Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Mm! Just had an orgasmic bacon sarnie......took me 30 mins to eat it!

A blind man enters a ladies' bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the blind man says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, think it is only fair--given that you are blind--that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and professional wrestler"

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Now THAT is funny........................

Bosley..........Trained in the art of love making by the SAS. In, job done, and out without anyone ever noticing.

LOL!! thats funny ..bos your not going to take that surely ??

For your information and edification, the above picture is of a white gorilla named snowflake, who was, until his death, resident of Barcelona zoo.
He was the only known white gorilla and many attempts were made to mate him and produce white offspring. The attempts failed unfortunately as all his children were black. He became an old man and eventually the attempts ceased.
He was famous not only for being white but also for enjoying a cigarette, which visitors would throw him.
I visited him at Barcelona in about 1988, with H.
Alan (available for pub trivia teams)

kimoldfield
You should try a Bacon and Brie Baguette with a pint its a treble Orgasm experience.

jimmy, what alan says is absolutely true. we got trained to do all manner of things like how to survive under cover, how to feel your way round in the dark, how to deal with different terrains be it forest or bare dunes, how to eat buds and flowers, and best of all , how to use the element of surprise and kick in a girl's back door. nothing better than coming from behind with your weapon blazing away. btw, i passed with distinction, summa cum laude ;)

Treikiman - brilliant - will add to my joke book

Thanks Driver, my local pub will have one, I'm off down there now. Back in 90 mins (make that 95 mins, extra 5 mins for after sarnie smoke)

Kim

Farmer walks into the bedroom while his wife is sat up in bed. He has a sheep under his arm.
"Look" he says, "This is the filthy pig I have to make love to when you've got one of your headaches".
"I think you'll find", says the wife, "That its a sheep".
"I was talking to the damn sheep".

Michael Barrymore has been told to use an ashtray ,and to stop throwing his used fags in the pool .

I am warning you of something that happened to me as I became a victim of
the latest scam while shopping at Lakeside, just off the M25 last week.

It could happen to you so forearmed is forewarned.

Here's how the scam works.

After leaving the shopping centre, two good looking 18 year-old girls came up
to my car as I was placing my shopping on the floor of the front
seat. One started wiping my windscreen with a rag and Windowlene whilst the
other came round to my window and started talking to me whilst bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.

It is impossible not to look.

I then thanked them and tried to offer them a tip, but they they said "No" and instead begged me for a ride to BlueWater as they were meeting friends there.

I reluctantly agreed as I was already late - but as it was on my way (more or less) home, I agreed and they sat in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on
me, while the other one stole my wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I
couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful !!!!!

sorry - duplicated

That's terrible bhunt ,what time are these nasty girls in the car park ? i'll make sure i avoid the place ..

not if i avoid it first , jimmy .

just got this in my email. dont know if it's a wind up or genuine. anybody know anything?

This is an URGENT WARNING received from HAMPSHIRE POLICE

18/01/06

Dear All,

If you receive a phone call on your mobile from any person, saying that, he or she is a company engineer, or telling that they're checking your mobile line, and you have to press # 90 or #09 or any other number. End this call immediately without pressing any numbers. There is a fraud company using a device that once you press #90 or #09 they can access your "SIM" card and make calls at your expense. Forward this message to as many friends as you can, to stop it.

All mobile users pay attention if you receive a phone call and your mobile phone displays (XALAN) on the screen don't answer the call, END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY, if you answer the call, your phone will be infected by a virus..

This virus will erase all IMEI and IMSI information from both your phone and your SIM card, which will make your phone unable to connect with the telephone network. You will have to buy a new phone. This information has been confirmed by both Motorola and Nokia.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS PIECE OF INFORMATION TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS HAVING A MOBILE

Think I've got the answer for you, Bos;


load of crap

cheers alan. bugger!!! i forwarded it to loads of people. i guess i best start sending emails out telling people it's a load of crap then. and there's me thinking i was doing me good deed fert' day........

'kin tiscali, 'kin msn,