Are these the greatest comedy one-liners ever told?

Lol! I'm all for prioritisation!

The couple above also had this chat.

Him: When I die I'm going to leave everything to you.

Her: You already do you lazy sod.

🤣

Stewardess on long distance flight asks passenger: "would you like dinner sir?" upon which passenger replied: "are there any options?" Stewardess responded: "there are indeed sir-YES OR NO.

a creep calls randomly a woman and says in a lewd voice: "I reckon you go a tight bum"
Woman says :" indeed I have , he is in the living room watching the cricket..who can I say is calling?"

re skinny's 410...
Husband: "think the 2 for 1 pair of dentures should have come with instructions"
Wife: "why ?"
Husband: "reckon of we swap bottom dentures to top and vice versa we actually may look like a happily married couple.."

Request

Anyone selling a hoover, mine is broke and I have a baby.

Reply

You're better off using wet wipes, a hoover won't shift the sticky bits and tends to make them cry.

...works on me!!! I have not bought a hoover 25 years now!! (just the occasional hair dryer..)

The old couple above


Her: You never tell me you love me

Him: I told you once, if anything changes I'll let you know

Interesting marketing ploy of lingerie manufacturers: Memorable lines of pop songs are being printed on both sides of ladies underwear and supposedly are very successful.
Marketing manager still unsure about : "I would do anything for love" on front and "but I won't do that" on back...

I call my dog Gunot, 'cos he often barks.

s£d

Q. Why did Paddy's dog have a flat nose?

A. Chasing parked cars.

Paddy & Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole.

A builder walks past & they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple fellas, watch this.” He unbolts it, lies it flat & measures it.

Paddy says to Mick, “Thick sod! We want to know the height not the feckin length!”

Paddy says to Murphy.

"If you can guess how many potatoes I have in this bag you can have both of them"!!

Oh Paddy thats a tough one. Is it 6?

Unlucky Murphy. You are only 5 out, its 4!!!!

The magician on the Titanic had a parrot but every time he did a trick the parrot would ruin it, “It’s up his sleeve” or “it’s in his pocket.”

When the Titanic goes down they end up sat together on a door drifting around. After a while the parrot pipes up, “OK, you’ve got me. Where’s the ship?

A Group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff had big breasts and wore short skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been.