My girlfriend told me to call over to her house the other day. When I arrived, I found her unbelievably sexy sister alone, naked, lying on a sofa.

She whispered in my ear, ''I'm very horny, sh4g me now"

Immediately, I turned around and walked out of the front door and towards my car.

I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said "you have won my trust!"

MORAL :

Its better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket!

There were two guys working for the council. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally. Technical analysis is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion.
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Look

I'm sure this is doing the rounds, but for those that haven't seen it..........

"Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, rugby (dominated by the Kiwis), and rugby league (dominated by the Aussies). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby league (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.















On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

> Subj: Have some more.
>
>
> The innocent live dangerously.
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

LOL !!

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.





'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'





'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'





'Just three questions' said St Peter.





'Which are?' asked the Blonde.





'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?





The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?






The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'






'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'






So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).






The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'






'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'






The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'





St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.





'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'





St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.





A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'





The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'






'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'






And the Blonde entered Heaven...

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

Two sharks swimming around in the Irish sea, when one turns to the other and says "I am fed up with eating mackeral". The other shark replies "In that case lets headover to Morecombe Bay for a chinese."



Only a joke,i do like China and Chinese people.

HOME FOR LUNCH
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.

An older couple were lying in bed one night one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.


This “TRUE” interview went as follows:


The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?
“Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”
“Just imagine, if I was playing with your boobs twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year,wouldn't you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ..

A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives there is just a dog sat in a cage.

It was a Shitzu

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" .."Bugger that"

says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

<>


















My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girl friend yet.

>

I
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
>


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
>


They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London: Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
>


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
>


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
>


Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
>


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

>









19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>


An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Theoretically or Realistically

A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

Tommy Cooper joke;

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

Very clever these sheepdogs - unlike my two dopes!

Woman in Essex, expecting a baby, has a serious accident and is unconscious.

Eventually she makes it and wakes up again only to realise she is not pregnant anymore.

She asks the nurse: 'did I have a bay whilst in coma'?

'Yes' said the nurse, 'you in fact had twins, one boy and one girl.'

'Are they alright'? asked the woman.

'Yes they are alright now, but they were very weak when they were born. And since your brother was around at the time, we asked him for permission to christian the two kids and your brother decided on a name for the two children.'

The woman was slightly bewildered since she thought her brother was a down right dill and leaving it to him to choose a name for the kids could only end in disaster.

'Oh my god', the woman says, 'which name did he choose for the girl'?

The nurse says 'Denise'

'Oh well', the woman mumbles, 'that is not too bad, in fact its quite a nice name I like it.'

'And what name did he choose for the boy' the woman asks.

'Denephew' says the nurse.