Alf and his wife were fast asleep when the phone rang
and woke them both up. It was 2 am.

Alf picked up the phone, listened for a moment and growled:
"How should I know, it's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The wife said, "Who was that, darling?"

Alf replied: "No idea, honey, Some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."

You can't make it up! This picture with its accompanying article appeared in my local Northampton paper. :-)

http://arbroath.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/police-try-to-identify-woman-who.html

Was she a local woman or a Romanian gypsy? Police are trying to get to the very bottom of it.

Is it anyone you recognise? If so, why? How? When?

America?

Look VERY closely : It is a person !

Magic Sandals


A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,


but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of


the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,


their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours,


so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in


and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,


called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.


I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs


and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,


gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around


the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

Lol!

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....

the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

----- This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even
Though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
The road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a
Car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter
And without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. Only
To realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine
Wasn't on!!


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead
And saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
Life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
Through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with
Terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
Harmed him.


Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down
The road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
Ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
About the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was
Crying and....wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from
The stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
Breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
The bar, one said to the other...


"Look Paddy.....there's that f .king idiot that got in the
Car while we were pushing it!!!!"

A renowned cardiologist died and was given
a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had
worked for most of his life.

The centrepiece was a huge heart covered in flowers
which stood behind the casket during the service.
All the doctors from the hospital were awesruck.

After the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst out laughing.
As everyone stared at him, he said:
"I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!"

The priest fainted.

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in
this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:

"What part did you get?"

Irish pickle factory


Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years
he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable
to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory
psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised
Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any
peace of mind.





The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary,
became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey
tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and
did it, and he was immediately fired.





Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked
down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact
penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about
the pickle slicer?"




Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

oooooh thats an old one...... Jethro days.,.

.......

"I have outlived my pecker."

A Poem - by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a moment when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

:-)

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife, Irene, and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" I leaned over, touched Irene's hand gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

And thus began my life of celibacy.

.