www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxNpDuLAHyQ

A man walks into bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets
him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'

The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then
another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!




The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'



'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

:o)

A few from The 2015 Edinburgh Festival:

Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan

Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Matt Winning

Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry. Juliet Meyers

Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. Jo Brand

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. Yianni

How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! Chris Dugdale

I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher. Harriet Kemsley

My mate and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates from. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along. Richard Gadd

My father grew up in this really racist part of Bradford, called Bradford. Unknown

My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. Kelly Kingham

They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. Jeff Green

My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx

My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza

Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis

If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith

Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan

Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh

I was going to scatter my father’s ashes but he was a big cricket fan so I thought I’d retain them. Alfie Moore

You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. Lou Sanders

I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. Tez Ilyas

I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine. Bridget Christie

After my grandfather’s funeral, I scattered his remains over the garden, which was horrible because he hadn’t been cremated. Thünderbards

My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion. Jo Brand

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. Chris Turner

I always like some of those from the Edinburgh festival .

When the first London Underground Station was opened, well, my aunt asked me, "What was the point of it? Where would anyone go?"

My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely that same time too.
It fell on her.

There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My aunt used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.

Which reminds me: What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

My mate Gav died last week after overdosing on heartburn medication.
I can't believe Gaviscon.

A cowboy rides into town, ties up his horse outside the saloon, walks in and orders a shot of whiskey. He downs it and walks out. He notices that his horse has gone so he goes back into the saloon, orders another whiskey and says "If my horse isn't returned by the time I've finished another drink the same thing will happen here as happened in Dodge City. Now, give me another shot of whiskey." He downs his drink and walks slowly out of the saloon; his horse is tied up at the rail again. Just as he is mounting to ride off, the barman come outside and asks "What did happen in Dodge City?" The cowboy replies "I had to walk home."

The New Politically Correct Royal Navy

The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.

Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.

But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.

It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".

So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."

His final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”

Lol!

I thought that was a true story until i saw you laugh Kim.

:o) I know what you mean, it could well be!

An older woman was doing her exercises in front of the mirror, admiring her figure.
"What are you looking at?" asked her husband.
"I'll have you know that my aerobics instructor says I have the chest of a 23 year old woman." she replied.
"Yeah?!" said her husband. "Well did he say anything about your 75 year old arse?"
"Why no dear," she said "we never talk about you."

An old man turned up at the offices of a large company one afternoon. "Hello I'm Ben Turner's uncle; I've come to ask if he can have the rest of the afternoon off so I can take him to the big match."

"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "we already gave him the afternoon off to attend your funeral."

As part of the ongoing "Everton In The Community Scheme"

Roberto Martinez took his team to the local dogs home and asked if they could walk the dogs.

The warden replied:=

"Your having a laugh! No way would we trust you shower with a lead"

Click on Trumpet

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

:-)