LOL !!

Not a joke really, but this seems to be the right thread for this.

Paraprosdokians:

Paraprosdokians are expressions in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Winston Churchill, it is said, loved them. Here are some examples. Enjoy.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it is getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I like 'em. Here's some more:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila (+ Diet Coke?).

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Paraprosdokian Jokes:

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat." Will Rogers

On the other hand, we have different fingers. Jack Handey

I bet she regrets asking her question

Blimey, she will be in bother, how dare she speak the truth, does she not know that is not allowed.

Seriously though, it's about time some of our lot spoke a lot less politically correct.

The saying that all Muslims are not terrorists but all (or most) terrorists are Muslims is a truth not often said.

It will not be right if in the not too distant future, all Muslims are treated as terrorists, but if things carry on as they are it may become a necessity.

Appreciate this post would be more appropriate for the Speak to yourself thread, but there is so much drivel on there, I have not posted or read it for many months.

Rant over.

I like this from today's Telegraph obituary of Chapman Pincher:

"Beaverbrook believed in God, but was markedly reluctant to meet Him."

The video was nonsense. The woman quoted loads of statistics that no one challenged. She was suggesting that 25% of Muslims are radicals. I doubt that it is even 1%. She was just a rabble rouser and people in the US are susceptible to that sort of talk.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.


After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"


The Lone Ranger stood, hitched up his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"


The Lone Ranger stood again, and said, "I do. What’s wrong with him this time?"


"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

Groan. Lol! :o)

Agreed kim.,. :))

Oh come on! :-)))

A joke is a joke I suppose so well, oh ok....hahahahaha! Groan! :o)

Ok skinny, you started it!!





Two brooms were hanging in the closet.....

After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bridebroom, the other, the groom broom.

The bridebroom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bridebroom leaned over and said to the groom broom: 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' Said the groom broom.




Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'



Oh for goodness sake.....

Laugh,

Or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy


Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around !!!

Lol!

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No.

AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.

Very good..

Lol!