you?"
>
> SALMOND: Honestly, my mind is a complete blank...... there is nothing
> that comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have
> absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
>
> CASHIER: " Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Salmond?"
>
>
>

Lol!

Alf and his wife were fast asleep when the phone rang
and woke them both up. It was 2 am.

Alf picked up the phone, listened for a moment and growled:
"How should I know, it's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The wife said, "Who was that, darling?"

Alf replied: "No idea, honey, Some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."

You can't make it up! This picture with its accompanying article appeared in my local Northampton paper. :-)

http://arbroath.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/police-try-to-identify-woman-who.html

Was she a local woman or a Romanian gypsy? Police are trying to get to the very bottom of it.

Is it anyone you recognise? If so, why? How? When?

America?

Look VERY closely : It is a person !

Magic Sandals


A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,


but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of


the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,


their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours,


so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in


and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,


called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.


I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs


and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,


gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around


the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".