Coffee and Testicles



A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service!Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks,

"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..



Absolutely no point in you being here for that."

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

>A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a

> few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
> examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in
> season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke,
> a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
>Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
> any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
> approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
> for £500?
> Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
> over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
> offer, but only under four conditions:
> 1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
> agreed to this condition.
>2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The
> Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
>3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
> Once again it was agreed.
>4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
> come up wi' 500 quid"

When a woman wears a leather dress...



Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new Car !

http://Ultimate Dog Tease
Please see next post....thank you!

Try this:

being asked if it's ok to store things on my computer ain't no joke........

COFFEE

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he
sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again

Q. What's in between murder and suicide?

A. Hmmm? Is it Merseyside?

Golden Rules for Fishing with a Hand Grenade:



1. Pull the pin.

2. Throw it well away from the boat.

3. Net the stunned fish.



These guys forgot step 2.



I could watch it for hours....

Link not working Skinny..

Fixed!

Brilliant. I think they were stunned!

*WARNING* The following video of the bull run in Pamplona, Spain, is graphic and violent.

What possesses these knuckleheads to participate in such lunacy?

How Spain Gets Rid of Stupid People

Regret to say it just about explains the state the country is in.
The Queen's Riddle



David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"



The Queen smiled and said to Charles,

"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !
And in a great rush he left.

David Cameron went back to Parliament
He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.

"Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,
"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;

"That's easy, it's me!"

Nick Clegg grinned, and said,
"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister
The Child is Nigel Farage !"

David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !
________________________________________________________________

Very good Skinny.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a damaged wall in an NHS hospital.

One is from Tottenham, another is from West Ham, and the third is from Luton. All three go with a senior NHS manager to examine the wall.

The Tottenham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will cost about £20,000. £10,000 for materials, £8,000 for the labour and £2,000 profit for me."

The West Ham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £15,000. £8,000 for materials, £6,000 for labour, and £1,000 profit for me."

The Luton contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the NHS manager and whispers, "£36,000."

The manager, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Luton contractor whispers back, "£8,000 for me, £8,000 for you, and we hire my mate's firm from Tottenham to fix the wall."

"Done!" replies the NHS manager.

*Stay Off Your Bicycle*

*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.


He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *

*The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week

Not the best pre referendum PR shot!