Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Skinny,

As a member of the older set, I take great offence at jokes about old people and their failing memory, in fact I am so incensed as soon as I remember where to complain I intend to do so.

Couple involved in nasty accident,hubby is shaken up, but the wife is seriously injured.
Hubby told major reconstruction and intensive plastic surgery required,he at once voluntiers as a donor.It will be a long and painful experience for both of you he's told,she's a good women and wife whom i love very dearly.
After many months the treatment is complete and the wife takes a look in the mirror,
"WOW" she exclaims i look better than be fore,younger.How can i repay you she asks the husband,you already have,"WHEN YOUR MOTHER KISSED YOU ON YOUR CHEEK"?

It is nearly Turkey time !!

 
Subject: THE GLOBAL DATING INDEX
 
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN: 


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. 
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. 
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position. 

 
IRISH WOMEN: 


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

 
ITALIAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. 
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. 

 
CHINESE WOMEN: 


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. 
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. 
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. 

 
INDIAN WOMEN: 


First date: Meet her parents. 
Second date: Set the date of the wedding. 
Third date: Wedding night. 

 
BLACK WOMEN: 


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 
Third Date: You get to pay her rent. 
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else. 

 
MEXICAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. 
Second Date: She's pregnant. 
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. 
 
 
JEWISH WOMEN: 

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her. 
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image. 
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier. 

 
ARAB WOMEN: 


First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. 
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats. 
No third date! 

 
The POINT? 
DON' T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH!

Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

very good midnight

Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she
was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy
hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt... She figured,
what the
heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage. I'd
like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is
sex. I
want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy
all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"


He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic,...

but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

:-))

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for
dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed
and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,
the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my
f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him
home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Ha! Ha! Ha!

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
and you smiled ! ! ! !

Little Johnny strikes again
Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!

LOL!!!

Super DB..

:-))

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose
hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as
our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are
'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a
'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up
there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

A blonde and a redhead were getting ready for bed one night when the redhead turned and said 'i have slept with a Brazillian'
the blonde retorted 'you Slut, how many is in a brazillion?'