Try this:

being asked if it's ok to store things on my computer ain't no joke........

COFFEE

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he
sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again

Q. What's in between murder and suicide?

A. Hmmm? Is it Merseyside?

Golden Rules for Fishing with a Hand Grenade:



1. Pull the pin.

2. Throw it well away from the boat.

3. Net the stunned fish.



These guys forgot step 2.



I could watch it for hours....

Link not working Skinny..

Fixed!

Brilliant. I think they were stunned!

*WARNING* The following video of the bull run in Pamplona, Spain, is graphic and violent.

What possesses these knuckleheads to participate in such lunacy?

How Spain Gets Rid of Stupid People

Regret to say it just about explains the state the country is in.
The Queen's Riddle



David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"



The Queen smiled and said to Charles,

"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !
And in a great rush he left.

David Cameron went back to Parliament
He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.

"Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,
"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;

"That's easy, it's me!"

Nick Clegg grinned, and said,
"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister
The Child is Nigel Farage !"

David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !
________________________________________________________________

Very good Skinny.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a damaged wall in an NHS hospital.

One is from Tottenham, another is from West Ham, and the third is from Luton. All three go with a senior NHS manager to examine the wall.

The Tottenham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will cost about £20,000. £10,000 for materials, £8,000 for the labour and £2,000 profit for me."

The West Ham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £15,000. £8,000 for materials, £6,000 for labour, and £1,000 profit for me."

The Luton contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the NHS manager and whispers, "£36,000."

The manager, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Luton contractor whispers back, "£8,000 for me, £8,000 for you, and we hire my mate's firm from Tottenham to fix the wall."

"Done!" replies the NHS manager.

*Stay Off Your Bicycle*

*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.


He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *

*The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week

Not the best pre referendum PR shot!

Brilliant !

Lol! :o)

LOL !!

Not a joke really, but this seems to be the right thread for this.

Paraprosdokians:

Paraprosdokians are expressions in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Winston Churchill, it is said, loved them. Here are some examples. Enjoy.


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it is getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I like 'em. Here's some more:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila (+ Diet Coke?).

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Paraprosdokian Jokes:

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat." Will Rogers

On the other hand, we have different fingers. Jack Handey

I bet she regrets asking her question