Dear All,

Ive been asked to write a play to be performed at my local pub. Well to be honest I'd a few too many and almost promised. In the cold light of day, as I sit here watching by stocks do very little I thought I'd see if I could get a bit of a hand.
The plan is to do the Cinderella story in modern times. It must be funny and is for an adult only audiance.
Here's the story so far;


CINDERS AND HER BUTT UGLY SISTERS



LIGHTS UP VIDEO CLIP BEGINS

The video begins and shows Cinders sitting on the floor in the kitchen scrubbing the floor.
Cinders looks up and turns to the camera and says longingly my life sucks, if only I could find the man of my dreams, and man who is handsome, rich, kind, generous and of course hung like a Grand National Winner.

Cinders goes back to scrubbing the floor Video closes.

Scene 1
Tartimore, Cinders ugly stepsister enters the stage, holding a mirror, dancing and singing to herself,.

You should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky, you should be so lucky to get mee

Jugsulike comes running onto the stage holding an E mail with the Royal Crest.

Jugsulike Tartimore, Tartimore dearest look whats just arrives by E mail!!
Tartimore What is it Jugs, is it the latest edition of Hunk in Skirts?
Jugsulike - No its
Tartimore It must be the new copy of How to drug your man into bed and marriage that we ordered last week.
Jugsulike No mothers got that, shes trying it out on the old General down the road.
Tartimore Well what the ell is it then?
Jugsulike An invite to the Royal Ball,

Both girls jump for joy ( I dont know who joy is though), and scream and run off stage.

Cinders enters the stage and talking to herself she says; - I cant believe it, the only E mail I got was AOL offering me another free trial, two porn sites telling me that Id been registered and I now qualify for 50 free pictures and someone offering me a home owner loan. I wouldnt mind so much if I owned a home.

ENTER THE BUTT UGLY SISTERS

The two ugly sisters enter the stage discussing what to wear for the Royal Ball, and who they were going to lure the Prince into their bed. They stop next to Cinders and say;

Jugsulike Cinders, fuck off into town and get my new dress from the dry cleaners
Tartimore - Yes and get me some of that hair spray as well. Have you hoovered this place today?
Cinders - Ive only just finished.
Tartimore Did you plug the Hoover in? Cinders you are one lazy ugly tart. My dress better be clean, and make sure the hairspray is that fancy stuff that will make us look five years younger.

The sisters leave the stage calling the odd insult to Cinders as they go. Cinders sighs and says to herself;

Cinders - I hope you two catch the clap.

Cinders puts on her coat and leaves the stage.


THE NARRATOR

Cinders the poor downtrodden girl leaves the house and makes her way into town, she duly collects the dress and some tacky hairspray for her sisters.
On the way out of Nettos with her purchases she thinks to herself, bollocks to this Im off for a huge espresso in the coffee shop. On the way Cinders popped into the newsagents and bought herself 20 B&H and a Lucky Millionaire scratch card.

A few minutes later Cinders is sat outside the coffee shop with her espresso. She lights up and inhales deeply. She looks down at her scratch card and begins to scratch. When she was finished she decided to stop scratching in public and wash when she got home.
Again looking at the scratch card she thinks to herself If only I could win the million quid, I could hire a hit man to disposed of my step sisters and then shag me rotten all night.

Cinders begins to scratch her card when , with a large flash of light her Fairy God Mother appears dressed as a pink Telly Tubby.


Cinders - Who the fuck are you?
FGM - Im your fairy god mother.
Cinders - Fuck off, Ive got no spare change, I dont want to buy the Big Issue and Im not selling myself for less than a Million, now piss off.
FGM - No seriously I am your fairy god mother.
Cinders You look a Pratt, no self respecting fairy would dress like that.
FGM - Im going to a fancy dress party at the George, its my costume.
Cinders - Hire shop closed was it? Why do I have to have a fairy god mother that looks like a Pratt, can you get changed or something, people can see me.

Fairy god mother sits down next to Cinders, steals one of her cigarettes and says;

FGM - Right Cinders lets get this straight, I havent got much time, the beers cheaper until seven. Firstly I am your fairy god mother, secondly no one can see me
Cinders - Thats even better, people think Im a nutter talking to myself..
FGM Shut up Cinders, thirdly you are destined to go to the Royal Ball and shag the prince. Ive arranged an invite to be sent to your E-mail address; by the way Ive put a spam blocker on your system as well, your computer has more porn on it than the owner of the sex shop. Youll need to go shopping them sacks in your wardrobe are a disgrace.
Cinders - With what, do you think Im made of money? Arent you supposed to magic me a fantastic dress?
FGM What? You read too many fairy tales, cant you get an overdraft?
Cinders Ive got a savers account, and all that goes in there is my job seekers allowance.
FGM OK, Ill let you win on that scratch card.
Cinders How much?
FGM Enough to buy clothes, get your hair done, sort some make up out, get your legs waxed, Jesus! Cinders look at your legs have you never heard of Immac?
Cinders Do you get paid extra to take the piss?
FGM No, its a bonus of the job. Right Cinders, Im off, cash your scratch card, check you E mail and get yourself ready, and keep this from your sisters.

With a puff of pink smoke the fairy god mother was gone and Cinders was left
one with her coffee, fag and scratch card. Cinders took a look around to check who was looking at her. Happy she was not the centre of attention she begins scratching at her card.
She reveals three 750s and disappears into the newsagent to cash in her card.

Cinders, clutching her cash runs home