Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Don't forget to add the cost of translating from CHAV and Rap street talk to English.

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Well, you are a pundit Exec!

Q. How do you confuse an Archaeologist?
A. Give him a Tampon and ask him what period it was from.

How do you confuse an Irish builder?
Show him two shovels and ask him to take his pick.

How do you get an Irish man to burn his ear?
Telephone him when he is irioning.

Life in the Australian Army....

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Susan

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

That's 99.9 % of us on here.

Hmmm? Had I better edit that bit out then?

Here's another joke:

.

Daddy , how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
Will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:









'You got Male!"

A 70-year-old man who reportedly looted a Sainsburys is the oldest person to be arrested so far in connection with the riots that swept across London two weeks ago.

Police said that the pensioner was held in relation to the incident in Ealing, West London - the same area where 68-year-old Richard Mannington Bowes was killed after he was attacked while confronting a group of rioters setting fire to two industrial bins.

A spokesman told Yahoo! News that the man was let off with a caution.

The elderly man who is not being named by police is one of thousands of people to have been arrested in relation to the disorder and violence that spread through the capital a fortnight ago.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman is quoted in The Mirror as saying: This man was deeply ashamed of himself and it was decided it wasnt in the public interest to lock him up.

Police have said that the oldest person charged in connection with disorder was John Maughan, 63, from Camden, north London, who was charged on 12 August with handling stolen goods.

The youngest person arrested for looting during the riots is 11-years-old.

At 70 years old he should have known better.
If the courts are saying that juveniles doing the crime should receive some form of punishment, then I would have given him at least some community service.
Also he should have been named and so called shamed.
No sympathy.

It as to be case by case , what did he loot a M&S sandwich ? Would he do the crime again would it be worth the tax payers money to charge him and take up more police time and the court's

No doubt he would have pleaded guilty.
As to would he do the crime again and could it have been something like a sandwich, I don't know, but a community service should have been a minimum.
It has been said, quite rightly, that even a minor theft at the time of the riots, should be treated more seriously as it was a joint enterprise, either by being jointly involved or because of the mass involvement.

I wonder if he would have been 'ashamed' if he had not been caught!

I know he is 70 - but it would be quiet clever to steal an M&S sarnie from Sainsbury at any age :-)

But more difficult from Lidl

.

I was simply alluding to the fact that he was caught looting in Sainsbury!

I hadn't read about that case so i didn't know any detail's , just used the M&S sandwich as an example