A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

There were three sisters:Annie,Nanny and Fanny.
Annie and Nanny wore size 10 shoes and fanny took a 12
One evening the three girls where in a nightclub.A guy who was dancing with Annie
and Nanny remarked at what big feet they had.
"that's nothing" said Annie "wait 'till you see the size of our Fanny's.








Feet

South Africa.
A Guy is working down in the mine when there is a terrible accidentand his leg is blown off
His buddy comes to see him the next day and asks "how's it going"
"Not good mate, who do you know who'd want a one leg'ed gold digger?

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f**ked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"


His mate replies:-


"Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END.

THE UK VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in
his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The
British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the
Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single
Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Hard Work
demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian
cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them
singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBi company, funded by
the EU (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory
purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a
commission of enquiry, that will cost 10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on
the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of
immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's
multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a heroin/prostitution operation
and terrorize the community.

THE END.

Wrong thread. This thread is clearly labelled jokes, not factual reporting of everything that is wrong with Britain.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

Cheese and onion sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager.

Landlord says ...... "sorry sir, we don't serve food"

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Electronics-photography/Other/auction-36725938.htm

Contract For Females
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and p****d away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one, tell you that you're the best and ask you if I can get you a cigar.


Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a long pin.


Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.


Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific algorithm, incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault Even if I wasn't there.


Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.


Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.


Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.


Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.


Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your pe*is a "cute" nickname like Billy, the Big Bopper or Tiny Tim.


Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.


Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.


Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.


Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.


Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.


Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."


Section 6.01 After we split up, I will try to set you up with my best friend who you have always wanted. Hey, we can still be friends.


Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*...


Section 7.01 ...With the exception of the following household items:
iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.


Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.



Signed ____________________________________ (female)

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney because of a very sensitive poem Sir Paul wrote soon after they met.................................



As i lay upon the grassy bank my body all a quiver

I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.......................................



Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why he wrote such truth , I'm stumped."



She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.


"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "She will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this."





It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement has been signed his lawyers believe she won't have a leg to stand on.


Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".


Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause."Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless."


Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main present never came.

M?

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b ) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"*#+*in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm #*+*in sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


"Because he lives in a *#*+in clock!"

Nice to have a laugh, well done Bernard.

When my wife gave birth she was sweating, shouting, 'Aarghh it's too big, get it out!' She wasn't saying that during the conception!

.

He probably wasn't there! :-)

.

lol skinny.