Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

It would have been a lot simpler for her just to get the instruction booklet out of the filing cabinet and sort the problem out rather than going to the trouble of borrowing another machine. It is not as if it was difficult. Now, of course, she is in a bad mood as she knows that soon everyone will know about it! Apparently it is supposed to be all my fault since I didn't jump when she whistled "months ago" instead of suggesting that she looked at the instruction booklet.

What is it with women and vacuum cleaners? My wife seems to want a new one every six months. Last time she got one she then decided to vacuum the garage which was full of lots of heavy duty dirt. I told her a broom might be better but that was too much trouble. Of course didn't take long for the new vacuum to break as I had suspected. I was then expected to call up the manufacturer and complain and request a replacement while lying through me teeth. World war three when I refused and told her to do as she was the one that had broken it when I told her to use a broom.

As I suspected, the trail leads back to put the ball firmly in your court. If you had made the right investments to enable you to live the money is no object life style, you would invite the purveyors of the best machines to attend your stately pile and demonstrate to the domestic goddess thence allowing her to select whichever her heart desires. myself I would head to Argos post haste before you find your dinner in the dog!!
Would somebody out there come out with a guesstmate what is happening to Ortac otc??

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Nah need to make sure she keeps busy during the day. She already spends enough time out shopping and lunching with friends while I am slogging away at the computer.

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He wasn't joking!

I have the computer on at around 7:00 a.m. for the morning RNS output while the wife is rarely up much before 10:00.

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Why don't you switch your computer off at night?

A simple question.

Osborne's latest attempt to penalise the banks, seems to me, aimed more at the shareholders, than at the director's "falsely" earned bonuses.

Many of the shareholders have small holdings only and were relying on them for retirement pension, via a "safe" dividend.

Perhaps. would it be more reasonable to raise income tax on bonuses above 0.5m?

Just a thought, but it does seem a little like more PR from the ruling bunch.

(I would buy anything they advertise.:~)

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff coppied it, as it made her laugh all day.


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London.

I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one, AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Can anybody remind me of the highest CPI under Maggie?



Just want to prepare for the future.

Citizens Dave and Os. have to watch out.





I hear that No 10 have just bought a cat as a rat catcher.

Here's the car I learnt to drive in. Great fun, basic but really practical and comfortable:

50 years of the Renault 4

Hi Seymour,

Thanks for bringing back fond memories.
By the way is that you being carried in the background.
For myself, I learned in a 1952 Ford Prefect. When you went round a corner it took about 1 mile to settle back level on its springs.
Always remember the vacuum windscreen wipers that almost stopped when going up a steep hill, but went like the clappers coming down.
And heating.
My dad fitted it out with a central heating system by piping hot water all the way round the interior from the radiator. It must have been the first Ford Prefect with heating!
If we had had a bad crash, no doubt any fire would have been put out by the ruptured water system, but we would have probably been scalded to death.
I wonder what health and safety would have said about that.
As for getting lucky in the back, well I will leave that to anyone who knows a female contortionist who is both small and easily pleased.
Have I mentioned the in car entertainment system, O'h yes in the last sentence.

A'h, those were the days, belting down the road in top gear (3rd) about 55mph or 60 if lucky enough to have a following wind.

Strange thing is, the distance from my then home in Nottingham to Mapplethorpe took around 2 hours, about the same as now.

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain

If no 10 has a rat catcher there will be nobody left in the place!! My first drive was an Austin A40 Somerset which would hit a bump and still be bouncing when you arrived home, Mother would complain of feeling sick in the back, but that may have been my attempts at driving?? Who is watching OTC ?? KERCHIIIIIING

Another email scam :

Post Express Service. Package is available for pickup! NR1425

if only all the people who devote their lives to scams were to put their talents to good use.

Could say the same about people who trade the stock market.