Today, 16th April, is the birthday of Sir Terence Alan ("Spike") Milligan.
In celebration, here's a few of his sayings:
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I told you I was ill. (This is what he wanted for his epitaph!)
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said, 'He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.'
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it should all be in perfect working order.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass", and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.
I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, 'Why should I? He never reads any of mine.'
Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
After five days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
Money can't buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
All men are cremated equal.
If you want to read a bit more about Spike Milligan, who was a fascinating 'out of the box' comedy character, suffered from severe bipolar disorder and had as many as ten serious mental breakdowns in his life, then here's a link to his Wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_Milligan