Ha! Ha! Ha!

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
and you smiled ! ! ! !

Little Johnny strikes again
Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!

LOL!!!

Super DB..

:-))

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose
hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as
our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are
'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a
'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up
there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

A blonde and a redhead were getting ready for bed one night when the redhead turned and said 'i have slept with a Brazillian'
the blonde retorted 'you Slut, how many is in a brazillion?'

Setting a new password:


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters
.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

LOL

THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
But it doesn't have feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, right? So the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'What happened THEN?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him??? 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
To which the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you know you're having a really bad day.

Well its brightened my day! :-)

Wow!

Glad I'm good for something......... :))

V funny Balerboy !

A Jew walks in to a pawn shop in West London very smartly dressed and says i'd like to borrow £8 for two weeks please ,
Ok says the money lender , does some calculations and says you will pay back one pound per week interest so providing you pay back in two weeks that will be £10 ,we also ask that you leave something of value .
Ok says the man i have a 2014 Rolls Royce out front, here are the keys .
The bemused shop owner takes the keys and the man leaves .
He returns in two weeks as agreed and takes a crisp tenner out of his wallet to clear the debt .
The money lender says your car is in our secure car park out back sir and hands him the keys , as he turns to go the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks , why would a man like you need to borrow £8 ?
The Jew turns and says ,i was going away for fortnight ,now where can i park a Rolls Royce in West London for two weeks for a tenner !

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON"
TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.

 
Stay......

 
I pulled into the parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

 
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,

 
(this is going to hurt - read on)

 


 
"Why don't you just put the brake on?"


 

HI dooglebug,

Very funny, just shows how true life can be funnier that fiction some times, mind you, its a good job you weren't looking at the blond and shouting, 'come come' instead of 'stay stay'.