Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

No she'll be fine Jimmy.
I'll be stood at the bottom holding them. Just to make sure shes safe.

So considerate .

jimmy, those boots are doing wonderful things for me. oh, those heels ...........


sadly , my brickie looked more like this

Oh dear bos ,not quite the same .

I, the penis


I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

What beats a princess??
>
> A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
> flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served
> them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
> down the aisle and announced to the passengers:
>
> "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
> scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your
trays,
> that would be super."
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
> exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>
> "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I
> asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the
> ground.
>
> " She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
> Princess. I take orders from no one."
>
> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
> sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
>
> Tray-up, bitch."
>

Updating Jasper Carrot, I just read this lot from Norwich Union;

1. "A frozen squirrel fell out of a tree and crashed through the windscreen on to the passenger seat."
2. "The car was parked when a reindeer fell on the bonnet of my car."
3. "As I was driving round a bend, one of the doors opened and a frozen kebab flew out, hitting and damaging a passing car."
4. "A herd of cows licked my car and caused damage to the paintwork."
5. "A zebra collided with my car when I was at a safari park."
6. "While I was waiting at traffic lights, a wasp went down my trouser leg which made me hit the accelerator and prang the car in front."
7. "I couldn't brake because a potato was lodged behind the brake."
8. "My parked car was hit by a bull which had escaped from an agricultural show."
9. "A cow jumped on my quad bike."
10. "As I came over a hill, I hit a cow in the middle of the road, which then hit the bonnet and shattered the windscreen with its rear."

Scientists have announced success in crossing an octopus with a graduate in sociology. It is still unintelligable but you should see it stack shelves in Tesco.
(With apologies to octopusses)

Abu Hamza has just been found guilty at his Old Bailey trial & should be sentenced later this afternoon.....

just sitting here looking at the fhm calender on the wall. february's girl is sarah harding. never really took much notice of her before, but that's really quite a good chassis she's got!

baza, no jokes??

And they caught 3 of his accomplices, Bin theivein, bin dealin and bin scroungin.
They're still hunting the fourth accomplice but there has so far been no sign of Bin Workin

If we are talking Girls Aloud bos,i like this one ..

Actually ..

yep

Any one watching SGP 200% UP.

yep



anyone watching nowt thread. 80% up and rising ;)

LOL !! see you've eliminated the ginger ,,thats gingerism at it's worst

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer

For those that missed the incredible rise of SGP today hard luck so did I.

I missed it too Driver. AND I looked at this morning when it was 0.85, but couldn't see any reason for the rise, so didn't think about it any further. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.