Fancy dress joke

A guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the vampire section. The girl behind the counter says, "Maybe you should try the West Ham United football shop across the street". Guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count".








Deal or No Deal

Liverpool TV joke

Q. If Man United fans watch MUTV, and Chelsea fans watch Chelsea TV, what do Liverpool fans watch? A. The History Channel.

Arsenal joke

Q. What's the difference between Fagin and Arsene Wenger? A. When Fagin sent his kids out, they came back with silverware

John Terry joke

In the showers for the first time at Stamford Bridge, Torres sees John Terry's winkie and says, "Ay caramba John, look at the size of that! No wonder Bridge's wife liked you. How do you get it so big?" Terry replies, "Ah, it's an old trick mate. When I'm going up the apples and pairs for a bit of how's yer father, I whack it against the banister all the way up." Torres goes home that night and starts whacking his willy on the banister on his way to bed, when his missus shouts from the bedroom, "John, is that you?"

FIFA joke

Q. What do you do if your copy of FIFA becomes corrupt and stops working? A. Slip it another tenner.

Liverpool owners joke

Breaking News: Liverpool's new owners have announced they will rename the team, to give a more appropriate american feel, the current front runner is the 'Hub Cap Steelers' in a similar move the stadium is set to be called the 'San Giro

Capello joke

Fabio Capello walks up to a ginger kid kicking a ball against a wall and asks him if he wants to play for England. The boy replies, "No chance, I get bullied enough for being ginger!

The Manchester City bus had to make a detour last night when theteam were on their open top bus tour and pop into B & Q to buy a trophy cabinet.

I heard Man U were going to field an un-named premiership footballer on the wing to face Barrca.

2. Police are called to Old Trafford.

A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.The police negotiator says to him, come on mate, its not that bad, dont do it!
You dont get it! says the Chelsea fan, for four years Ive been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I cant take it any more!
Ok mate, I do understand your pain, replied the negotiator, but I dont understand one thing why are you here at Old Trafford? Why arent you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?
The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, have you seen the f*ckin QUEUE?

ref un-named premier footballer:

I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.
John Humphreys asked, Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?
I said,I couldnt say.
He said, Correct, question two


Man Utd awards dinner thrown into choas as "top premiership footballer" "top flight premiership footballer and "anonymous premiership footballer" win player of the year!

Nobody told me that Imogen Thomas was a talented musician?
Well - apparantly shes being doing giggs around Manchester for the past eight months

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though hes happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally

Help!!!!!!!!! Does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I am 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club.

Funny how half these jokes come from the mens mag Nuts?

What's funny I did not say I made them up just a bit of light relief from the FTSE which will be down 50 points today. Looks like the shorts will have today.

Heard Imogen is going to start a career in singing, She'll be doing gigs in Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool...

Can I have a Blackburn Rovers joke, please? (I know, I know, just mentioning the name is enough to make some people fall about laughing)

How many Blackburn Rovers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. 1 to change the bulb, 1 to hold the ladder, 1 to kick sh*t out of the old bulb and 2 to protest to the rest of the world that lightbulb changing is a man's game and if it can't take a kick it shouldn't be there and besides it doesn't matter the point is they TRIED to change it and are therefore better than you!

6. Apparently, when Harry Redknapp was West ham manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

16. Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

Have you heard the news that Chelsea FC are getting a new sponsor? It is going to be Viagra, Its the only way they can get past a semi.

Thanks Skinny and Bernard. (BTW Bernard, doesn't Premier League and League Cup count?)