Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I didn't mention the Lib/dems , Haystack.

NEW compulsory ID cards for northerners will allow the government to track their movements.

A growing north-south divide has seen immigrants from as far afield as Rotherham and Burnley heading south in search of work, housing and free health care.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “These people need to know that NHS does not stand for Northern Health Service.

“Northerners may still travel freely in the South, but must maintain their accents at all time and not offer anyone a ‘barm cake’.”

‘Up North’ to become a single constituency, vows Cameron

RADICAL boundary changes by the Conservative party will make it mathematically impossible for Labour to win an election, it has emerged.

Under David Cameron’s proposed new constituency boundaries, Up North – which includes traditional Labour strongholds Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle – will elect a single MP.

Meanwhile David Cameron’s home town of Chipping Norton would be split into 27 constituencies, three of them representing areas of Cameron’s house.

Cameron said: “The needs of my bathroom are very different to those of my kitchen or spare room, and I am delighted our electoral system will now recognise those differences.

“Northerners however all share the common life goals of having sex in car parks and acquiring fried meat in cardboard buckets, so there is less need for detailed administration in their foggy, marsh-like region.”

The Prime Minister has promised that the 2015 election will be a more spectacular affair, with polling stations moving from primary schools to more impressive locations such as golf clubs and opera houses.

He also plans to introduce a ‘two names two votes’ policy under which anyone with a double-barrelled surname may legally vote twice.

The logistics of the election would also change, with responsibility for the ballot passing to private firm Optimum Democracy.

An Optimum spokesman explained: “Voters can buy the Premium Ballot Paper, which will list all the candidates, or stick with the Free and Easy option, which will only show the party that won the previous election.”

Your not the Pope are you .

Sturgeon unveils manifesto for undiscovered planets



NP leader Nicola Sturgeon has set out her plans for the entire universe.

Sturgeon pledged to bring ‘core Scottish values’ to undiscovered planets, millions of light years away, as she unveiled the SNP manifesto. This is Who the Fuck We Think We Are.

She said: “We remain focused on achieving independence for the Solar System, but we believe a Scottish-led Solar System can be a force for good throughout the cosmos.

“Let’s imagine a planet that I call ‘Zartax 5′. For too long the working class, blue-skinned creatures of Zartax 5 have been exploited by the lazy, green-skinned bankers of Zartax 4, sipping Ultra-Champagne in their shiny, spherical mansions.

“It’s time to disable the warp drive on the Zartax 4 gravy spaceship.”

The Scottish first minister pledged to create a vast, intergalactic government that would share the natural resources of the bright orange moons, rich in a substance she will name ‘murrellium’.

Sturgeon also dismissed comparisons to Kathryn Janeway, from Star Trek: Voyager, adding: “In Voyager, Janeway was just a captain and, as you can see, I am wearing my Star Trek admiral’s uniform.”

lol @ Haystack...good ones!

Haze,

Post 58841

"There is far too much notice taken of groups who try and contact extra terrestrial beings and think they are being watched over by them. Delusional groups should have no influence in public affairs."

I thought you belonged to one of the groups you referred to.

Perhaps, you are a representative of yourself.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

But aren't the tory and kipper parties frightened of Sturgeon and SNP who represents Scotland, and aren't A.L.s like themselves.

But she certainly seems sensible and has sensible approach to grown up politics.

--------

Cameron, is like a dung beetle in comparison, open to the "best" offer!

I wish her well.

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/apr/20/tories-still-ahead-labour-latest-guardian-icm-poll

Tories still ahead of Labour in latest Guardian/ICM poll

The Conservatives remain ahead of Labour in the latest Guardian/ICM general election campaign poll – by a narrow margin.

The Tories are on 34%, down from 39% in the same poll last week, but still two points clear of Labour, which slips back one percentage point to 32%.

Ukip climbs back four points from a miserable score last time, to reach 11%. That puts them just ahead of the Liberal Democrats, who recover two to reach 10%. The Greens are on 5%.

Despite the Conservatives campaigning aggressively around the prospect of Labour gaining power with the help of the SNP, the poll suggests there is only slightly less support for this than a replay of the Tory-Lib Dem coalition.

The detail of the latest poll, which was conducted between Friday afternoon and Sunday and followed most of the manifesto launches, underlines how the race for No 10 is on a knife-edge.

Are the Northern Conservatories included in that . By gum.

There was a young man named Gordon who bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day he says, "I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he's dead!"

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".

"I can't do that" replied the farmer, "I went out and spent it already."

Gordon said "Ok just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked "What are you gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'll raffle him off" said Gordon.

The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon with a big smile on his face said, "Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened to the dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2.00 each and made a huge profit."

Totally amazed the farmer asked "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2.00 back plus £200.00 extra which is double the going value of a dead donkey so he thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, some of them thought he was a great guy.

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!

We hate Cockneys!!

Southern Poofters with Piss For Ale! :0)

Labour are launching their manifesto on the set of Coronation Street.

For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a far-fetched piece of fiction popular with northerners. Coronation Street, however, is a TV programme.

Yeah and Eastenders is a class act! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMILLLLLLYYYY.

News: "Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year"

Maybe McDonald's should stop putting salad in their burgers.

Hayes - Who's rattled your cage today, having a go at Northerners and now a swipe at the Scots. Waitrose delivery of the Bolly late?

