Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

My missus has a black flag tattooed on her arse in memory of all the men who went to the front.

i cant believe i just saw stiff little fingers getting a mention on a financial site. they were my heros, still are , frozen in time even though they are still going. i saw them a few times at the manchester apollo. the first time i hung around and met the band , got their autographs on a scarf. it became my treasured possession. the next time they came to manchester i went to get my beloved scarf to go to the gig. i noticed that the autographs had disappeared. i asked my mum about it. she innocently said that she noticed there was writing on the scarf so she stuck it in the wash!!!! i think i threw the strop of all strops that a 15 year old can throw!!
still buy their new stuff , saw them a few years ago at the manchester academy with mr foxton on bass. jake burns' songwriting isn't what it was, the angry fire he had as a young man just doesn't burn as bright.
thanks for the trip down memory lane.

baza , you forgot to mention mumble pants: very tight shorts showing camel toe. you can see the lips moving but you cant hear no c*nt talking!!

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what
Tracey just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys
put their dicks?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, relieved that the
subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her
daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock
my teeth out?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she
found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She
hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at
it and
handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well,
what shall we
do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should
spank him."
---------------------------------------------------------
Two golfers were coming up to the first tee. The first guy goes into
his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try
this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - you
can't lose it!" His friend asks, "What do you mean you can't lose
it?!?" The first
man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the
woods,
it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces
bubbles. And if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for
you to find it."
Obviously his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where
did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it."
------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he
noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter,
"What is
that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have
excellent taste!
Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!" The

cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so
sorry, senor.
There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight
each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be
sure to save
you this delicacy"! So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special
delicacy of
the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much,
much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down,
another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next
to him.
"No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!"
said the
second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the
World
Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The
first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to
hear that,"
replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The
first
man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

What bands have you seen and what did you think???? Stories of our youth (and beyond).

The Jam - the best, passion, enthusiasm, great songs and great atmosphere apart from the fight between blues and wolves fans at bingley hall stafford. The warm up band were covered in spit from head to toe but fair play to them they stayed on.

acdc - not a rock fan but really enjoyed it with Angus Young on the lead guitar was superb, rock on angus, rip your brother.

boomtown rats - quite good, geldof a bit ropy at times but it was on a monday and i dont like mondays. jonny fingers super on the piano

Big Country - absolutley superb on stage in bham for 3 hours, ran out of songs to sing and were taking requests from the audience. god rest your soul stuart Adamson you were excellent

UB40 - great brummy band, i was lucky because Simply Red were the support band, excellent too.

Simple Minds - effort, enthusiasm brilliant set, brilliant songs

Blondie - debbie harry was my schoolboy fantasy and it was easy for mum to get me to go to bed with my lovely debbie posters. Debs was great the drummer was great the rest were hopeless, wrong notes esp that Chris Stein.

Sting - bored the pants off me, everyone was shouting 'sing some police songs' to boring for a big venue.

Stereophonics - absolutly suberb, great songs, great act well done Kelly keep em coming.

One for you baz.

Baza came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing A long flowing white robe.
Who the hell are you?" Demanded Baz, "and what are you doing in my Bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Baza was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Baza was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, He asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in Feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This isn't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Baz, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Baza

"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...


"Baza, wake up you drunken b @ stard, you've sh** the bed"

doesn't matter what happens for the rest of the year. this thread should win funniest thread award just on today's posts.

someone just smacked me on the head - I must have been dreaming ??

A bacon sandwich walks into a pub a says 'a pint of bitter please' 'sorry mate we dont serve food'' repies the barman

Notice in the same bar

Ham Sandwich 2.50
Turkey and Salad Sandwich 2.75
Hand Job 10

A lovely looking barmaid comes through the door behind bar. 'are you the lady who gives the hand jobs' ask a customer, 'yes' says the baramid '' well do us favour wash your hands and make us a ham sandwich will ya''

If at first you don't succeed - it's probably not a good idea to take up skydiving.

Any views on a company called Zambezi Nickle, new to the market, but it has two great mineral deposites (according to Investors Chronical)...
Mitaba Prospect:
The Mitaba Project occupies a total strike length of 11 kilometres, within which occur two main complexes of successive ultramafic (komatiite) lava flows, 3.3 kilometres apart.
Paulwi Prospect:
The pear-shaped Paulwi intrusion has been gravity-differentiated into a gabbroic upper portion of 3,000 metres depth and basal serpentinised dunite portion of 2,000 metres depth... [goes on to say] comparable to the deposit being mined at the 11 million ton per annum operation at Mt Keith, Western Australia.

better to start new thread tonker!

ok

Don't think you've quite got the hang of this threads purpose, Tonker.
But please pay us all a visit anytime.
Preferred subjects are jokes, food and naked women.
If a PLC starts that provides naked, humorous lady chefs for gentlemens parties, we will be sure to research them and provide you with in-depth analysis of their investment value.
Alan

can't think of any , alan. do you fancy starting one?? i mean, i think between us on this thread we've got everything necessary. i'm game .......... as long as i can do the head hunting ;)

bos or jimmy Not Al
Here's one for you, OK Al as well.

http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf

Tonker
Looks like a nice place Zambezi you sure they got any Nickle.

Heres a fun one for you


http://www.goalpoker.com/penalty_strip/goalPoker_01.html

driver, fundie....... 'tastic. still not found the ball and it's amazing how many penalties you can score once the motivation is there!!! :)

If anyones getting dragged to the shops today, try these to brighten it all up a bit;


1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, "and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


5. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera. Use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.


10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while. Then, yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"