Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

bosley your mildly amusing link does not appear tobe working.......

sarkee, try it again . if it still doesn't work , be grateful. it's pretty shite.

Good pun ! & funny.......a real gas !

Copied from another board - with apologies in advance

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the
bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.


At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas
he's sent to the electric Chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in
the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.


"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten
it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears
the man is still alive.


The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner," that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are
still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke
is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The
executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up
to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in
the chair.


"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned
man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.


The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the
smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The
executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.


Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.
Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.


The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
smiling.


"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million
trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is
still sat there alive without even a burn mark.


"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still
be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do
with that green banana isn't it"" he asked "Nahh" said the bloke,
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"I'm just a really bad conductor"

Just when the day couldn't get any worse, Baza finds that one.
;-)

The bad conductor

Not certain if its a good idea to post just below the photo...............

This may be the solution for any1 who is very nervous about public speaking engagements !!


Sex 'keeps you calm'


Having sex before speaking in public could be one way of beating stage fright, a report has claimed.

During studies to assess the effect of sex on nerves, University of Paisley psychologist Ian Brody found people who have penetrative sex before appearing in public are less stressed and perform better. And the effect could last for up to a week.

For a fortnight Professor Brody asked 24 women and 22 men to keep diaries of how often they engaged in various forms of sexual activity. They also did various stress tests involving public speaking and performing mental arithmetic to assess how sex affected them.

Professor Brody, who published his findings in New Scientist magazine, found people who had penetrative sex were less stressed in public than those who engaged in other forms of sexual activity such as masturbation.

Even when he took into account work stress and partner satisfaction, he still found sex had the ability to de-stress the volunteers.

However, he said the de-stressing effect was not solely attributable to orgasm but could be linked to the stimulation of several nerves which takes place only during heterosexual intercourse.

He said the vagal nerve, which plays a role in controlling some psychological processes, and the release of a hormone called oxytocin may help de-stress and calm both partners.

He also said the long-lasting effect of sex on stress, could not be attributed solely to achieving orgasm.

"The effects are not attributable simply to the short-term relief afforded by orgasm, but rather, endure for at least a week," he said.

Let me see I have around three speaking engagements a week.........well thats what I will tell 'er in doors............either that or will move to Salt Lake City & take on 3 wives

Dunno about it relieving stress for public speaking, but you can improve your technique massively by inviting your in laws around to watch and discuss ways you could improve your performance.
Tried it myself once and that definitely didn't help to lower my stress.
Alan

Nice One......was it Jack & Vera.........

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.



He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"



"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. We have to eat grass."



Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"



"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."



"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."



The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"



"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.



"Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. Youll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Brilliant !!.. :-)

nice one , baza.
i didn't know you had to pay to access the trader's thread. or should i have kept my mouth shut?

Evening all.
Don't know if you've noticed but there are a couple of more entertaining threads at the moment. Terrible I know, but check out the namecalling and fighting going on on SEO, DMR and pump and dump. It's hilarious!!!
What fun.
Alan

gets funnier by the minute, alan. so gald we're above it all ...............you tw*t ;)

I'm gonna get my dad onto you, an he's a copper.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That would match the little pink taffeta number I'm wearing now

Save some for me.

you having a "turtles head" moment there , driver?