Time to go for it, girlies !

Any old farts of a grumpy disposition need not apply :)

If they are also brave, really gorgeous girls could try this:

Take a bath readily prepared with a lighter and with the lights out.
Fart.
When the bubbles reach the top, have the lighter waiting to explode them.
It looks really good in the dark. And they don't smell because you've burned all the gas fumes.

PS. Don't tell anyone.

Men can keep a secret but can't keep a fart in.

Women can keep a fart in, but can't keep a secret.

And I thought the wife took matches into the bathroom to light the candles.

docproc...bet there`s never a dull moment in your house...lol

Himmelfahrt:)

good game,who can blow the candle out,or use a lighter,best after 8 pints and a chicken madras ;-))

steve

was that a hAIRY arse (_!_)

ladies we are so near yet so far.......

-*
Title: The perfect day



THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8.15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
8.30 - Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8.45 - Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9.15 - Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10.00 - Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
10.30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12.00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12.45 - Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
1.00 - Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00 - Nap
4.00 - Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
4.15 - Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5.30 - Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7.30 - Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10.00 - Hot shower (alone)
10.50 - Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11.00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11.15 - Fall asleep in his big strong arms
_____________________________

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 - Alarm
6.15 - sex
6.30 - Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7.00 - Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked chicks with big tits
7.30 - Limo arrives
7.45 - Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15 - Flight in personal Lear Jet
9.30 - Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9.45 - Play front nine (2 under)
11.45 - Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 - sex
12.30 - Play back nine (4 under)
2.15 - Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
2.30 - Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
4.30 - Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6.45 - Shit, Shower and Shave
7.00 - Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marajuana and porn legalized
7.30 - Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Icecream served on a pair of tits
9.00 - Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day;England beat Wales 31-0
9.30 - Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies) 9.31
11.00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11.30 - A nightcap blowjob
11.45 - In bed alone
11.50 - A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

My better half informs me that Fern 'n Whatisname on G' morning Breakfast were discussing vibrators, spicing up your sex life (with the wife I s'pose), dressing to thrill (Fern Brittan??) and other rudie stuff. All on daytime TV folks.

Where will it all end? Me m-in-law must had a heart attack (fingers crossed)!

Modern Britain eh?

LUV IT!

Brilliant Mos-ROFLMAO-Playing Dixie no probs-whatever key you want!

Through a comb, Son?

yes very good mostrader, but not completly correct! i like sex at 6:48 as well.

sorry golddog....:)

The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"
Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him "pick a number froom 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the numner 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a
number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week."

Top Ten things men understand about women

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10.


says it all chaps just no point trying

girls ill admit to most of the below.......


Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Is this a one-man crusade, mos?

Because I'm a girlie, I've never needed to worry about fixing a flat tyre... just get out of the car and start walking - works every time.

And because I'm a girlie, I know we wouldn't have been lost at all if I'd been driving.

And, oh - because I'm a girlie, I know how to fix an appliance - hiding the remote control is the obvious ploy...but there are others. ;)

Oh Choccie such Porky Pies,

I know for a fact you can't even remember where you have parked your car.

You couldn't phone for help for the flat tyre, because you wouldn't be able to remember where your mobile is.



When stopped on Princess Street Manchester the police said to Choccie " This is a one-way Madam" and Choccie said "But I'm only going one-way"

I've got to admit women are good drivers, it's just the stopping and parking they have trouble with :-)

Tin Hat on, waiting for the Exorcet.

choccie ,always goes one way..::)

Yes. Just like the thread header says....

"Girls are gorgeous"

We love 'em to bits. :-)

You're such a tell-tale, Sputtie :)