Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

US RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could fly a jumbo jet.

This is me.


Bought more than a smile to my face, copied and sent to many friends.
Why not copy it to the joke for today thread.

Regards Greek

Well done This is me, highly amusing. Like greekman brought more than a smile to my face.

Yes very funny T I M

All this talk about bringing in a top USA cop to sort things out is ridiculous.

All thats required is for the powers that be is to allow our top cops to police how things should be done, allowing of course for these top cops to be 'real police officers' and not political followers as most of them now are.
Also the courts and prisons should get back to punishment being the priority, then so called rehabilitation.
We should get rid of the bleeding heart liberal lawmakers.

We keep hearing about 'Zero tolerance' in the USA!
When I first became a Police Officer in 1977, we had zero tolerance, but we did not call it that, we did not call it anything, it was just 'proper policing'.
It was zero tolerance couple with good old fashioned discretion.

I appreciate I have mentioned several of my following comments previously, but it was some time ago.

Public order offenses were always dealt with the next day. I will not go into the paperwork trail we have now days, but I will mention just 2 examples of idiotic decisions made in my own force (again I mentioned these a few months ago but they are almost unbelievable in there ridiculousness), but they are true.

You really could not make these up.
They belong in a script from 'The Thin Blue Line' comedy.

Several years ago our Chief Constable decided to employ a 'force poet', whose job it was to compose a poem that would relate to police incidents of the day. He was employed for almost a year. The idea was that it could have a calming influence on police officers and would relieve any stress (It did not relieve my stress, it really wound me up).
No doubt he could have had great fun with the riots.

Our next Chief Constable allowed the sending of Xmas cards to offenders (look this is serious, so stop laughing).

Some no doubt high ranking police officer either came up with the idea or at least authorized it, but last Xmas it was decided that Xmas cards would be sent out (presumably by first class post) to the top 200 prolific criminals urging them to embrace the Xmas spirit and refrain from crime during the festive season (no I am not making this up).

No doubt all these cards achieved was to give these villains a laugh and make the police a laughing stock.
You can just imagine these cards being flashed round the local pubs.

No doubt there are hundreds of similar examples.

These decision makers should have been sacked for grass stupidity.

And the politicians wonder why we are in such a mess.

So I reiterate...........We don't need outsiders. We need to allow the proper police officers to get on with the job. Get rid of all or almost all the health and safety rules, most of the paperwork, give the courts and prisons real teeth and get back to allowing the police to police instead of them being social workers.

As to the top bosses, some of the best I have known will never reach the highest rank purely because they won't tow the political line.
They speak as they find. They say what needs saying, 2 of the worse moves in any climb for promotion.
In my career several times I was told that I would not achieve higher promotion due to being too blunt in what I said and wrote.
Many times at briefing, when the officer in charge asked if there were any questions/comments I would speak up
Many times I stated bluntly that 'if we do it like that, it wont work' and usually it didn't.

As for public order, high ranking police officers who would be in overall charge of riots, would complete a couple of hours token training, so they would be qualified.

Usually it was down to our rank (I was sergeant t the time) to hold their delicate hands throughout. Most were on the fast track system (in most cases yet another waste of time). These fast tracks do more to turn out politically correct leaders than anything.
I must add that some of the best bosses I ever worked with came though this system, but the numbers were minimal.

As a footnote.

During my career I passed all police type exams, courses.
Those I did fail (well you can't fail them but I did get called in for 'Advice' were

1 Gypsy culture course.
2 Cultural diversity course.
3 Sexual equality course (I had fun with that one)
4 Risk assessment course.
I often said, you can't sit there thumb in mouth whilst others are at risk, you need to decide quick. Do you go in or don't you.

OK rant over.

Heard a fed up resident call the rioters "Ferrel Rats" What a good description? The do gooders of this world have nurtured this brave new society of ours and now we all reap the benefits, me i say jail the parents and send the little scroats to where the real action is, minus hoods of course???Did anybody see the little creep coming out of the court grinning away and making full of bravado comments. going to court did him some good?? I think 5 years inside or 3 in the army for any of them convicted, They didnt riot they stole and pillaged.

