Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

It was def worth it. The person in question wont go near my ex and my kids now cos he thinks im some kind of lunatic. I must be to some degree cos I post on here. He is doing community service for other things but has not showed up and is gonna end up inside soon cos my probation officer is also his and he has had enough of him now.
One of my favourite sayings 'good things come to those who wait'

Would I do it again??
Under the same curcumstances I would think about my actions first but if my kids got hurt then I would do what I had to to protect them.

Prepare yourselves - this is awful

"Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

his head down and started walking briskly home.

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

>BUMP........

The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

>BUMP.... BUMP.......

>BUMP........BUMP.......

>BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

heard the coffin speed up after him ...

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

its chase ..

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door .

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

bathroom door flew off its hinges .

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

terrified lad.

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

the coffin ... still it came .

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

came......

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it .

The coffin stopped."

Good man.
Just wait two years first!!

Was that joke really worth the effort?

Best read after a few drinks !!!

Best read after a few chloroforms!!

So why did the coffin stop when he threw the Benelyn cough mixture at it?? Did the coffin slip over on it?? He would of done better throwing a tub of vaseline at it.

Now now wilbs

This might be familiar to some of you

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
andrun Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested.

going to be a slow day I think

Classic bhunt !!

Very slow day.
Brilliant post Baza. Even now it is winging its way around the world as an e-mail to may pals.
Alan

Anyone help , iv'e lost my watch lists , i tried to edit one of them and when i press continue it just comes back blank.
Now i can't get any of them.

I phoned moneyam ,done now thanks..

jimmy's talking to himself again.

Glad iv'e got those back don't know what i'd do without them,, do you Jim ,,

no i don't ,,feel much better now,,

that's good mate see you later,,

ok bye..

Oh my God. It's worse than I thought. Jimmy not only thinks he is Jimmy and Wilbs, he now thinks Jimmy and Jimmy are two seperate people.
Is there such a word as Tertiaphrenic??

Does anyone like my new table I just bought??

You'll never get it assembled, Wilbs, with instructions from Ikea.
If you need help, or to borrow a tool, just stick it on the board. I'm sure you'll get the odd volunteer.
Alan

What a fantastic table , i want one ,the only thing wrong is ,it doesn't have a magazine rack underneath and if you look at it you could cut yourself on the end.