V funny Balerboy !

A Jew walks in to a pawn shop in West London very smartly dressed and says i'd like to borrow £8 for two weeks please ,
Ok says the money lender , does some calculations and says you will pay back one pound per week interest so providing you pay back in two weeks that will be £10 ,we also ask that you leave something of value .
Ok says the man i have a 2014 Rolls Royce out front, here are the keys .
The bemused shop owner takes the keys and the man leaves .
He returns in two weeks as agreed and takes a crisp tenner out of his wallet to clear the debt .
The money lender says your car is in our secure car park out back sir and hands him the keys , as he turns to go the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks , why would a man like you need to borrow £8 ?
The Jew turns and says ,i was going away for fortnight ,now where can i park a Rolls Royce in West London for two weeks for a tenner !

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON"
TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.

 
Stay......

 
I pulled into the parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

 
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,

 
(this is going to hurt - read on)

 


 
"Why don't you just put the brake on?"


 

HI dooglebug,

Very funny, just shows how true life can be funnier that fiction some times, mind you, its a good job you weren't looking at the blond and shouting, 'come come' instead of 'stay stay'.

Lol !

. wrong thread

After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
A chap called Craig notices green lumps
On his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
Union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Craig, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is a lovely lake
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- I swam across the lake, there were 2 smashing birds there so I made love to them both twice, had lunch and swam back again where I saw another lovely bird, I made love to her twice as well, now I'm relaxing and soaking up the sun.
Mabel --- Oh Tom you never did that with me in all the time we were together
Tom --- Well back then I wasn't a duck Mabel!
2517

A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is lots of lovely green grass to run around on.
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- Well, I had sex and then some breakfast. Then I had sex again. Then I ran around on the grass and had a sex a few more times. Then I had some lunch and some more sex. Afterwards I played on the grass and had some more sex with some of the girls until supper. After supper I had sex six more times and then went to bed for some more sex.
Mabel --- Oh Tom! I didn't realise it was like that in heaven!
Tom --- Heaven? Mabel, I'm a buck rabbit in Hertfordshire!

I guess there's many variations EL

The same couple prior to Tom's death.

One morning Tom got out of bed and went downstairs to find Mabel at the kitchen table, the table was in a terrible state. What's up Mabel? Nothing I'm just doing this 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a cockerel. That's not a jigsaw puzzle, that's a packet of cornflakes said Tom.
2517

ExecLine,

Substitute sand for grass and the same thing used to happen on a 18/30 holiday in Benidorm.

That Politician and Tragedy joke variation was posted here 2004, when the Politician was Geo Bush.

Don't forget to be as accurate as possible on your tax returns, apparently they are now cracking down. HMRC are now strict as to what they will and will not accept on tax returns. It appears I answered 1 question incorrectly.

Q - "Do you have anyone dependent upon you?"

R - "2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole European Commission."

HMRC stated that the response I gave was unacceptable.

I replied, "Who did I miss out?"

3 beautiful young ladies(a redhead,brunette and blonde)were sailing on a millionaires yacht,when a sudden squall overturned it.They managed to scramble into a life raft
and they were swept away,ending on a isolated desert island.
It was paradise,wall to wall sunshine,seas crystal clear,all the fresh water and food needed.They were content with their lot,while awaiting rescue.
Taking a morning stroll along the beach,when an large wave deposited a lantern,The redhead picked it up and began to rub it,when out comes a genie(surprise),who was rather shaken up,he thanked them for releasing him from his ordeal,which had lasted over 100years taking him around the globe many times,experiencing all the worse forms of weather.
To thank you i will grant you each a wish.
The redhead was first and said said how happy she was with a beach life and wanted a beach pad in California with lots of money, AWAY. The brunette as asked for similar but as a city girl a place in New York,AWAY.
Now the blonde is left,she looks around and gets confused,i feel so lonely.

I WISH I HAD NY FRIENDS BACK.

RTA in the USA:
"Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A drunk man who smelled of booze, sat down on a subway bench seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes Arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

> After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
>
> 'We must know that you willvfollow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'
>
> The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
>
> The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said,









'I had to kill him with the chair!'
>
>

Lol! So true skinny!

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."


Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.


The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"*



Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied.


"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."