Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I think i should go to bed

What, no strawberry?

BBC 2, Tonight, 10pm.
Kate Moss, Daniella Westbrook and Paul Merson in a return of the famous show, "Whos Line Is It Anyway", hosted by John Leslie.

Stick with this, Guys. Its a bit long, but surely the ultimate irony!!!
Enjoy.

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS.

The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus.

He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten strory building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Orinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject ?A? but kills subject ?B? by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject ?B?

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple?s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son?s financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn?t actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisit twist.

Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother?s murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

Scroll down for the answer























"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."


Do you want a room with or without a view?

Al good one - it s now winging its way round half the world

baza, surely if it was a woman she would light a dozen assorted candles and then get in the bath for about 4 hours?

not seen jimmy post today. he's probably on his way back from the cadbury's factory shop!!

If it was a woman like mine she would demand chilled champagne, essential oils and a dozen gigolos, then jump in. She'd have the bath after. (oo-eerrrr).
Alan

nah , mine would wallow in it , ignoring my shouts of anguish that i'm having touching cloth moments.......

Oh really

oh dear!! looks like someone has used too much matey!!



cleans the bath as well as the kids!!!!!!!!!

Where would a boy be without his mates.

Here's one i made earlier.

The Government has just released its new guidelines for coping with the potential bird flu crisis.
Could we please all leave a packet of LemSip Maxi-Strength on our birdtables.
Thank you,
T Blair

aln, i always thought you were some kind of financial advisor but i've just realised that you're a joke writer for cannon and ball !! :)

Time for a nibble

is this that scratch and sniff thing again?

Oh I dunno - does it scratch?