Hi greekman,glad you enjoy them,i have a few friends who swap jokes,its good to laugh.

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.






He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'






The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'






Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.






There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:






One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.






The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'






The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'






To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'








LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)








Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.






'Why?' asks the father?






'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.






'But that's right!' says his dad.






'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''






'What's the fu***ing difference?' asks the father.






'That's what I said!'










LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH








Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'






RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'






Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'






Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'








LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)








One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.






First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'






'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.






'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'






She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.






'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!''






Hilarious.....
















LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER








Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'






Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'






The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f***ng business.










I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

You know you're going to send this on.

Unusual ending!

This looks so real, but it has to be faked.

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."

God Bless The Scots!

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,


when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:




'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

He also said, "Woman with skirt up runs faster than man with trousers down".

The Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.





To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

A couple were Christmas shopping.























The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.











She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, so she became worried and called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.











In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"











The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."











He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Beer Drinkers everywhere

A Jewish couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us having a sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medical insurance.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in a less than salubrious part of the city. It was raining and all the women of easy virtue were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.


Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......


A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets".


My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.


Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.


A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"


My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.


I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.


I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident, where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story..did you????

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed . With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:



Dear Mum & Dad,






It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend . I've found real





love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle





But it's not only that I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the country
side. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.





marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us





with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want .





In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better . He deserves it.





Don't worry about money . Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their





basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene





and an extra £100 for the donkey.





Don't worry Mum . Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can





meet your grandchildren.







Your loving daughter





Sarah



P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.





I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes!!!!!!!!!

Elton and David


They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.




"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"














The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...