Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

On a serious note for a moment, Swinton Insurance are going around trying to buy up the client banks of small independant brokers.
They are not a listed company here, but they are a wholly owned subsidiary of MMA which I believe to be a French insurer, I just don't know if they are listed or not. Swinton obviously have plans to get much bigger, and quickly.
Might be worth a look. (If MMA are listed).
Alan

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Regardless of how you feel about guns you will love this!!!!

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Yes, my broker has been taken over by Swinton. MMA are part of MMA IARD (I think that's what it is),you are right Alan it is a French co. Haven't been able to find them in the FTSE.
Kim

jj :-) That reminds me of a chap near Glasgow who inherited his grandfather's house. There was on old whiskey still in a shed but he did nothing about it. Somehow or other the police heard it was there and arrested the fella for have an illegal still. He made his objections in court but was nevertheless found guilty of possessing the equipment and fined 500 Scottish pound notes. Before leaving he asked to be tried for rape. The horrified judge asked him if it was really true and the chap replied "Nay, but I hae the equipment" His 500 fine was rescinded!
Kim

Have just had a lot of activity near my local church,what has happened the kids are on holiday this week from school and have crept into the church to steel bits and pieces,and the vicar has heard them and tried to stop them and apparantly these kids have panicked and thrown Domestos in the vicars eyes,the police have caught the kids and are charging them with...........















Bleach of the priest :-)))))

Mega...

Stick to bees, Mega ;)

True Quotes from Actual Employee Evaluations

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has now started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"I would not trust him to find his own way home in the dark"

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a sign post."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"The gene pool this employee evolved from requires drastic cleansing"

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"Unfortunately, this employee has an IQ lower than his shoe size.

"Donated his brain to science before he was finished using it."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is constantly out looking for it."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd still want change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you would swear you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he managed to beat 10,000,000 other sperms."

"Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes."

FINANCIAL JOKE

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says.

"What suburb in Melbourne."

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "... your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"

Sorry to get serious again, but does anyone know if broker to broker trades are significant and what they might signify?
I can only think that either one broker is short and needs to buy to fill his orders or one broker is terrifyingly over long and needs to get shut.
Or a mixture of the 2.
But BBC has seen 125000 B trades in the last 2 days, and this is about a gazillion times the normal days trading volume.
Confused.
Alan

alan, stop trying to raise the tone!!!

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

The following quotes were taken from actual CV's.

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Previous experience: Self-employeda fiasco."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I can play well with others."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

"Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days."

"Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions."

"I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping."

"Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now."

"Work best with kids five and under."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"I have happily been a 'kept man' for the past 10 years."

"Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation."

"I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences...I make points as well as I can."

"Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky."

"I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open."

"Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind."

"While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system."

"My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule."

"Hire me and you won't regret it--I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really."

"Referees available upon request."

"Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills."

"Work history: Bakery--proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards."

"Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy."

"Previous rank: Senior instigator."

"Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within."

"...I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly."

"Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me."

"Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days."

"Interests: Music, dancing computers."

"Personal achievements: Successfully played 'Chop Sticks' on a toy piano with my big toes."

"Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication."
"Strengths: Impersonal skills."

"Experience: Cocktail sever."

"Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school."

"Special interests: I like any projects that are fun."

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: "15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store."

"Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations."

"Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776."

"Vocational plans: Sea World."

.

A bit of exercise for jimmy.

">

well that's given me right arm a good workout ;)

'Three Months Work Unpaid'Teachers and lecturers work an average of more than 11 extra hours every week without being paid, a study finds

Doesn't your heart bleed for these poor sods?
Its only a 30 hour week for Gods sake. For 39 weeks per year.
God help 'em if they had to do a proper salaried position where you turned in at 8am and went home when you had finished, whatever time that may be, then got a whole 5 weeks a year off.
Teachers really tick me off in a big way. 6 hour days. 1 hours worth of breaks, free periods, days off for training, 13 weeks a year holiday, final salary pension, not a cat in hells chance of ever being sacked for being crap, promotion chances and 28000 a year. And then the poor lambs complain about doing a bit extra. Get real.

alan - i think you are great but for the first time you have got my back up! How many children do you have???? Teachers are like the police, nurses, doctors, members of parliament, a plumber, post office worker etc etc.
1) is your doctor a good doctor
2) have you ever been into hospital, if so what were the nurses like
3) have you ever called the police or dealt with the police

When you or anyone else who wants to have a go, i will explain more and try to get over the point i will be trying to express. Cant wait to debate this one with al.

?
My point, kivver, is that the conditions of employment for teachers are excellent. I cannot for the life of me think of any other "professional" who actually believes they have hours of work! Every profession I encounter considers they have a job to do and a duty to do it with exacting care, and the hours that it takes are irrelevant.
Personally, I would be very happy to give every teacher a 50% wage rise on the condition that they worked a statutory 39 hour week and had 5 weeks holiday. I have a number of teachers within my family and the response to that is an overwhelming no. They like June, July and August too much to work full time!
A lower scale teacher is earning the equivilent of about 23 per hour (based on 28k pa, 39 weeks worked @ 30 hrs / week). If we use the same calculation based on the extra 11 hours then it still works out at 17.50 per hour. Solicitors in the legal practise I use don't get that!! (The partners do).
Add to that the pension scheme which costs approximately 15% of their salary and is non contributory, then I think i have an arguable case that teachers are very well rewarded for their work.
Teaching was, and for some still is, an honourable profession. Sadly it is now a career instead of a vocation. When teachers stop comparing their annual salary with their potential earnings in industry, I will happily stop pointing out that the conditions they work under are so very different. If they wish to earn the salary they feel they would justify in the private sector then they must accept the conditions that exist there too, and that includes putting in the extra hours where and when necessary.
By the way. 3 kids. Wouldn't know about the doctor, I never go. The nurses when last i was in hospital were passable, if a little overworked and I wouldn't bother calling the police unless it was to report a motorist, cos thats all they can or will catch nowadays!!
Lets debate!!
(But not tonight, i'm off to bed) :-)
Alan

i've called and dealt with the police many a time. it's usually "you f*cking w*nker" and it's usually when they pull me for speeding :)