A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock..'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop."You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around...."he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need."I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE..."I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having STEAK PIE!"

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=commedy%20three%20peeing&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DqqpcPEa2PV0&ei=v5bUULKdHYqK0AWdzoGwCw&usg=AFQjCNFM8mlo-gz3fg7Vfiixk_FvpgrHdg&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.d2k

Good vid, Mr Kirkham, put it on a link for others:
Very funny.

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to an attractive blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her,
he said: "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him and his balls for
a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity
any longer, she asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Alex Salmon walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.
>
> SALMON: "Good morning, Miss, would please cash this cheque for me?"
>
> CASHIER: "It would be a pleasure, sir" Could you please show me your ID?"
>
> SALMOND: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
> that there was any need to. I am Alex Salmon, the leader of the SNP
> and the First Minister of Scotland."
>
> CASHIER: "Yes,sir, I know who you are but with all the new regulations
> and monotoring of the banks and because of imposters and forgers etc, I
> must insist on seeing your ID."
>
> SALMOND: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
> you. Everyone knows who I am."
>
> CASHIER: "I'm sorry, Mr. Salmon, but these are the bank rules and I
> must follow them."
>
> SALMOND: "C'mon lassie, I urge you, please, just cash my cheque."
>
> CASHIER: "Look , Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.
> One day, Tiger Woods came into our bank without ID. To prove he was
> who he said he was, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot
> across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him as Tiger
> Woods and we then cashed his cheque."
>
> "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He
> pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot volleying a
> tennis ball into a cup. With that shot, we cashed his cheque."
>
> "So Mr. Salmond, what can we do to prove that it is you
> and only you?"
>
> SALMOND: Honestly, my mind is a complete blank...... there is nothing
> that comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have
> absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
>
> CASHIER: " Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Salmond?"
>
>
>

Lol!

Alf and his wife were fast asleep when the phone rang
and woke them both up. It was 2 am.

Alf picked up the phone, listened for a moment and growled:
"How should I know, it's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The wife said, "Who was that, darling?"

Alf replied: "No idea, honey, Some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."

You can't make it up! This picture with its accompanying article appeared in my local Northampton paper. :-)

http://arbroath.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/police-try-to-identify-woman-who.html

Was she a local woman or a Romanian gypsy? Police are trying to get to the very bottom of it.

Is it anyone you recognise? If so, why? How? When?

America?

Look VERY closely : It is a person !

Magic Sandals


A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,


but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of


the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,


their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours,


so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in


and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,


called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.


I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs


and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,


gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around


the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

Lol!

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....

the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

----- This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even
Though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
The road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a
Car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter
And without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. Only
To realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine
Wasn't on!!


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead
And saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
Life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
Through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with
Terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
Harmed him.


Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down
The road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
Ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
About the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was
Crying and....wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from
The stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
Breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
The bar, one said to the other...


"Look Paddy.....there's that f .king idiot that got in the
Car while we were pushing it!!!!"

A renowned cardiologist died and was given
a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had
worked for most of his life.

The centrepiece was a huge heart covered in flowers
which stood behind the casket during the service.
All the doctors from the hospital were awesruck.

After the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst out laughing.
As everyone stared at him, he said:
"I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!"

The priest fainted.

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in
this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:

"What part did you get?"