Northampton Chronicle & Echo
Friday 12 August 2011 07:32

SILVERSTONE Circuit has submitted detailed plans for new business and technology parks, an education campus and three hotels that would create thousands of new jobs.

The circuit, home to the British Grand Prix, put in a comprehensive outline planning application to Aylesbury Vale District Council and South Northants Council yesterday.

The proposal, described as the next step in securing the future of the circuit, included the following:

- A business park up to the size of 122,519 sq m

- Three hotels up to 39,847 sq m

- A technology park up to 62,662 sq m

- An education campus up to 34,658 sq m

- Ancillary retail and spectator facilities, including a welcome centre and a museum of motorsport, up to 61,964 sq m

- Improved leisure and event spaces, including a kart track and outdoor stage

- Other ancillary development, including landscape works, grandstands, hardstanding and support paddock, bridge and tunnel to improve pedestrian flows, a new point of access, supporting infrastructure and demolition.

A spokesman for the circuit said the development of the masterplan for Silverstone Circuit would help demonstrate the potential of the site as one of the most important economic assets in southern England.

The development would create around 8,400 permanent jobs in the firms and activities attracted to the site, plus an average of around 550 construction jobs per year throughout the development phase. At least 4,800 of these jobs are likely to be entirely new to the area, he said.

Stuart Rolt, chairman of the British Racing Drivers Club, said: The submission of this planning application is a big step forward in releasing the commercial potential of Silverstone and its 760-acre estate.

Richard Phillips, managing director of Silverstone Holdings Ltd, said: This is the most important initiative that Silverstone has taken in its 60-year history. Approval of this planning application will help maintain Silverstones position as a leading global centre for sport, leisure, education and technology.

A final decision on the plans will be made in the future.

BB
Feral.

How many of you are left-handed?

Tomorrow is International Left-handers day.

I am left-handed as was my grandfather. He had his left arm tied behind his back at school and was beaten if he used it to write.

Around ten per cent of the worlds population is left- handed - thats 640 million-odd people - and there are so many famous lefties whole websites have been set up to list them all.

A bizarrely high percentage of US presidents are southpaws, including Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan. Ditto ace tyrants Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Napoleon.
In the acting world Robert De Niro and Nicole Kidman use their left hands, as do sports stars Pele, John McEnroe and Mike Tyson. Art giants Michelangelo and Leonardo Di Vinci were also left-handed.

No wonder lefties have a reputation for being rather special.

.

Haystack,

Bloody typical, you lefties although being in the minority, have a day all to yourself whilst us normal people are left out.
I am about to pen a strongly worded letter to the 'Court of Human rights' to see if I am entitled to compensation under the equal rights act, as I am now traumatised due to hurt feelings.

OK I know the above was posted in jest, but then I got to thinking. Why not give it a go, who knows I might even win.

As a man you are twice as likely to be a lefty as a woman. So I also intend to assist my wife in making a claim under the Sexual Equalities act, as she is less likely than a man to be able to celebrate lefty day (do you get a day off work, a commemorative medal or something)

Scientific Left Handed Facts

Make up between 5% and 10% of the population (depending on who you ask)
More likely to have allergies
More prone to migraines
More likely to be insomniacs
Use the right side of the brain the most
Three times more likely to become alcoholics the right side of the brain has a lower tolerance to alcohol!
More likely to be on extreme poles of the intelligence scale
Tend to reach puberty 4 to 5 months later than right handers
More likely to suffer stuttering and dyslexia
Twice as likely to be a man
Better at 3D perception and thinking
Better at multi-tasking
Live on average 9 years less than right handed people
More likely to be homosexual

So if you are left handed you are more likely than a righty to be an allergic male, migraine suffering insomniac who is a drunk. Either very intelligent or extremely dim, sexually immature for longer, who is dyslexic and can watch a footy match on TV whilst knitting. You are more likely to be homosexual who doesn't receive a telegram from the queen (well not that queen anyway)

Looking at all the pros and cons, I'm glad I'm a righty.

Haystack and other lefties.
Please don't report me to the political correct police, as I am sure you know us righties cant help feeling superior, just as I am sure that a few of you are normal, honest decent human beings.

Greek.

.

Mnamreh,

You got me there. I am now wondering how ambidextrous people get on.
If you follow the list above I can only conclude that they must be at least cross dressers. I will say no more.

