Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Well I never! Guys, don't listen to him. I'm not after a new coat, I'm after A coat. I Dont possess one at all, and it's bloody freezing.
He drives round in a jag and all i'm asking for is a 40 coat!!!!
Believe you me, he will wish he wasn't going to football tomorrow.I will make him suffer now, the Bxxxxxx.
H

H , for once i think Al's telling the truth ,,iv'e never met a woman who says ,,That's really nice ,i'll have that one ,it's 40 ..

OOOPPPSSSSS!!!!
Just got back to the PC and see the wife has read my posts. Possible tactical error there in the war of the sexes.
My feelings now are very similar to those of a Trafalgar Square pigeon, who has just been told Nelson has climbed down from his column and was last seen entering a shop and buying 15 boxes of 12 Bore cartridges.
This is not going to be a good weekend.
Alan

Just a thought Guys.
I will be in the players lounge tommorow, after the match and I was wondering if that would be a good time to tell Lee Bowyer what I had overheard Kieron Dyer saying about him.
Any suggestions as to what I could tell him I heard would be gratefully received.
You've no idea how much I'm looking forward to that.
Alan

alan , you could give alan shearer his dummy back, the one he spat out when he was "accidently " elbowed in the face. oh how the country cheered!!!!

Watch out for me on match of the day. I'll be the one hanging out of a box window, shining a moonie for the BBC cameras!!
Or possibly the one getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly.
Or perhaps the one standing in front of the brass band at half time, loudly sucking a lemon.
Have you any idea how hard it is to play the tuba with someone sucking a lemon in front of you?
The resultant noise can only be desribed as Glissendo Fart for Water Buffalo.
It always gets a laugh at our local park bandstand.
Alan

blimey alan, that would really confuse me!! i mean, what if i'm watching match of the day tomorrow and i see a big ass next to alan hansen. i wont know if it's you pulling a moonie .......or if it's just mark lawrensen!!!!

Jimmy I have bought a coat this morning. Origional price 40 discounted to 30, not bad eh, i'm not like other women you see. I keep telling Alan, he's very lucky to have me. :)
H

H well done ,,have you got a sister ??

Yes I have ! but she can spend, ask her husband! She doesn't have Alan to answer too, I DO. I'm a good girl. Ask Alan i always aim to please!! :)
H

Well I'm back from the corporate hospitality at the Newcastle v Aston Villa match, and what can I report?
Limp and uninspired, lacking in imagination, enthusiasm and integrity. A complete shambles that someone should lose their job over. It was an insipid display of absolute mediocracy from start to finish. I have seen much better from local pub teams. And that was just the catering. The football was worse!!
22 men who couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo, and wouldn't dare try and tackle for fear of catching dandruff from the opposition and losing their modelling contracts.
Tis a good job they backed out of tackles for the referee was of the type that would book a defender for getting too close to an attacker, and actually blew the whistle more frequently than I breathed.
Now going to Newcastle, I expected blood and guts commitment, a never say die attitude and a Churchillian enthusiasm for the fray. I also expected catering in the form of bread and dripping and fish & chips so I was disappointed on all counts.
On the plus side the booze was free. On the negative side the players lounge afterwards was empty. Apparantly both teams had to stay in their dressing rooms writing "we must not be so absolutely crap at football" 100 times or they would miss their morning break on Monday.
Alan

Nice turn of phrase Alan.
Brought a smile to my craggy features.

sorry to hear you had a bad do , alan. not seen your arse yet.
hello martini. nice to see you. looks like you all had a good time at the xmas bash.

Been reading the SEO thread. It turns out that wilbs and jimmy are one and the same, blinger and seq, red erik and pm1.
There are more reincarnations on these boards than on "Most Haunted - Live".
Which warms me to 2 points about this.
1) why have a TV channel called "Living TV" and a programme with the word "Live" in the title and then fill it full of dead people.
2) Is this the second worst TV programme ever?

My nomination for the GMTV award for "programme most hastening the death of anything approaching entertainment" award goes to....................

Roll on the drums please while I open the golden envelope.................


Ant and Dec for "I'm a celebrity....."

I watched it for the first time last night, cos my teenage daughter is hooked and spent half an hour being entertained by the fact that Carol Thatcher farts and Bobby Ball pees on the toilet seat...........riveting!! Who says entertainment is dead? (We all do, actually).
For the same kind of budget, we could have those same celebrities being taught by Steve Irwin how not to handle a crocodile. This would have the benefit of saving money on the return flights from Australia, ridding the world of actors and comedians who, at the height of their fame were about as funny as watching an orphanage burn down, save the Australian zoo a few quid on crocodile food, and ensure that the pious Sheree farted good and loud as she found herself surrounded by hungry crocs.
It would also have the benefit of being much more entertaining than Ant and Dec, who could then be employed to make an engineering documentry on "Destruction testing of the Human Body".
There. Rant over. I feel much better about TV scheduling now. I can get back to work on my idea for a show featuring everyone laughing at a silent Bruce Forsythe because someone nicked his cue cards with the perfectly planned and rehearsed ad-libs on them.
Angry of Kensington

Morning Al , sorry i had to have my say on PM1 ,he is just too conceited for me ,and a complete pratt to boot, by the way i nominated you for the money am awards, don't know if you won ,,i'm not wilbs ,if you go back through the thread we have actually posted at the same time ,now i don't know if that's possible ,but if it is i'm not that clever..

just to cheer you up , alan. i still can't believe my girlfriend once paid good money to go and watch this fake!!! one born every minute , as they say.
i don't understand why you are having a go at the brucemeister , though.

Never watched any of the above programmes ,,lifes too short to waste ..

Now there's a guy with talent etched in every line of his face!! Who is he?
I thank you for your nomination, Jimmy, but if the award was for anything other than winding up ii/blinger et al or pointless posts to get something off my chest then I doubt I will win. Very touching though.
Bos, It's not Brucie per say, its the entire pathetic offerings of the TV on almost any night of the week, but particularly Saturdays. It is turgid and I get very disappointed every time I switch it on. So few programmes worth watching that Ibreak open the scrabble almost every night or go to bed early with the missus (also known as trivial pursuit). Got me angry head on. Love to see a few shows, such as Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Have I got News For You, They Think Its All Over and , the daddy of them all, QI, but the rest is total pants.
Apologies to Brucie fans, but hes never been the same since he split from Anthea. 8-).
Alan

alan, the gentleman in question is derek acorah, a medium who allows himself to become possessed by the spirits. from your choice of shows that you like it appears that you enjoy comedy. mr acorah has me holding my sides, rolling off the couch onto the floor every time!!! i still find it difficult to believe he's not taking the piss.
as for brucie, you only hadto see him present have i got news for you to see how much more he can offer .

Right. I'm back. Not nearly so bored and spitting venom as I was earlier.
I still think most of the TV on offer now is just too awful for words. never saw Brucie on HIGNFY, but I will take your word for that, Bos. I've also heard his one man show is excellent so perhaps it is the progressive liberalist attitudes of the TV execs that make so much of his TV offering so wan and predictable.
Just a bit on my high horse today, and the TV media is a very easy target for all the things I dislike about the world, though to be fair I blame most of the words ills on Disney, MacDonalds and social workers, and perhaps this is a little unkind.
I often imagine hell to be something like a room in the local council offices full of social services telling me to talk about the things I did wrong in my life while being force fed big macs and watching Pocahontas.
Give me fire, brimstone, demons and a red hot poker up the jacksie anyday.........
Alan