"I have outlived my pecker."

A Poem - by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a moment when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

:-)

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife, Irene, and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" I leaned over, touched Irene's hand gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

And thus began my life of celibacy.

.

DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

The most used word in the English language

Very good skinny.

lol skinny.,.

Coffee and Testicles



A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service!Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks,

"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..



Absolutely no point in you being here for that."

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

>A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a

> few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
> examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in
> season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke,
> a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
>Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
> any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
> approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
> for £500?
> Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
> over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
> offer, but only under four conditions:
> 1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
> agreed to this condition.
>2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The
> Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
>3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
> Once again it was agreed.
>4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
> come up wi' 500 quid"

When a woman wears a leather dress...



Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new Car !

http://Ultimate Dog Tease
Please see next post....thank you!

Try this:

being asked if it's ok to store things on my computer ain't no joke........

COFFEE

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he
sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again

Q. What's in between murder and suicide?

A. Hmmm? Is it Merseyside?

Golden Rules for Fishing with a Hand Grenade:



1. Pull the pin.

2. Throw it well away from the boat.

3. Net the stunned fish.



These guys forgot step 2.



I could watch it for hours....

Link not working Skinny..