I see 'Boris the Secret Tory Weapon' is now coming more to the fore a bit more.

His 'You wouldn't put Herod in charge of a baby farm, would you?' is typical and is also inspirationally gutteral.

If he steps it up during the next few weeks, the Tories are going to walk it and won't need minority or coalition agreements, IMHO. They might well get to have a majority government

If Ed Miliband's in the driving seat, Nicola Sturgeon will be steering him to the Left
A Labour-SNP coalition would be a recipe for chaos that could lead to the break-up of the UK

By Boris Johnson
10:01PM BST 19 Apr 2015

You wouldn’t get Herod to run a baby farm, would you? It would not normally occur to you to interview a convicted jewel thief for the post of custodian of the Tower of London.
You would not dream of asking a fox to look after the henhouse or a temperance campaigner to run a brewery or Attila the Hun to work as a doorkeeper for the Roman senate – and no one in their right mind would enter into a contract with a bunch of voracious weevils to protect the lovely old timbers in the tower of the local church. Would they?
Any such course of action would be totally nuts. So can someone tell me why in the name of all that is holy there are some apparently rational people who are even contemplating the elevation of the Scottish Nationalist Party to a position of effective dominance in the government of the United Kingdom – an entity that they are sworn to destroy?

That is their charter, their aim, their ambition, their mission statement: to overturn last year’s referendum, and to break us up. They want to end Britain, to decapitate Britannia, to cause a constitutional upheaval that would gravely weaken this country, a rupture that has provoked horror in Britain’s friends around the world – and a silent chuckle among those who do not wish us quite so well.

And yet it is now clear that it is only with the help of the SNP – a party that is literally anti-British – that Ed Miliband can have any hope of governing this country. The Labour implosion in Scotland means that his chances of forming a majority government are now put at less than 1 per cent.

If Miliband is to occupy Downing Street, he will have to do it either by means of a formal coalition with Salmond/Sturgeon, or with an arrangement called confidence and supply, by which the Scots Nats agree to help knock his legislation through the Commons.

It is therefore obvious to every serious political analyst that he would be in many ways the plaything of the SNP. Unless he has the support of that 40-plus bloc of Scottish secessionists, he will be stymied. If Miliband somehow manages to form a minority government, he will be peeping from Alec Salmond’s sporran like a baffled baby kangaroo. He would be the vacillating Macbeth, pushed hither and yon by Lady Macbeth, in the form of Nicola Sturgeon.

Did you see her the other night, telling him to man up, to screw his courage to the sticking place – to do what she told him to do because “you are not strong enough on your own”? The awful truth is that she is right. Without her help and her say-so, and without the support of Salmond and his troops in the Commons, there is not a single bill that Labour could get through. It is a recipe for chaos; and worse than chaos – because the SNP has changed over the years.

The reason they have lampreyed the life out of Labour in Scotland is that they have become ever more Left wing. Miliband is already the most Left-wing Labour leader since Michael Foot, promoting an agenda that seems to be avowedly hostile to wealth creation and “predatory” capitalism. The SNP are Lefties on steroids. They want to abandon any attempt to get the deficit under control, and indeed the Treasury has calculated that they would borrow another £148 billion.

They think taxes are far too low in Britain, and would seek new “progressive” taxes on top of what Labour is already proposing. They would scrap Trident, denuding Britain of its nuclear deterrent and sending future prime ministers naked into the conference chamber. The SNP would junk all attempts to reform the welfare system – even though they have the support of most voters in this country, and indeed most Labour voters.

They seem to dislike anything to do with America or free trade, and so would ditch the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership, even though the deal would be good for the UK economy. On many of these issues they would of course be opposed, initially, by many Labour MPs. But what could they do? Unless Miliband plays ball, he will be powerless to legislate. He would lose the confidence of parliament, and he would be chucked out.

Yes, he will be sitting in the driving seat, pretending to be steering the car – but all the time he will have clever Nicola next to him, whispering in his ear, and perpetually yanking the steering wheel to the Left. Eventually there will be another terrible crash, just as there was in 2008/9.

But why should the SNP care a hoot about that? There is a grim sense in which the worst outcome for the UK is also – for a party that wants to break up the UK – the best.

Miliband’s proposed deal with the Scots Nats is like the fable of the frog that agrees to carry the scorpion across the river. In the end he will get stung – because that is the nature of the beast.

The risk is that by the end of this calamitous partnership there will be so many people in England who are cheesed off by the SNP’s behaviour that they will be only too happy to bid Scotland goodbye; and anybody thinking of voting Ukip should realise that by putting in a Labour/SNP alliance they are going to turn the UK into the Former UK, and their party will have to be called FUKIP.

Keep the Tories and you keep the Beefeaters guarding the Tower; you let farmers protect their chickens with their own shotguns; you keep out Attila and other roaming Eastern European criminals with tougher immigration controls; you keep Britain’s booming breweries and distilleries exporting overseas with ever-greater confidence; you repair the church tower with the VAT refund introduced by George Osborne – and as for the crèche that was in danger of being run by Herod, you fund ever better child care with the 30-hour free care announced in the manifesto.

Vote Tory to stop a Labour/SNP coalition from wrecking the country – a choice, as I may have mentioned before, between competence and chaos.

The mere thought of Fifi and Wallace and Grommett running the country reckon it's odds on a Conservative majority :0)

Northerners and Scots are the same.