Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/news/article-2027231/Sarkozy-Merkel-plot-13bn-tax-raid-UK-save-euro.html

The Urine test (This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a lot of sense!)



I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.

Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?

Illegal Immigrants Poem




I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.


Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.'

Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money.
Thanks to you, you British dummy!

Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
And buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,

'Find more immigrants for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.





Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.



We have hobby, it's called breeding.Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for British race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Afghanistan !

Species count put at 8.7 million

The natural world contains about 8.7 million species, according to a new estimate described by scientists as the most accurate ever.

But the vast majority have not been identified - and cataloguing them all could take more than 1,000 years.

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Yes - I guess many will be extinct before they are ever discovered!

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When algorithms control the world


If you were expecting some kind warning when computers finally get smarter than us, then think again.

There will be no soothing HAL 9000-type voice informing us that our human services are now surplus to requirements.

In reality, our electronic overlords are already taking control, and they are doing it in a far more subtle way than science fiction would have us believe.

Their weapon of choice - the algorithm.

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

I don't think Nick Helm should have won ,the second one was more funny and the Sarah Millican joke was one of the worse.

Worker ballooned after high-pressure air hose 'accidentally lodged in his backside'

State fat cats pocket 250,000 payoffs: 800 staff of 'wasteful and bureaucratic' quangos share 23MILLION in redundancy bonanza

Nice one Prescott!

Net migration total up by a fifth

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/paul-vallely-dont-moan-about-supermarkets-ndash-act-2333125.html

What is it about Austria?

Police in Austria have arrested a man suspected of imprisoning and sexually abusing his two daughters in his village home over 40 years.

The man, now 80, denies the abuse, which allegedly began when one girl was aged 12 and the other four.

Police say the case was reported in May, when the daughters escaped after one reportedly knocked over the father as he tried to rape her.

Now aged 53 and 45, they were both found to have "mental deficiencies".

He is suspected of imprisoning, beating and sexually abusing his daughters in the village of St Peter am Hart, near the north Austrian town of Braunau.

Police believe he repeatedly threatened to kill them with a pitchfork and a stick.

The women were apparently allowed limited contact with the outside world but intimidated into not speaking about their alleged ordeal.

They were kept in the kitchen and made to sleep on a bench.

They are now receiving help from the authorities.

The mother of the house, who died three years ago, was allegedly also abused.

Residents of St Peter am Hart spoke of their shock at the news of the alleged abuse to the Austrian newspaper Krone.

Fresh air and strudels?

Tracking Hurricane Irene

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One August, on vacation in Florida, we got a knock on our room door at around 3am.

It was the Resort Manager, who said, "Sorry folks, but everyone has to evacuate to the mainland becasue of the hurricane." So off we went to spend two nights sleeping at a school desk inside Sarasota High School to watch the palm trees flattening through the windows.

His visit wasn't entirely unexpected because, as we had gone to bed, the Sarasota area had gone from 'Hurricane Watch' to 'Hurricane Alert'. We were staying at a resort on the beach and outside the Gulf of Mexico sea was as as rough as hell and totally unsafe to even paddle in, never mind swim. Also the sky was absolutely full of individual 'cotton wool ball clouds', which were streaming along all ina whole sky full of parallel rows. This was quite an amazing sight.

We had intended to travel north and go up to the Orlando area for the second week of our holiday and we didn't come out of the high school until one day later than we had originally scheduled to leave the area.

We noticed there were still lots of parallel streams of cotton wool ball clouds, but they were now streaming the exact opposite direction. If you think about it, this meant that the spinning hurricane, with its 120mph winds, had by now travelled over the area and moved on somewhere else. It had actually gone north west out over the G of M.

We left the high school to go on our journey and the whole place was littered with damage and debris and occasional uprooted trees.

As we travelled north on highway 'I-75' we were just about the only people on the road. When we arrived in the Orlando area there had been hardly any experience in that area of any hurricane, other than just quite strong winds and yet we had been quite necessarily detained for good safety reasons back down in Sarasota.

This was about 30 or so years ago and my memory is now fading of the experience. I am a bit annoyed with myself because I can't even remember the name of the hurricane.

However, I can remember very clearly that it is just about totally impossible to walk in the open air, when the wind is blowing at around 120mph. I can also clearly remember, that even if you could, it wouldn't be a very good idea, because you are highly likely to get whacked around the head by a flying tree.