A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is a lovely lake
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- I swam across the lake, there were 2 smashing birds there so I made love to them both twice, had lunch and swam back again where I saw another lovely bird, I made love to her twice as well, now I'm relaxing and soaking up the sun.
Mabel --- Oh Tom you never did that with me in all the time we were together
Tom --- Well back then I wasn't a duck Mabel!
2517

A couple married for 60 years went everywhere together doted on each other then he died, after 2 months and missing him greatly she wondered if she could contact on the other side. At the seance she managed to speak with him:-
Mabel --- How are you doing Tom?
Tom---I'm ok Mabel
Mabel --- What's it like there?
Tom --- Where I am there is lots of lovely green grass to run around on.
Mabel --- What have you done today?
Tom --- Well, I had sex and then some breakfast. Then I had sex again. Then I ran around on the grass and had a sex a few more times. Then I had some lunch and some more sex. Afterwards I played on the grass and had some more sex with some of the girls until supper. After supper I had sex six more times and then went to bed for some more sex.
Mabel --- Oh Tom! I didn't realise it was like that in heaven!
Tom --- Heaven? Mabel, I'm a buck rabbit in Hertfordshire!

I guess there's many variations EL

The same couple prior to Tom's death.

One morning Tom got out of bed and went downstairs to find Mabel at the kitchen table, the table was in a terrible state. What's up Mabel? Nothing I'm just doing this 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a cockerel. That's not a jigsaw puzzle, that's a packet of cornflakes said Tom.
2517

ExecLine,

Substitute sand for grass and the same thing used to happen on a 18/30 holiday in Benidorm.

That Politician and Tragedy joke variation was posted here 2004, when the Politician was Geo Bush.

Don't forget to be as accurate as possible on your tax returns, apparently they are now cracking down. HMRC are now strict as to what they will and will not accept on tax returns. It appears I answered 1 question incorrectly.

Q - "Do you have anyone dependent upon you?"

R - "2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole European Commission."

HMRC stated that the response I gave was unacceptable.

I replied, "Who did I miss out?"

3 beautiful young ladies(a redhead,brunette and blonde)were sailing on a millionaires yacht,when a sudden squall overturned it.They managed to scramble into a life raft
and they were swept away,ending on a isolated desert island.
It was paradise,wall to wall sunshine,seas crystal clear,all the fresh water and food needed.They were content with their lot,while awaiting rescue.
Taking a morning stroll along the beach,when an large wave deposited a lantern,The redhead picked it up and began to rub it,when out comes a genie(surprise),who was rather shaken up,he thanked them for releasing him from his ordeal,which had lasted over 100years taking him around the globe many times,experiencing all the worse forms of weather.
To thank you i will grant you each a wish.
The redhead was first and said said how happy she was with a beach life and wanted a beach pad in California with lots of money, AWAY. The brunette as asked for similar but as a city girl a place in New York,AWAY.
Now the blonde is left,she looks around and gets confused,i feel so lonely.

I WISH I HAD NY FRIENDS BACK.

RTA in the USA:
"Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A drunk man who smelled of booze, sat down on a subway bench seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes Arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

> After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
>
> 'We must know that you willvfollow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'
>
> The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
>
> The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
>
> The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said,









'I had to kill him with the chair!'
>
>

Lol! So true skinny!

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."


Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.


The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"*



Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied.


"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
​
"Yes", he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"
​ ​
"Yes", he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?", she asked.

"I can if I take two.", he said.

Blimey, Kim Old Boy!

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

if you can conquer tension without medical help,

if you can relax without alcohol,

if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


...then you are probably .........



The Family Dog!

The Day P Nis asked for a Raise
>
I hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

> I do physical labor.
> I work at great depths.
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> I work in a damp environment.
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> I work in high temperatures.
> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Nis

The Response:

Dear P Nis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
he following reasons:

> You do not work 8 hours straight.
> You fall asleep after brief work periods..
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
> You will retire well before you are 65.
> You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task.
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

If you can start the day without caffeine,

if you can always ignore aches and pains,

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

if you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

if you can conquer tension without medical help,

if you can relax without alcohol,

if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


...then you are probably .........











......INNER PRISON !

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister, unable to resist the urge to do a little shopping herself, bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly was handed the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

An Easy Explanation of the crisis In Italy & Greece

A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he
could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge
over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by
building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this
house could be built".

Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was
marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."