Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff coppied it, as it made her laugh all day.


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London.

I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one, AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Can anybody remind me of the highest CPI under Maggie?



Just want to prepare for the future.

Citizens Dave and Os. have to watch out.





I hear that No 10 have just bought a cat as a rat catcher.

Here's the car I learnt to drive in. Great fun, basic but really practical and comfortable:

50 years of the Renault 4

Hi Seymour,

Thanks for bringing back fond memories.
By the way is that you being carried in the background.
For myself, I learned in a 1952 Ford Prefect. When you went round a corner it took about 1 mile to settle back level on its springs.
Always remember the vacuum windscreen wipers that almost stopped when going up a steep hill, but went like the clappers coming down.
And heating.
My dad fitted it out with a central heating system by piping hot water all the way round the interior from the radiator. It must have been the first Ford Prefect with heating!
If we had had a bad crash, no doubt any fire would have been put out by the ruptured water system, but we would have probably been scalded to death.
I wonder what health and safety would have said about that.
As for getting lucky in the back, well I will leave that to anyone who knows a female contortionist who is both small and easily pleased.
Have I mentioned the in car entertainment system, O'h yes in the last sentence.

A'h, those were the days, belting down the road in top gear (3rd) about 55mph or 60 if lucky enough to have a following wind.

Strange thing is, the distance from my then home in Nottingham to Mapplethorpe took around 2 hours, about the same as now.

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain

If no 10 has a rat catcher there will be nobody left in the place!! My first drive was an Austin A40 Somerset which would hit a bump and still be bouncing when you arrived home, Mother would complain of feeling sick in the back, but that may have been my attempts at driving?? Who is watching OTC ?? KERCHIIIIIING

Another email scam :

Post Express Service. Package is available for pickup! NR1425

if only all the people who devote their lives to scams were to put their talents to good use.

Could say the same about people who trade the stock market.

Said it. 8-)

I consider my level of trading as doing my bit for charity as i certainly havent made any money at it!!

Seem to be talking to myself on the GFM thread,so i thought i might as do so here. An excellent presentation imho.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sharecrazytv#p/u/18/ltrO891qGU4

Visa / MasterCard FRAUD

Just a heads up for everyone regarding the latest in Visa fraud. Royal Bank received this communication about the newest scam. This is happening in southern Alberta right now and moving.

This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want..

Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it.

This information is worth reading. The scam works like this:

Person calling says - 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460, Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona ?' When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?' You say 'yes'.

The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud Investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security. You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?'

Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works - The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card'. He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the last 3 are the Security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the last 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?'

After you say no, the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do', and hangs up. You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number.
On contacting the REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card. We made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card. Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master Card directly for verification of their conversation..

The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit; however, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.

MasterCard' are subject to an indentical scam, with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA Scam.
The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! It appears that this is a very active scam, and evidently quite successful.

I have a password which i have to type in before a online order is completed.

Hi Aldwick,

Same here, although it obviously would not help with telephone orders, although they could of course use a password for such orders.
In an average week, I receive about 3 e-mails that are clearly fraud. Those of the type, 'Urgent, you have xxxx waiting, must reply immediately' or 'security alert'.
I have often thought of replying as a wind up such as someone featured on TV a few days ago did, giving all false details but not sure if this would reap more of such e-mails.
Anyone any experience of winding up these rip off merchants?

GM, swamping such sites could work,just think of all the time and effort req to check out 10k,100k or even 1m e-mails and details.That against the few who actually fall for such scams?

A ref in general to commodity future demand.

http://www.bloomberg.com/video/67100110/

I get more like 3 a day rather than 3 a weel!

Oh dear! I wonder if this might mean the end of my 1% Egg Card cashback and also the '1 year extra warranty on electrical appliances' perk? And also, what might happen to that excellent little Egg computer product, 'Your Money'?

Barclaycard to buy 1.15 million Egg customers
Helen Knapman
News Reporter
1 March 2011

More than one million Egg credit card holders will become Barclaycard customers later this year.

Banking giant Barclays today announced it has struck a deal to acquire all Egg's 1.15 million credit card users.

The switch to Barclays's plastic arm, Barclaycard, which is subject to regulatory approval, follows an agreement with Egg owner Citi.

Anyone with an Egg Card or Egg Money card will be sent a Barclaycard when the roll-out begins in November.

However, spokespeople from both Barclaycard and Egg say it is too early to determine what credit cards and deals will be offered to them.

The fear is Egg Money customers may lose the 1% cashback payment plus a year's extended warranty on electrical goods they currently get.

A Citi spokesman says: "Citi is committed to working with Barclays on a seamless transfer of the customer accounts, ensuring continuation of the high level of service to which customers are accustomed."

The credit card portfolio is the largest part of Egg, which opened for business in 1998 as one of the UK's first internet-only banks.

Other Egg customers with savings, insurance, loan and mortgages products are unaffected.