Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

alan, stop trying to raise the tone!!!

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

The following quotes were taken from actual CV's.

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Previous experience: Self-employeda fiasco."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I can play well with others."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

"Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days."

"Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions."

"I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping."

"Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now."

"Work best with kids five and under."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"I have happily been a 'kept man' for the past 10 years."

"Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation."

"I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences...I make points as well as I can."

"Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky."

"I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open."

"Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind."

"While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system."

"My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule."

"Hire me and you won't regret it--I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really."

"Referees available upon request."

"Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills."

"Work history: Bakery--proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards."

"Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy."

"Previous rank: Senior instigator."

"Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within."

"...I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly."

"Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me."

"Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days."

"Interests: Music, dancing computers."

"Personal achievements: Successfully played 'Chop Sticks' on a toy piano with my big toes."

"Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication."
"Strengths: Impersonal skills."

"Experience: Cocktail sever."

"Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school."

"Special interests: I like any projects that are fun."

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: "15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store."

"Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations."

"Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776."

"Vocational plans: Sea World."

.

A bit of exercise for jimmy.

">

well that's given me right arm a good workout ;)

'Three Months Work Unpaid'Teachers and lecturers work an average of more than 11 extra hours every week without being paid, a study finds

Doesn't your heart bleed for these poor sods?
Its only a 30 hour week for Gods sake. For 39 weeks per year.
God help 'em if they had to do a proper salaried position where you turned in at 8am and went home when you had finished, whatever time that may be, then got a whole 5 weeks a year off.
Teachers really tick me off in a big way. 6 hour days. 1 hours worth of breaks, free periods, days off for training, 13 weeks a year holiday, final salary pension, not a cat in hells chance of ever being sacked for being crap, promotion chances and 28000 a year. And then the poor lambs complain about doing a bit extra. Get real.

alan - i think you are great but for the first time you have got my back up! How many children do you have???? Teachers are like the police, nurses, doctors, members of parliament, a plumber, post office worker etc etc.
1) is your doctor a good doctor
2) have you ever been into hospital, if so what were the nurses like
3) have you ever called the police or dealt with the police

When you or anyone else who wants to have a go, i will explain more and try to get over the point i will be trying to express. Cant wait to debate this one with al.

?
My point, kivver, is that the conditions of employment for teachers are excellent. I cannot for the life of me think of any other "professional" who actually believes they have hours of work! Every profession I encounter considers they have a job to do and a duty to do it with exacting care, and the hours that it takes are irrelevant.
Personally, I would be very happy to give every teacher a 50% wage rise on the condition that they worked a statutory 39 hour week and had 5 weeks holiday. I have a number of teachers within my family and the response to that is an overwhelming no. They like June, July and August too much to work full time!
A lower scale teacher is earning the equivilent of about 23 per hour (based on 28k pa, 39 weeks worked @ 30 hrs / week). If we use the same calculation based on the extra 11 hours then it still works out at 17.50 per hour. Solicitors in the legal practise I use don't get that!! (The partners do).
Add to that the pension scheme which costs approximately 15% of their salary and is non contributory, then I think i have an arguable case that teachers are very well rewarded for their work.
Teaching was, and for some still is, an honourable profession. Sadly it is now a career instead of a vocation. When teachers stop comparing their annual salary with their potential earnings in industry, I will happily stop pointing out that the conditions they work under are so very different. If they wish to earn the salary they feel they would justify in the private sector then they must accept the conditions that exist there too, and that includes putting in the extra hours where and when necessary.
By the way. 3 kids. Wouldn't know about the doctor, I never go. The nurses when last i was in hospital were passable, if a little overworked and I wouldn't bother calling the police unless it was to report a motorist, cos thats all they can or will catch nowadays!!
Lets debate!!
(But not tonight, i'm off to bed) :-)
Alan

i've called and dealt with the police many a time. it's usually "you f*cking w*nker" and it's usually when they pull me for speeding :)

al - i see you have answered the questions at the bottom, that is great, look foward to continue this debate with you. Before i do, i want you have a think about what it was like bringing up your 3 kids, the good, the bad, the dicsipline, and think about other children who you know and their parents etc etc. ps probably wont be able to get on until friday.

LEAVE IT !!!! you've both had too much to drink .

PS thanks for that driver ..

Anyone know the EPIC code for that gang that nicked 40 million. I want to invest in them cos their year end results will be pretty spectacular.
Alan

SWAG

I would'nt trust them to pay a dividend Al ..

They can't be as bent as the buggers who ran Langbar

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?















Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done
at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,
and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God bless Scottish women!!!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
>marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
>sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
>say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married
>couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them. "I have some special sandals I
>think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife
>was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but
>her husband felt he didn't really need them, being the sex God he was. The
>husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The
>Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some
>badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he
>slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes...something
>his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband
>grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
>pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's
>hips. The jamaican then becan screaming.
> "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
> YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"