JOKE OF THE DAY

Specially for the STALKER - "Dill", now a LIAR also

"Dill" ran to his mummy who was working in the kitchen.

"Mummy Mummy the boy next door has a willy like a peanut"

"Do you mean it's small "son"

"No Mummy I mean it's salty"

XXX rated JOKES, only for over 18 year old

BLONDES

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door!

How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette with bad breath!

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
1: She'd just dyed her hair.
2: She just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get screwed when they're on their back.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

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An Accountant Is Having A Hard Time Sleeping
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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Accountants Short Jokes

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.
So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor.
I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.

How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.

-----------------

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10.You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
213
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air

-----------------------

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
> "I used some horrible language this week and feel
> absolutely terrible about it, said the
> nun."
> "When did you use this awful language?" asks the
> Mother Superior.
> "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that
> looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it
> struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway
> and fell straight down to the ground after going only
> about 100 yards."
> "Is that when you swore?'
> "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran
> out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
> began to run away."
> "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior
> again.
> "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel
> was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
> grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly
> away!"
> "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
> "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away
> in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel
> dropped my ball."
> "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming
> impatient.
> "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over
> the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped
> about a two feet from the hole."
> The two nuns were silent for a moment.
>
> Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the
> fuckin' putt, didn't you?"

-------------

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

---------------

Polly dont want crackers
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is Hi, were prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"Thats awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom Ive taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priests house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, were prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

--------------

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

----------------

A man with a lot of money lazed about all day.
A man with little money asked if he could do the same.
The first man said certainly.
The poor man lazed around but because of this went bankrupt and starved.

Moral of the Story: To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

------------

See there was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is...... When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


-----------

MANHOOD
To all young Black men; to all fathers, mothers and sistahs locked
with young brothers who wear their pants on or below their butts;
here is a truth Afromerica thinks you should know about the sag
style. Prison inmate intimacy is the root.

From the mouth of a brother recently release from one of the
northeast most hardcore prisons comes this truth. No longer
concerned about his own dignity but more concerned about the dignity
and reputation of young Black men everywhere, this brother reveals
the secrets of prison intimacy among young men.

He tells us that when a new inmate has resorted to wearing the pants
of his blues around the middle of his butt, it is a prison message
for his manhood is ready for breaking, and when he wears it down
below his butt, he already belongs to someone inside.

The myth that this trend came from having belts confiscated from
inmates, which caused their pants to sag is not accurate, but have
only help further glamorize the image of prison apparel among today
's urban and suburban youth.

They believe it a "hard " image to portray among other youth in
the hood, never even having been behind bars. However, once the
truth gets out about the meaning of the sag, more youth should
reconsider how they wear their pants or the wrong message about
them will be taken.

Please pass this message along to someone you may know who has a
young son that wears their gear like so. Tell them they must
reconsider the trend and make an effort to change.
Their manhood is at stake

tabasco
Threads are for talking about the company, not for stalkers follow posters around
Try not to be a fool like "Dill" is my messsage.

Only trying to kidnap the thread, ( this thread was not use for some time )( he/she) had no interest on the company, never posted here before, only today for the STALKER case.

I sold last Year when the TREND change, as the STOCK market around the WORLD did much the same. I have rules and stop loss to follow if I want to conserve my money for better times like now.

he may not have done so here, but i know he posted the other day somewhere that he is generally just a very short term holder ..... i confess his analyses are far too complex for my aged brain in any case,

OK cynic you win .... I just don't like the tw*t :-)

... cos 9 times out of 10 he makes out he's in for the long term , pump and dump spring to mind.

Dil/Cynicjust got in... I actually dont mind the guy to a certain extentputs on a front imoand I cant understand how he comes to his conclusionsthey never add up? bit of a jackanory most timesbut your last post Dilis exactly how I see it.and is the reason I kicked off.his wording is changing though

Master RSI.a neat way to delete on the headernot doing your cause a lot of good mate

Seems bizarre to me that someone takes the time to post which we all can either ignore or take seriously and then gets criticised for it. He doesn't has to share any pearls of wisdom and posters can ignore him if they so wish.

No one gets it right all the time but for the record I've followed Master after doing quick research on about 70% of his 'ups' and I can't remember one that I didn't make money on in a reasonably quick time. Like him, I may only stay in the stock for a couple of hours or it may be a week or so. We even made money on a quick in and out on 'Land of Leather' when the MM's were pushing the sp 30% or so upwards. It would have been crazy to stay in the stock and of course a few weeks later they went bust.

We all have our opinions and as a side, I love his cartoon cause they brighten my day!

lol , deleting the evidence after the event Master tosser says it all.

Christ you ain't half a pratt.

I'd suggest you go back to the rugby thread but you haven't really got a lot to shout about there have you?

Never mind lil

As you said , everyone is entitled to their point of view and I think he's a tosser.

As for me not being half a pratt that is very kind of you and as far as my club team go I think you'll find we have an awful team so plenty to shout about.

Is lil a pet name for mr tosser ?

Have a nice day.

Regards

(ps think jkd has summed up the problem some of us have with him very politely on the lloy thread)

It's a bit silly making this the joke thread. I'm sure there's value in covering at least some of JSP's potential. ;-0

Hangover Dil?...you are on the Jessup threadBTW I see the Master RSI has gone quite rumours that a South American terrorist group have kidnapped our beloved and are demanding 5mil or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can I have donated five litresany more charitable people?alright just a bit of funban me!

Make me look a prat Dilnice edit

Sorry tabby , must have done it while you were typing ... and you do a fine job of that all by yourself :-)

If you cant get hold of petrol in WalesI believe propane will do?

I'll supply the matches.