Well maybe just a little angry!

As a left handed man, which side of the bed do you 'lefties' sleep with your partner and why?

I am a right handed man and sleep on the right side of the bed. I can then put my left hand around my partner and this leaves my right hand free to turn out the bedroom light before I go to sleep.

I tried it the other way round, but I could not reach the light switch without having to get out of bed. Then I would get lost on the way back. Well, mostly.

Execline,

I must admit I read your post with trepidation approaching the part, " and this leaves my right hand free to".

What I can't understand is why YOU switch the light off, surely that is one of your wifes jobs.
As to myself, I sleep between them both. There I go again having that annoying dream about identical twins. Go on admit it, I bet you have all dreamed that one.

If only, if only!

Greek :-)

Greek

No. Funnily enough I have not had that dream.

I absolutely know and would put good money on it, that everyone on this board would love you to tell us about it.

:-)

No fear. You must know by now that I am the perfect gentleman and would never be a kiss and tell merchant, even if it was only a dream.

Have a good weekend all.

CAMERON NEEDS 'PROPER MORALS'
David Cameron has identified the causes of the riots and looting this week in Britain. It is a lack of responsibility, which comes from a lack of proper parenting, a lack of proper upbringing, a lack of proper ethics, a lack of proper morals. It is as much a moral problem as a political problem, he has said. (Also see below for that section of his comments.)

We must give him full marks for stating the blindingly obvious. People behave well for one of two reasons; either they have the fear of God before their eyes, or the fear of the long arm of the law. In other words, either an internal or an external moral compass is necessary for good behaviour.

But who defines 'good behaviour'? Can we all agree that looting shops is wrong? Someone is bound to say that by profiteering on dairy products the supermarkets are stealing from us. Someone else will point to the way Members of Parliament milked the expenses system. If something was within the rules, was it morally right? David Cameron thinks forcing African countries to legalise sodomy is morally right. He believes the deliberate killing of a helpless infant in its mother's womb is morally acceptable, but agrees with Canon Giles Fraser (who also thinks sodomy is morally right) that robbing a Malaysian student, Mohammed Ashraf Haziq, caught up in the riots by pretending to help him is morally wrong.

Were those who did such a thing convinced they were right, or wrong? Do they know the difference between right and wrong, and who defines it for them? Years ago, an advert for Pepe Jeans carried the line: 'I know the difference between right and wrong; I prefer wrong.' But we may have moved on even from that amoral outburst. For someone, what is held to be wrong by a majority may be thought right for them. Such is moral relativism, or post-modern thinking, and we can now see where it leads. In a sense, the lawlessness which has so shocked us in recent days has been brewing for a decade - or for even longer.

David Cameron blames the parents ('a lack of proper parenting, a lack of proper upbringing'), but does he realise that 50% of children are growing up in Britain without their natural father?

Who is responsible for that if it isn't the politicians who legalised no-fault divorce on demand in the 1960s, legalised sodomy and pornography, brought in moral-free sex education around the same time and pushed condoms at teenagers just because they hated Christian morality?

And who is equally responsible if not the present Coalition Government which allows all of that to continue on its life-destroying way, not seeing any of it as an offence against 'proper morals'?

What does David Cameron expect single mums to do when confronted by an aggressive teenager or a younger child who threatens to call childline or social services if she so much as lays a finger on him? Instead of trying to undermine African morality he should be learning from those societies where respect for elders, in keeping with the Biblical model, still exists.

Our society needs proper morals, but where are these found if not in the pages of Holy Scripture? Who defines proper morality if not Almighty God? Atheist activists have forced God out of public life to the extent that to express a Christian viewpoint is to run the risk of dismissal from a public sector job - or the Conservative Party.

Without God, there can be no objective right or wrong. Atheist relativism means the rioter has as much right to his morality as Cameron has to his or me to mine. Without God, there is no solid rock from which any politician can criticise anyone else.

Yes, we suffer from a lack of proper morals, but David Cameron shows no evidence of diagnosing that he and his political pals are as much in need of it as the robbers of poor Mohammed Ashraf Haziq. Nor that he and his moral relativism is a huge part of what he describes as the sickness of Britain.