Doggone!

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"

LOL !!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE




PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!


















An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist



as a precaution.






When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.






The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.






I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,




'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,




"99".




The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,




'99".




Again, the old guy says,




'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.




Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.




I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.




Now take a deep breath and say,




'99'.




The old guy begins,




"One....




two…




three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

The last time I had my prostrate checked it was by a young quite pretty doctor and a nurse to assist as it required 2 to hold and 1 to probe.

As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.

Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.

Nice jokes you two. :-)

Pleased to see you're still around, greekman. :-)

I've just discovered my girlfriends Twitter, its the space between her C*#T and her Shitter..!!

Hi ExecLine,

Yes still around thanks.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."



"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.



The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair




The missus bought a Paperback




down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

V Good

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

CWMAM,

Your jokes have given me some great laughs on these dark autum days.

Where the hell do you find them!

Hi greekman,glad you enjoy them,i have a few friends who swap jokes,its good to laugh.

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.






He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'






The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'






Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.






There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:






One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.






The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'






The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'






To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'








LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)








Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.






'Why?' asks the father?






'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.






'But that's right!' says his dad.






'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''






'What's the fu***ing difference?' asks the father.






'That's what I said!'










LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH








Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'






RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'






Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'






Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'








LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)








One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.






First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'






'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.






'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'






She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.






'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!''






Hilarious.....
















LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER








Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'






Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'






The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f***ng business.










I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

You know you're going to send this on.

Unusual ending!

This looks so real, but it has to be faked.